I AM A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.

Tonight, as I was going through my nightly ritual of blog reading (aka fulfilling my voyeuristic tendencies) while mentally reviewing my day (aka obsessing), it occurred to me that I’ve crossed over from delightful eccentric to FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.

What clued me in to this transformation, you ask?  Well let me paint a picture for you:

I am sitting on my couch, going through my Google reader, eating a 100 calorie pack of popcorn.  It suddenly occurs to me that I have never eaten this particular brand of popcorn before.  Though this would not alarm those of you who still have your strangle hold on sanity, I am alarmed.  I think of the statistical odds of a sudden adult onset allergy to whatever synthetic butter product is on the popcorn.  I start to panic, so I do the logical thing and go outside, figuring if I pass out I have a better chance of being noticed and thereby saved if I’m out in the open as opposed to alone in my apartment.

After a few minutes outside I start to laugh at my own craziness and go back inside.  Where I continue laughing.  Alone.  Causing my dog distress and confusion.

I stop laughing and return to my blog reading.  As I’m reading, I start to think of the millions of things I have to get done this week.  I take out my voice recorder and start to record my to-do list (this is a story in and off itself, the whole voice recorder thing.  we’ll table that for another day).

Imagine now, my surprise, when I go to listen to my to-do list before going to bed (also part of my OCD nightly ritual) and it sounds like this:

1.  Get paper towels

2.  Drop off laundry

3.  Boring work stuff

4.  Jesus fucking Christ Coco, why do these people tan so much?  They look ridiculous.  (yells at the tv) You look ridiculous!  Its like the strangest sub-culture ever, like I understand cannibals more than I understand these people.  And why are all the men hairless?  How do you wake up one day and think, “I really need to be hairless.  And more orange.  And I should see how many times I can say vibin’ in the next 5 minute period.”

5.  Book physical therapy appointment.

And so it occurred to me that in one single evening I had:

A) Imagined a fictious, but deadly allergy

B)  Taken steps to ensure my lifeless body was quickly discovered when I died from said allergy

C)  Frightened my dog with hysterical laughter

D)  Accidentally tape recorded myself talking to my dog about reality tv

Just wanted to share.

A little note before we get started:  Are you interested in having a stroke?  Great!  Here’s how!  Move into a new place, don’t take any time off of work for the move, try to unpack all of your stuff in increments after being at the office all day, and have OCD.  Instant Stroke!  Now onto happier topics, like how to traumatize a boy and ensure that he’ll never go down on another girl again.

Its 2003 and unsuspecting frat boy Mark is about to hookup with my very gorgeous, yet exceedingly weird friend, Kendall.  Kendall is the quintessential hot hippie chick.  Long hair, no bra, natural beauty, sexually uninhibited.  Mark is a guy.  He’s in a frat.  This is really the extent of my knowledge.

So Kendall meets Mark at a party on a Friday.  They totally hit it off.  Or she was really drunk.  One or the other.  Either way, Kendall and Mark decide to leave the party, they end up going out for a few beers, and then end up back at her place.

Hooking up ensues.  It looks like this:

Pretty standard.  Things progress from dry humping to oral, with Kendall on the receiving end.  The happy couple has the intercourse and promptly passes out.

Now you’re thinking, “This is a fucking HORRIBLE TMI story!”  To which I reply, “One, stop yelling.  Two, I’m going somewhere with this.  Three, the place I’m going?  Involves Kendall’s uterus lining on Mark’s face, so fucking get it together.”

I just blew my load, huh?  So, yeah, turns out Kendall got her period and Mark just thought he was really awesome at cunnilingus hence all the slick moisture.  But, hey, guess what Mark?!  That moisture was not orgasm juice, it was menstrual blood!  Surprise!

Now here’s where it gets really disturbing.  Mark.fell.asleep.with.period.on.his.face.  Fell asleep!  I understand that he was unaware of the lady blood on his face, but even if he just thought it was excessive vagina dampness, shouldn’t he have, um, taken care of that?  That’s just basic hygiene.

An indeterminate period of time later, Mark wakes up and heads to the bathroom to relieve himself.  He then discovers that it looks as though he just left the set of Hannibal.  Mark is alarmed.

He runs back into Kendall’s room, apologizing, saying he must have have had a nose bleed and he’s sorry he got blood on her sheets.  At this point Kendall gets up, and lo and behold, she has her period!  Kendall, being the unbridled hippie that she is, announces, “Dude, don’t worry about it.  I just got my period.  Its probably from me.”

Mark is confused.  Kendall further explains, “I got my period last night.  See, there’s a stain.  You probably got some on your face while you were going down on me.”  Now Mark is traumatized.  And running to the bathroom in search of bleach.  To drink.

And he was never heard from again.  At least not by Kendall, which she was actually pretty surprised about.  Huh.

Anywho, I was actually planning on writing a little bit about what’s going on this weekend in New England.  I’m going to be attending a top secret event* in Maine.  I would tell you about it, but you’re probably not cleared to attend.

*Its actually a bridal shower.  I just wanted to sound important.  I’m sad.

