Anywho, its a new year and all that good stuff, so I feel as though I should share my resolutions with you.  I assume you’re terribly interested.  Its an exciting one.  Are you ready?  This year I resolve to… something or other.  I’m struggling to come up with a resolution.  Or at least the kind of resolution you can share in polite company when asked by some stupid acquaintance, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?”  I’m think my REAL resolution, which is to catch a wild moose then castrate it then watch it develop devil antlers, would confuse and horrify some of my more uptight friends.  So, I feel like I need another resolution, one that is more pc.  But I still want this resolution to be something I can accomplish.  Here are some ideas I’ve been bandying about:

• Play tambourine in a garage band comprised exclusively of 14 year old boys.
• Conquer my fear of throwing up (this one may require me becoming bulimic, but I’m open)
• Mail Stone Philips one love letter a day for 365 days
• Teach Coco Spanish so that she and I can have secret conversations in front of Ben

That’s all I’ve come up with so far, so I was thinking it would be awesome if you could share your resolution and if any of them are any good I’ll just do that.  We’ll be resolution buddies!  Our bond shall be unbreakable.

Next topic.

What I Did On My Summer Vacation New Year’s Eve

I am old and like to go to bed early, lets just start with that.

When discussing what we would do for New Year’s, Ben and I agreed that we wanted to keep it fairly low key.  Something fun, but not too raucous.  We decided on the Boston Pops Orchestra.  I love classical music, I love Symphony Hall, done and done.  I bought tickets for New Year’s Eve without looking too closely at the program for the evening.

Fast forward to last night.  Ben and I arrive at Symphony Hall, we look like this:

Almost everyone else looked like this:

Clearly something was amiss.  See, what I had failed to notice when I bought our tickets was that Amanda Palmer, from The Dresden Dolls, was going to be accompanying the Pops.  And as such, the audience was full of teenagers dressed as homeless people from the 20s?  Or something.  I’m not hip, so I could be getting it wrong.  Mixed in with the Amanda Palmer fans were some frightened elderly, who also thought they were just going to a nice classical concert, but were in fact walking into something entirely different.  Something that involved performance art.  And a silent film where some old guy has a baby, then feeds his baby a watch, and then the baby explodes into light, and then the old guy drinks vodka.  That shit totally happened.  I saw this silent film IN REAL LIFE and was unable to stop laughing.  The people sitting next to me did not appreciate my lack of appreciation.

There was a variety of openning acts, some confusing (see above) and some awesome.  April Smith and The Great Picture Show played one of the smaller lounges in Symphony Hall and they were awesome.  So awesome that I wanted to have my picture taken with them, but I chickened out and just took a picture in front of their equipment while they were on break:

Side Note: Please excuse all the blurry photos.  We weren’t supposed to use our flash and neither Ben nor I could figure out how to take a non-blurry photo without a flash.  We finally broke the rules and took this photo from our seats:

This was also not appreciated.

I will say that the evening was wonderful.  Great music, great people watching, and I got to kiss a hot piece of ass at midnight:

The end.

Unrelated note: I am a finalist in the 20sb Bootlegger Awards for Funniest Blogger.  BLOWS MY MIND!  For anyone who nominated me, I really appreciate it.  You guys are awesome, and it makes my day to see my name in the same category as Lilu, Maxie, Nicole, Matt and Cheryl.  Its an honor just being nominated, etc., etc.

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As LiLu always says…

Alright, folks, you know the rules.  Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!

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Hi y’all. I’m Maxie and I write at this complete shit show of a blog called i hate so much. Many of my blog posts make people vomit, and this one is probably no
exception. You have been warned.

A few weeks ago i was at a friend’s house and the urge hit me.

you know… THE URGE. The urge that will not wait and makes your bowels feel like a bunch of midgets (excuse me, “little people”) are doing that michael flatley dance thing…Lord of the Flying Feet? Lord of the Flying Poo? Lord of the Something. You know what I mean.

Well it just so happens that when I got this urge my friends and I were getting ready to walk out the door to go out, so I knew that I had to make this thing happen RIGHT NOW and make it happen fast or I’d be stuck with a drunken poo in a bar stall that probably wouldn’t close and could be seen from the hallway or something. This is what goes through my mind when I plan my bathroom trips. I like to be prepared.

I run to the bathroom and let it out with no problem, thank the baby jesus, wipe, and flush. I think you can see where this is going. IT
DID NOT FLUSH.

I’m not one to be ashamed of my poos. I’m very proud of them and sometimes I’ve been known to photograph them and send them to my
friend cavy if they’re really good. But when you get caught at someone else’s house with people you barely know it’s a little more awkward.

I looked ALL around the bathroom for a plunger or a toilet brush to break up “the package” and there was NADA. I blew on the water to move
the paper out of the way so I could tell whether it was just a paper cloggage or a legitimate over sized load.

Turns out this one was like pre-fab home trying to go down a skinny, one-way city street.

It had been a few minutes and I knew everyone was

1) waiting to go and

2) very concsious of how long I had been in the bathroom so I did the
only thing I could think of.

I stuck my hand in the toilet and broke up my little friend by hand.

That’s all it took, and off it was to poo heaven.

I washed my hand VERY well and I went back out to meet my friends without any of them knowing the better.

I’m sure anyone who knows me in real life is wondering if they were there that night, and if I later caressed their back with my freshly tainted arm and to that I say…

I’ll never tell.