I AM A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.

Tonight, as I was going through my nightly ritual of blog reading (aka fulfilling my voyeuristic tendencies) while mentally reviewing my day (aka obsessing), it occurred to me that I’ve crossed over from delightful eccentric to FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.

What clued me in to this transformation, you ask?  Well let me paint a picture for you:

I am sitting on my couch, going through my Google reader, eating a 100 calorie pack of popcorn.  It suddenly occurs to me that I have never eaten this particular brand of popcorn before.  Though this would not alarm those of you who still have your strangle hold on sanity, I am alarmed.  I think of the statistical odds of a sudden adult onset allergy to whatever synthetic butter product is on the popcorn.  I start to panic, so I do the logical thing and go outside, figuring if I pass out I have a better chance of being noticed and thereby saved if I’m out in the open as opposed to alone in my apartment.

After a few minutes outside I start to laugh at my own craziness and go back inside.  Where I continue laughing.  Alone.  Causing my dog distress and confusion.

I stop laughing and return to my blog reading.  As I’m reading, I start to think of the millions of things I have to get done this week.  I take out my voice recorder and start to record my to-do list (this is a story in and off itself, the whole voice recorder thing.  we’ll table that for another day).

Imagine now, my surprise, when I go to listen to my to-do list before going to bed (also part of my OCD nightly ritual) and it sounds like this:

1.  Get paper towels

2.  Drop off laundry

3.  Boring work stuff

4.  Jesus fucking Christ Coco, why do these people tan so much?  They look ridiculous.  (yells at the tv) You look ridiculous!  Its like the strangest sub-culture ever, like I understand cannibals more than I understand these people.  And why are all the men hairless?  How do you wake up one day and think, “I really need to be hairless.  And more orange.  And I should see how many times I can say vibin’ in the next 5 minute period.”

5.  Book physical therapy appointment.

And so it occurred to me that in one single evening I had:

A) Imagined a fictious, but deadly allergy

B)  Taken steps to ensure my lifeless body was quickly discovered when I died from said allergy

C)  Frightened my dog with hysterical laughter

D)  Accidentally tape recorded myself talking to my dog about reality tv

Just wanted to share.

The festivities began the night before at Le Chez Dani (I don’t speak French, so I have no idea what I just said, moving on).  We began the night with booze and barbeque and though I would love to coherently recount the evening for you, I’m not sure that’s possible.  We’ll have to make due with these photos from that night.  Lets try to put the pieces together as a group, shall we?

The night started off nice enough, here are the ladies posing for a quick photo.  Everyone was looking pretty with it at this point.

The guys were all standing at this point too (though that didn’t last too long).  Its a pretty good looking group, but you’ll notice that The Husband was looking especially sexy that night.

Hi Guil!  You’re on the Internet! 

Speaking of sexy, tell me that is this not an incredbily good looking pregnant woman?

I hadn’t seen Tara in a couple of months so I forced her to pose for a billion photos with me.

At some point Melissa got overly excited and managed to break one of Dani’s champagne glasses.  Witness the carnage.

Dani was none too happy.

Being the consummate hostess she cleaned up without complaint.  Realizing that this was good practice for mothering (babies are always breaking shit, stupid babies), Dani decided to put some of her new tools to use.  This ensured that Lissy would not have anymore accidents with her champagne.

Shortly after that it was time to pass out.  We all wanted to be well rested for the 4th!

::insert sleeping here::

Happy 4th!!!  Time to celebrate!!  I have to tell you I was ridiculously excited about Indenpendce Day this year.  We had some super rad plans to head up the coast to Orr’s Island in Maine for a lobster bake.  Let me break this down for you:  4th+Rocky New England Coastline + Lobster = Heaven.  I was so excited that I spent the entire drive up taking photos of myself (is that not what you do when you’re excited?  Well then.  Did you just call me a spaz?  Understandable, the evidence is pretty damning).

I even tried to get one of me and The Husband, but it was a bit of a fail.

Finally we arrived and were greeted with this glorious scenery.  I ran from the Jeep screaming like a crazy person with my hands waving above my head.  The scenery was that awe inspiring.  Ben was only a little embarrassed to be seen with me. 