Back on task!  What to do this weekend:

• 25th Annual WOKQ Chowderfest, Portsmouth, NH: If you don’t dig chowder we can’t be friends.  And you have to move out of New England.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  So head to the chowderfest and be happy you live in New England.  Or else.
• Harpoon Summer Session, Boston, MA: BEER!  MUSIC!  BEER!  RUNNING!  MUSIC!  BEER!  NAKED LADIES!  Wait, what?  I got overly excited, there are no naked ladies.  Don’t be too disappointed though, there is beer and music… and running, but only if you’re into that sort of thing.  If you happen to watch the 5 miler please yell, “MELISSA IS AWESOME!!” from the sidelines.  Why?  Because its true.
• Pawtucket Red Sox, Pawtucket, RI:  Lets face it, its really frigging expensive to go to a Boston Red Sox game, so why not save a little money and a trip into the city and go see the Paw Sox?  Disclaimer:  I hate baseball, this is being added under duress.  Duress is also known as The Husband.
• World Ocean Day, Deer Isle, ME:  You may have heard that I’m an awesome (and modest) kayaker.  Have you heard that?  Okay, just wanted to make sure.  Well, this event promises to be full of ocean related fun, kayaking included!  And don’t be intimidated, I won’t be there to kick your ass.  World Ocean Day is safe.
• Connecticut Film Festival, Danbury, CT:  I’m all hip and shit so I love this stuff.  No, but really, it looks like a pretty awesome time- movies, music, and I’m sure there will be a ton of people in skinny jeans.  The better to check out asses with my dear.
• Ben & Jerry’s Concert On The Green, Shelburne, VT:  Emmy Lou Harris, Shawn Colvin, Patty Griffin, Buddy Miller and a pretty kick ass venue.  Come on Vermonters!  You know you want it.  In case you couldn’t tell, I’m all out of funny laugh laugh jokes.  My brain hurts.

Scary, huh?  Well though I am not an athlete, I am a masochist, and in keeping with my desire for self inflicted pain I have taken up a little hobby called running. When the whips and chains just aren’t enough for you anymore, run! And if you like a little humiliation with your severe discomfort, enter a race and run in front of other people! That’s what I did, and man was it AWESOME.

So for all of you other masochists out there here are some upcoming races for you to enjoy. Comment with your own races, because really what the hell do I know?

Maine

• Back Bay Cove 5K Series, Portland, ME:  Can you say free?  Because I can and the sound of it is like unicorns playing in rainbows.
• MDI YMCA 10K and Fun Run, Bar Harbor, ME:  Good cause, and come on, perfect excuse to head up to Bar Harbor.
• Billy’s Chowder House 5K, Wells, ME: Just an  FYI for you, word on the street is that there is some sort of chowder bar for the runners.  Nothing says “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR 3 MILES” like a belly full of clams and their broth.  Mmmmmm.

Massachusetts

• Strawberry Shortcake 10K and Fun Run, Plympton, MA:  I hear there’s cake involved.  I’m sold.
• Mystic River Herring Run and Paddle, Somerville, MA:  I grew up on the Mystic and am therefore totally biased in including this race on my list for which there is no criteria to be included.  In the interest of full disclosure, that river is really fucking dirty.  Or at least it was when I was a kid.  Its where I caught my first communicable disease.  Oh, the memories!
• Heartbreak Hill Half Marathon, Newton, MA:  If you’re planning on running the Boston Marathon maybe you should try this first.  If it makes you cry like a lady then I think you need to train harder.

New Hampshire

• Will Run For Beer 5K, Newmarket, NH:  I’ve got nothing to add here.  I mean, awesome.
• Western NH Trail Running Series, Western NH:  A series of seven events for only $85, pretty sweet deal if you’re uber active and the what not.  Not to mention that Western NH is really gorgeous, highly underrated area of New England.  Oh, and you get free socks when you register.  Socks!
• Moose on the Loose 10 Mile Race and Relay, Nashua, NH:  I’m all about the relay.  Less pain for me, and I’m pretty sure there are batons involved.

Rhode Island

• Norman Bird Sanctuary 5K, Middletown, RI:  The course is supposed to be beautiful, but more importantly its for a good cause.  Come on people, think of the birds!
• Blessing of the Fleet 10 Mile Road Race, Narragansett, RI:  Who doesn’t love Narragansett?  And you’re blessing something or other with your glorious running and subsequent leg pain.  Amen.
• Red Rooster Ramble 5 Mile Road Race Series, Warren, RI:  First off, someone loves alliteration (or as I like to call it the lazy man’s naming device).  Secondly, these people seem pretty serious about running.  Everyone in this running club could totally kick my ass.  I hope no one tells them that I made fun of their name.

Vermont

• Run for Jesus,  Swanton Village, VT:  Okay, so this is only a one mile race, but its for JESUS.  I’m going just to see this big rock that God’s Vision Retreat is bragging about all over their website.  And there’s totally a t-shirt.  A t-shirt which I would totally wear with a deathly serious face as I explain to strangers that I run for Jesus.
• Capital City 10K Stampede, Montpelier, VT:  Having never stampeded myself, I’m intruiged.  And frightened.
• 100 on 100 Relay, Stowe, VT:  So, yeah, its exactly what it sounds like, 100 miles split between 6 people.  Want the cherry?  It totally starts at the von Trapp Family Lodge.  I voulnteer to be the first leg and I promise to sing “doe a deer, a female deer” the whole time as a gift to my fellow runners.  I only know that one line though.  Hopefully, that doesn’t irritate anyone.  Now I just need 5 more people…  Melissa?  Adam?  Bueller?

Connecticut

• The Iron Horse Half Marathon, 10K and 5K, Simsbury, CT:  3 events, one day, pick your poison.  And its called the Iron Horse, totally badass name.  Sponsored by Amica, which surprises me.  I feel like it should be called the Cautious Old Lady In A Crown Vic Half Marathon. 10K, and 5K.
• Red Dress Run For Women 5K, Hartford, CT:  It is totally acceptable to run this race in a red dress (seriously, check out the site), which means I will be there with something short and slutty on, running like my pimp is chasing me.
• Holcomb Farm Benefit 10K, West Granby, CT:  I hear there are 2 water stations and a great looking t-shirt.  Sold!

Note: I’ll be volunteering at the Harpoon 5 Miler for ALS in just a couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for a recap in the near future. Oh, and Internet? I signed up for a half marathon in October. You may want to clear your calendar in order to attend my funeral.