Onto the business!  What to do this weekend?  Various events for your enjoyment:

• DeCordova’s Art in the Park Festival, Lincoln, MA: I have a secret to tell you, but you have to promise not to judge me too harshly.  I often begin sentences with the following phrase:  I was listening to NPR the other day and…  I am totally one of those people.  When I touch myself inappropriately I’m not fantasizing about David Beckham, I’m fantasizing about Carl Kassell.  Now you’re wondering what the hell my NPR-centric masturbatory fantasies have to do with the DeCordova Museum’s Art Festival?  Well, WBUR (Boston’s NPR affiliate) is one of the sponsors of this event.  Therefore this event has instant credibility in my mind.  I am so easily impressed.  I will be there with bells on (but no underwear!).
• Santa Mamba at The Rhode Island Museum of Art, Providence, RI:  I guess I’m on a museum jag this week, but don’t be alarmed because you can totally get wasted at this museum event.  Woohoo- TOTALLY APPROPRIATE!  Here’s the gist of the event:  music+art+cocktails+hor’d ourves=awesome.  Its math, you can’t argue with it.
• Artist’s and Friend’s Potluck Dinner at The Brattleboro Museum and Art Center, Brattleboro, VT: I figured, fuck it, I’ve got a theme going now.  Its Art Museum Weekend!  How excited are you?  Little hint for the people with penises reading this:  girls love artists and men who appreciate art.  Take my word for it, I used to sleep with any guy at the mention of the ICA.  I surprised many an unsuspecting tourist just looking for directions to the new location.  Oh, Single Me!  You were such a tramp!  Anywho, back to this event, its actually a pretty cool idea, bring an entree, go to the museum (which is providing drinks and dessert) and meet other artists, art groupies, or art aficionados.  And get laid.  Probably.  Well almost definitely if you join me in the no underwear on the weekends thing.
• Conneticut Open House Day, Statewide, CT:  Dude, this is AWESOME!  All over the state museums are not charging admission fees, there are a ton of free events, Connecticut is on to something!  Free is my favorite word, right after Jesus.  And rigmarole.  And juxtapose.  Free- its like my fourth favorite word and CT is all over it.
• Currier Museum of Art, Manchester, NH:  Jesus and sex jokes aside, this is an incredibly gorgeous museum and there is free admission on Saturday mornings.  The end.
• Il Divo, Movies at the Museum at The Portland Museum, Portland, ME:   Want to learn something else about me?  Something even more nerdy and pretentious than being an NPR fanatic?  I secretly love foreign films.  GOD, its so SHAMEFUL!  Its really a wonder I’m not still a virgin.  But, seriously, this looks like a really interesting movie.  A movie you could recount in lengthy detail to your (less sophisticated) significant other to help them fall asleep.  I am totally going to see this movie (with my glasses, but still no underwear).  True story.

Now go forth and enjoy your weekend!

Anywho, I was actually planning on writing a little bit about what’s going on this weekend in New England.  I’m going to be attending a top secret event* in Maine.  I would tell you about it, but you’re probably not cleared to attend.

*Its actually a bridal shower.  I just wanted to sound important.  I’m sad.

Back on task!  What to do this weekend:

• 25th Annual WOKQ Chowderfest, Portsmouth, NH: If you don’t dig chowder we can’t be friends.  And you have to move out of New England.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  So head to the chowderfest and be happy you live in New England.  Or else.
• Harpoon Summer Session, Boston, MA: BEER!  MUSIC!  BEER!  RUNNING!  MUSIC!  BEER!  NAKED LADIES!  Wait, what?  I got overly excited, there are no naked ladies.  Don’t be too disappointed though, there is beer and music… and running, but only if you’re into that sort of thing.  If you happen to watch the 5 miler please yell, “MELISSA IS AWESOME!!” from the sidelines.  Why?  Because its true.
• Pawtucket Red Sox, Pawtucket, RI:  Lets face it, its really frigging expensive to go to a Boston Red Sox game, so why not save a little money and a trip into the city and go see the Paw Sox?  Disclaimer:  I hate baseball, this is being added under duress.  Duress is also known as The Husband.
• World Ocean Day, Deer Isle, ME:  You may have heard that I’m an awesome (and modest) kayaker.  Have you heard that?  Okay, just wanted to make sure.  Well, this event promises to be full of ocean related fun, kayaking included!  And don’t be intimidated, I won’t be there to kick your ass.  World Ocean Day is safe.
• Connecticut Film Festival, Danbury, CT:  I’m all hip and shit so I love this stuff.  No, but really, it looks like a pretty awesome time- movies, music, and I’m sure there will be a ton of people in skinny jeans.  The better to check out asses with my dear.
• Ben & Jerry’s Concert On The Green, Shelburne, VT:  Emmy Lou Harris, Shawn Colvin, Patty Griffin, Buddy Miller and a pretty kick ass venue.  Come on Vermonters!  You know you want it.  In case you couldn’t tell, I’m all out of funny laugh laugh jokes.  My brain hurts.