Holy orgasmic real estate Batman!  Better than a rabbit at inducing pleasure.  This lobster bake was being hosted by my gorgeous, wonderful, fabulous friend Kate and her family at their family home.  I’m seriously trying to convince Kate’s parents to adopt me.  Please??? 

The day was perfectly perfect perfection (who needs a thesauraus?  Not I!) with one minor glitch when the rain decided to move in briefly. 

After that brief interruption the weather got even more beautiful.  I just about died from happiness (and lobster overdose). 

So, in closing, I had the best weekend in recent memory.  How did you all celebrate?  Photographic evidence of celebrations much appreciated. 

Anywho, I was actually planning on writing a little bit about what’s going on this weekend in New England.  I’m going to be attending a top secret event* in Maine.  I would tell you about it, but you’re probably not cleared to attend.

*Its actually a bridal shower.  I just wanted to sound important.  I’m sad.

Back on task!  What to do this weekend:

• 25th Annual WOKQ Chowderfest, Portsmouth, NH: If you don’t dig chowder we can’t be friends.  And you have to move out of New England.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  So head to the chowderfest and be happy you live in New England.  Or else.
• Harpoon Summer Session, Boston, MA: BEER!  MUSIC!  BEER!  RUNNING!  MUSIC!  BEER!  NAKED LADIES!  Wait, what?  I got overly excited, there are no naked ladies.  Don’t be too disappointed though, there is beer and music… and running, but only if you’re into that sort of thing.  If you happen to watch the 5 miler please yell, “MELISSA IS AWESOME!!” from the sidelines.  Why?  Because its true.
• Pawtucket Red Sox, Pawtucket, RI:  Lets face it, its really frigging expensive to go to a Boston Red Sox game, so why not save a little money and a trip into the city and go see the Paw Sox?  Disclaimer:  I hate baseball, this is being added under duress.  Duress is also known as The Husband.
• World Ocean Day, Deer Isle, ME:  You may have heard that I’m an awesome (and modest) kayaker.  Have you heard that?  Okay, just wanted to make sure.  Well, this event promises to be full of ocean related fun, kayaking included!  And don’t be intimidated, I won’t be there to kick your ass.  World Ocean Day is safe.
• Connecticut Film Festival, Danbury, CT:  I’m all hip and shit so I love this stuff.  No, but really, it looks like a pretty awesome time- movies, music, and I’m sure there will be a ton of people in skinny jeans.  The better to check out asses with my dear.
• Ben & Jerry’s Concert On The Green, Shelburne, VT:  Emmy Lou Harris, Shawn Colvin, Patty Griffin, Buddy Miller and a pretty kick ass venue.  Come on Vermonters!  You know you want it.  In case you couldn’t tell, I’m all out of funny laugh laugh jokes.  My brain hurts.

• The Mark Twain House Spring Wine Tasting, Hartford, CT:  I like wine.  I like pen names.  Eleven year old me really liked Brad Renfro in Tom and Huck.  Done and done.
• Sugarbush Project Graduation Fundraiser, Warren, VT:  Sugarbush is the balls, specifically because they offer disc golfing (but not until late June.  Boooo!).  Even when they are disc-golf-less, Sugarbush offers some awesome good times.
• Hollis Flea Market, Hollis, NH:  Oh, how I love a flea market.  Carnival food, people selling me all of their random shit that they don’t want anymore, but that I will become somehow convinced is completely necessary for my continued happiness. 
• Leonard Cohen at The Wang, Boston, MA:  Holy shit, I love Leonard Cohen!  You must see him, his awesomeness is too great to be adequately stated here, so I will simply repeat- go.see.leonard.cohen.
• Linden Place Mansion Tour, Bristol, RI:  This place just gave me a real estate orgasm.  You can go and tour the estate that was featured in the file The Great Gatsby, and then go to one of the many chic bars or eateries and order enough alcohol to help you forget that you are just a few million short of being able to afford your own Federal style mansion.
• Moose Mainea, Moosehead Lake, ME:  Here’s the thing, we’re not fancy here at Pilgrim Congress.  If either Ev or I have posted anything to make you think that maybe we’re fancy and that this site is fancy, we are sorry, but you have been mislead.  We love moose.  And I will personally totally embrace any moose-centric event.  Blaaahhmmaaaaa <- that’s a moose noise.

