My brain hurts,  so I’m going to do something a little different today.  I’m going to share lots of random thoughts.  None of which are related.  Well, they are related in the sense that they originated in my brain parts, but that’s it.  Essentially, I’m too lazy to work any smooth transitions into this post.  My blogging skills are pretty much unmatched.

Random Thought #1

Today I walked into a public restroom that smelled just like peppermint and cupcakes.  It was like this bathroom had once been a bakery.  What made it smell this way?  Its an olfactory mystery.  I found it very disconcerting.

Random Thought #2

Hustler Magazine pays like $1000.00  for stories about kinky sexual sub-cultures.  This information both depresses and inspires me.

Random Thought #3

If I were a hamster I would be so pissed.  Its like your only choice is to live in a glass cage, among your own feces, with a goddamn wheel.  Until your 6 year old owner decides to “hug” you, which really means “squeeze you until your insides rupture.”  Like there are no wild hamsters.  If you are a hamster you’re only option is to toil away in an aquarium, abused and eventually murdered by a child.

Random Thought #4

I would murder a homeless guy for some Fudgie The Whale Cake right now.  Like gunned down in the street for sea mammal ice cream cake.

Random Thought #5

I would sleep with Jason Bateman before George Clooney.  And Stone Philips before Jason Bateman.  And the corpse of Stalin before anyone on the Jersey Shore.  Oh, and Ben before everyone.  Except for Jesus.  Because I’m a Christian for Christ’s sake.

Random Thought #6

The end.

Love,

Jill Pilgrim

New Hampshire enjoys about 3.2 miles of Atlantic coastline, and the area surrounding that coastline is known as the Seacoast.  I live in the Seacoast.  Why am I telling you this?  I have a point, I swear.

Up until a year and a half ago, I had always lived in Massachusetts.  In cities, in Massachusetts.  Cities, with things like subways and street lights.  The convenience was unbeatable.  

But now I live in New Hampshire, where I don’t pay taxes, and I buy my liquor from the state , and I don’t have to wear a motorcycle helmet should I choose not to.

Those were fun facts, right?  Let me share some more insights about New Hampshire living with you. 

1.)    Seriously, no sidewalks.  New Hampshire doesn’t even know what a pedestrian is, and it does not feel the need to accommodate them.

2.)    Sometimes I get up in the morning and go outside to get in my car, but my car is surrounded by turkeys.  Aggressive turkeys.

3.)    I drive down this one street regularly to get to the highway.  I often have to stop my car for chickens.  That are crossing the road.  To get to the other side.  Seriously.

4.)    In my town center?  A fruit and real estate store.  Fruit. And. Real. Estate.

5.)    There is this gas station in the western part of the state, where my in laws live, and you know what they sell?  Moose drooping earrings.  Jewelry made from moose shit.

6.)    Remember how I mentioned that I don’t pay taxes?  No state income tax, no sales tax?  Guess what that means?  No money for things like “plowing the highway.”  In the winter, its every man for himself.

7.)    In New Hampshire you can wear a gun strapped to your leg, outside of a presidential town hall meeting and that’s totally kosher. 

8.)    I have learned that “LIVE FREE OR DIE” is an appropriate response to any and all political discussions.  Gun control?  “LIVE FREE OR DIE!”  Universal healthcare?  “LIVE FREE OR DIE!”  Kittens for the homeless? “LIVE FREE OR DIE!”

9.)    I have also learned that “live free or die” is my most favorite thing to say.  Ever.   

In closing?  New Hampshire is awesome and you should live here.  We’ll be best friends.  It will be the balls.

P.S.  It turns out I actually didn’t have a point, but here’s a drawing instead.

I can never eat ice cream, or mac and cheese, or cannolis, or clam chowder again. 

My life?  Its is over.  You may think I’m being melodramatic, but you would be wrong (and an asshole. don’t call me melodramatic, jackass). 

You see, before I got this life altering diagnosis I would regularly rub my husband down with ice cream and lick it off.  It was our favorite Sunday ritual.  Its what we do instead of going to mass.  HOW ARE WE GOING TO EXPRESS OUR INTIMACY NOW? 

Before I got this diagnosis  I lived by a simple credo, “Everything is better with cheese.”  Burgers?  Better with cheese.  Pasta?  Better with cheese.  Salads?  Better with cheese.  The Blessed Virgin?  She was at her best when she appeared on that grilled cheese sandwich in Miami.  Glory be to the Holy Cheese Sandwich. 

Also before this diagnosis?   I kind of threw up and felt like dying a lot.  That part I won’t miss.

But, you don’t come here to read about ice cream fellatio and Mary in cheese form.  You come here for my half-assedly put together lists of things to do in New England.*

Well this week’s list has a title and that title is:

Places You Can Go To Eat Awesome Food That Contains Lactose, But Jill Can’t Go There Because Her Life Is Awful.  Also She Kind Of Hates You Now Because You Can Eat Ice Cream And Not Throw Up.  You Suck.  No, But Really, These Place Are Actually Pretty Good.  You Should Seriously Go.  Lets Not Fight.

• Flashes, Boston, MA:  The best grilled cheese you have ever eaten will be eaten at Flashes.  And, fun fact, The Husband and I had our third date there.  I got him totally drunk and then wouldn’t stop talking about this biography of Freud I had just finished and then he looked like he wanted to just make the talking stop, but he couldn’t figure out how.  He has that same look on his face to this day. 
• The Cliff House, Ogunquit, ME:  The tears, they won’t stop.  How is it possible that I will never again eat the Lobster Chile Rellenos at The Cliff House again?  HOW?  I have many fond memories of The Cliff House dating back all the way to when I was just a little pilgrim.  The Cliff House is like the official celebration spot of the Pilgrim Family.  And the Lobster Chile Rellenos?  My favorite.  God, now my key board is wet with both tears and drool.  I’m disgusting.
• Wholly Cannoli, Worcester, MA:  Dynamite Stick.  Though the name might lead you to believe otherwise, the Dynamite Stick is not a dildo, but it is the most delicious thing you will ever put in your mouth.  Take pictures of yourself eating it and send them to me.  Hmm, it just got uncomfortable, huh?
• Al’s Frys, Burlinton, VT:  Cheese fries!  CHEESE FRIES!  Formerly one of my favorite foods.  How I will mourn thee. 
• Just The Wright Place, Stratham, NH:  Ben and Jerry can suck it.  This place has my all time, absolute, make me have a foodgasm ice cream.  Its a little seasonal roadside stand staffed by very fresh, very pretty, and surprisingly polite high school girls.  Score!
• Angela’s Pasta and Cheese Shop, Manchester, NH:  Did you hear what I just said to you?  Pasta and cheese shop.  Pasta.  Cheese.  Shop.  I’m crying again.
• Sugarbush Farms, Woodstock, VT:  The Husband and I took a trip up that way a couple of years ago and just stumbled onto this farm.  Maple syrup + cheese = heaven.  Dude, you go there and they let you sample ALL THE CHEESE you want.  And maple syrup.  Thank Jesus for the maple syrup.  Oh, and they totally have goats.  And they let you pet them.  Its pretty much the balls.

*I actually have no idea why you come here.  For all I know you prefer talk of ice cream blow jobs to talk of New England eateries.  You do, don’t you?  You dirty tramp.