Watch Hill is a seaside village surrounded by the Atlantic. I could go into the history of settlement of Watch Hill, but if you want that kind of information go to the chamber of commerce website. All you really need to know is gorgeous beaches, great restaurants, and it is old money rich. Most of the mansions in Watch Hill have been around well over one hundred years.

Eat/Drink:

84 High Street Café

Location: I think you can figure this one out.

84 High is open 7 days a week and has some great food and drink specials. There cheeseburgers are so delicious I have to talk myself into getting something else every visit. Their Clam Chowder is excellent, and like all New Englanders I’m tough to impress. The Toasted Crab Melt is, to steal someone else’s description, “decadent” and I couldn’t agree more. Zig-Zag and her Lady tell me brunch is amazing, unfortunately I work Sundays so I have yet to experience it myself. I’m dying to try the Crab Cakes Eggs Benedict. They also have a Filet Mignon Benedict that sounds fantastic. I could seriously suggest everything, but I won’t bore you. In summary, I have never had a bad meal at this restaurant.

Senor Flaco’s

Location: Canal Street

www.flacosri.com

I’m not ashamed to say Zig-Zag and I are regulars at “the Flac” Only regulars call it “the Flac”, (and by regulars I mean me and Zig-Zag) so don’t try pulling that off unless you own a “I Heart SF” t-shirt, okay?

Thai Pepper

Location: Railroad Street, across from the Train Station

You must order the fresh rolls and pad thai.

Up River Café

Location: Main Street

Definitely on the pricy side but well worth it. Try the Duck fries. There mojitos are amazing also.

Perks and Corks

Location: High Street

www.perksandcorks.com

This coffee and martini Bar has a super comfy feel with couches and low lighting. Has music a few nights a week. Check out their website for specifics. I suggest Tuesday nights. Amy and her band are a blast. I’m going to sound super new-age but the energy is so good. Also, her voice is ridiculous.

Shop:

Other Tiger

Location: 90 High Street, right next to 84 High Street Café

www.othertiger.com

Other Tiger is an independent bookstore located in a historic building right on Wilcox Park. The store looks small from the outside but has over nine rooms of books. Mostly a new books store there is some used books. The store also carries a lot of local artist’s works including jewelry, scarves, and postcards.

Blue Mitten

Location: 86 Main St.

This thrift store is a tad cramped but has some great finds. Don’t miss $1 Days (I hope $1 Day is self-explanatory). They also have some vintage games as well.

Johnny Cake Center

Location: Friendship Street, you can’t miss it on your right.

Another thrift store in town, this place gets a great collection of old furniture. Lots of house/home objects. I like the men’s clothing selection more than the women’s, but like any thrift store it’s hit or miss.

Fun Things: I will be adding more to this when I feel something is worthy.

Wilcox Park

Designed after a Victorian strolling park, the park was established in 1898. Wilcox Park is approximately 9 acres with a fish pond, perennial gardens, sculptures and a large open area for laying out, playing Frisbee, whatever your nature-loving ass is into. Try not to expose yourself in front of the children though.

Westerly Arts Night

5-8pm first Wednesday of every month. Downtown galleries and studios are open to the public to exhibit new works.

Trivia Night at Senor Flacos

Every Wednesday. Super fun bar staff, $4 potent margaritas and a late-night menu. $5 buy-in per team. A tip from me to you: The more people on your team the better chance of winning. 

• The Mark Twain House Spring Wine Tasting, Hartford, CT:  I like wine.  I like pen names.  Eleven year old me really liked Brad Renfro in Tom and Huck.  Done and done.
• Sugarbush Project Graduation Fundraiser, Warren, VT:  Sugarbush is the balls, specifically because they offer disc golfing (but not until late June.  Boooo!).  Even when they are disc-golf-less, Sugarbush offers some awesome good times.
• Hollis Flea Market, Hollis, NH:  Oh, how I love a flea market.  Carnival food, people selling me all of their random shit that they don’t want anymore, but that I will become somehow convinced is completely necessary for my continued happiness. 
• Leonard Cohen at The Wang, Boston, MA:  Holy shit, I love Leonard Cohen!  You must see him, his awesomeness is too great to be adequately stated here, so I will simply repeat- go.see.leonard.cohen.
• Linden Place Mansion Tour, Bristol, RI:  This place just gave me a real estate orgasm.  You can go and tour the estate that was featured in the file The Great Gatsby, and then go to one of the many chic bars or eateries and order enough alcohol to help you forget that you are just a few million short of being able to afford your own Federal style mansion.
• Moose Mainea, Moosehead Lake, ME:  Here’s the thing, we’re not fancy here at Pilgrim Congress.  If either Ev or I have posted anything to make you think that maybe we’re fancy and that this site is fancy, we are sorry, but you have been mislead.  We love moose.  And I will personally totally embrace any moose-centric event.  Blaaahhmmaaaaa <- that’s a moose noise.