Back on topic, Portsmouth Kayak Adventures.  In a word, awesome.  In many words, really frigging super fun and very awesome and also reasonably priced good times.  What more do you need to know after that totally coherent review?  A story perhaps?  A story about my very first kayaking experience at Portsmouth Kayak Adventures?  Well, if you’re going to twist my arm…

When my husband asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday I really put some thought into it.  And by put some thought into it, I mean I randomly decided that I wanted to try kayaking because as he was asking me this question I was noticing that our neighbor had what appeared to be a brand new kayak on the roof of his car. 

Well, my husband actually held me to it and made me go kayaking for my birthday (by the time my birthday came around I was no longer as intrigued by this whole paddling in a small boat in the ocean thing).  So, one fine Sunday my brother, my husband and I headed out to Portsmouth Kayak Adventures for a 2.5 hour tour around the New Castle area. 

The experience began with our guide bringing out some rental kayaks, paddles, and life vests for us and our fellow tourmates (just made that word up, if you use it please be sure to credit me).  After everyone was fitted for a kayak our guide gave us a quick, but informative lesson on some kayaking basics.  Then we were off!

The guide (who was adorable by the way with a cute Californian accent, though I’m fairly certain he was a born and bred New Englander) helped us all get into the water and then began to lead us down the waterways. 

Now remember when I explained my affliction earlier?  Unfortunately I had a flare up during our gorgeous kayaking trip.  Once we were in the water, my husband in his kayak on one side of me and my brother in his kayak on the other side, I was overcome by the desire to be a better kayaker (pretty sure that’s not what people who kayak are called, but I can’t be bothered with details) than either of these jackasses, er, men that I love (even just talking about it my assholitis starts acting up).

I spent the next 2 and a half hours paddling my ass off, forgoing any semblance that this was a leisure cruise, blatantly trying to show up my husband and my brother. 

And, oh, it was glorious because it turns out that I kick ASS at kayaking (or at least I kick the ass of my husband and brother, neither of whom had ever done it before and who may not have been aware that we were competing at all).  Once the tour was over I was exhilarated by my win.  My husband and brother though, they seemed confused when I began jumping up and down and telling them to, “Suck it, I’m awesome!”

Inappropriate competitiveness aside, I found that I loved kayaking and I loved Portsmouth Kayak Adventures.  The staff was incredibly nice and helpful, the tour was gorgeous, and it was all well worth the price.  I plan on taking another trip soon (my brother, oddly enough, refuses to go again) and PKA has definitely taken up a favorite place spot in my heart.

Rock On Concert Cruises:  Get drunk on a boat and listen to some awesome cover bands.  Just don’t fall into the water and please take lots of pictures of your drunken dancing for us to post on our website.  We’ll be laughing with you.  Promise.

Boston Heritage Tours:  I realize that you may have just rolled your eyes at the idea of a walking tour, but its actually pretty sweet.  Hoof it through the North End and the waterfront, brush up on your history, check out the gorgeous scenery.  Good times had by all.

Carson and Constitution  Beaches:  Who the hell knew Boston had beaches?  Well, actually, we did.  But maybe you didn’t and this is new information to you, in which case, you’re welcome.  So get out, get some sun that didn’t come courtesy of a tanning booth or some horrid self tanner that has you convinced that it looks natural (or if you’re like us, slap on 10 pounds of SPF 200 and pray that you don’t freckle).

The River Charles Gondola:  Fucking awesome!  Listen to this, its a gondola ride in Boston!  And though we realize that this sounds totally cheesy and like something only a  tourist would do, we think that if you are truly comfortable with how cool you are and don’t feel the need to prove to everyone around you that you are beyond hip (random aside, if you use the word hip, you can be guaranteed that you are not hip) that you will see that this River Charles Gondola thing is actually a great idea for a date night.  And, SCORE, that let you bring wine and drink.  In a gondola.  In Boston.  Fucking awesome.

Arnold Arboretum:  Sure, everyone knows about the Gardens, but seriously, the Arnold Arboretum is soooo much better.  We can’t really do it justice in a description here, just check out the site. 

Boston Ski & Sports Club:  If you’re super outdoorsy and athletic and you are looking for a place to play, here you go.  With everything from co-ed softball games to whitewater rafting trips, this is your go to spot for all things outdoors in Boston.  Also, co-ed softball sounds like a great way to pick up chicks.  Just saying.