Scary, huh?  Well though I am not an athlete, I am a masochist, and in keeping with my desire for self inflicted pain I have taken up a little hobby called running. When the whips and chains just aren’t enough for you anymore, run! And if you like a little humiliation with your severe discomfort, enter a race and run in front of other people! That’s what I did, and man was it AWESOME.

So for all of you other masochists out there here are some upcoming races for you to enjoy. Comment with your own races, because really what the hell do I know?

Maine

• Back Bay Cove 5K Series, Portland, ME:  Can you say free?  Because I can and the sound of it is like unicorns playing in rainbows.
• MDI YMCA 10K and Fun Run, Bar Harbor, ME:  Good cause, and come on, perfect excuse to head up to Bar Harbor.
• Billy’s Chowder House 5K, Wells, ME: Just an  FYI for you, word on the street is that there is some sort of chowder bar for the runners.  Nothing says “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR 3 MILES” like a belly full of clams and their broth.  Mmmmmm.

Massachusetts

• Strawberry Shortcake 10K and Fun Run, Plympton, MA:  I hear there’s cake involved.  I’m sold.
• Mystic River Herring Run and Paddle, Somerville, MA:  I grew up on the Mystic and am therefore totally biased in including this race on my list for which there is no criteria to be included.  In the interest of full disclosure, that river is really fucking dirty.  Or at least it was when I was a kid.  Its where I caught my first communicable disease.  Oh, the memories!
• Heartbreak Hill Half Marathon, Newton, MA:  If you’re planning on running the Boston Marathon maybe you should try this first.  If it makes you cry like a lady then I think you need to train harder.

New Hampshire

• Will Run For Beer 5K, Newmarket, NH:  I’ve got nothing to add here.  I mean, awesome.
• Western NH Trail Running Series, Western NH:  A series of seven events for only $85, pretty sweet deal if you’re uber active and the what not.  Not to mention that Western NH is really gorgeous, highly underrated area of New England.  Oh, and you get free socks when you register.  Socks!
• Moose on the Loose 10 Mile Race and Relay, Nashua, NH:  I’m all about the relay.  Less pain for me, and I’m pretty sure there are batons involved.

Rhode Island

• Norman Bird Sanctuary 5K, Middletown, RI:  The course is supposed to be beautiful, but more importantly its for a good cause.  Come on people, think of the birds!
• Blessing of the Fleet 10 Mile Road Race, Narragansett, RI:  Who doesn’t love Narragansett?  And you’re blessing something or other with your glorious running and subsequent leg pain.  Amen.
• Red Rooster Ramble 5 Mile Road Race Series, Warren, RI:  First off, someone loves alliteration (or as I like to call it the lazy man’s naming device).  Secondly, these people seem pretty serious about running.  Everyone in this running club could totally kick my ass.  I hope no one tells them that I made fun of their name.

Vermont

• Run for Jesus,  Swanton Village, VT:  Okay, so this is only a one mile race, but its for JESUS.  I’m going just to see this big rock that God’s Vision Retreat is bragging about all over their website.  And there’s totally a t-shirt.  A t-shirt which I would totally wear with a deathly serious face as I explain to strangers that I run for Jesus.
• Capital City 10K Stampede, Montpelier, VT:  Having never stampeded myself, I’m intruiged.  And frightened.
• 100 on 100 Relay, Stowe, VT:  So, yeah, its exactly what it sounds like, 100 miles split between 6 people.  Want the cherry?  It totally starts at the von Trapp Family Lodge.  I voulnteer to be the first leg and I promise to sing “doe a deer, a female deer” the whole time as a gift to my fellow runners.  I only know that one line though.  Hopefully, that doesn’t irritate anyone.  Now I just need 5 more people…  Melissa?  Adam?  Bueller?

Connecticut

• The Iron Horse Half Marathon, 10K and 5K, Simsbury, CT:  3 events, one day, pick your poison.  And its called the Iron Horse, totally badass name.  Sponsored by Amica, which surprises me.  I feel like it should be called the Cautious Old Lady In A Crown Vic Half Marathon. 10K, and 5K.
• Red Dress Run For Women 5K, Hartford, CT:  It is totally acceptable to run this race in a red dress (seriously, check out the site), which means I will be there with something short and slutty on, running like my pimp is chasing me.
• Holcomb Farm Benefit 10K, West Granby, CT:  I hear there are 2 water stations and a great looking t-shirt.  Sold!

Note: I’ll be volunteering at the Harpoon 5 Miler for ALS in just a couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for a recap in the near future. Oh, and Internet? I signed up for a half marathon in October. You may want to clear your calendar in order to attend my funeral.