The latest incident of camera malfunction happened this past weekend at my aunt’s wedding.  Um, how do I say this delicately?  It was… um… an abortion.  The wedding, not the camera.  Well, the camera a little bit, but nothing compared to the wedding.

First off, it was a Greek Orthodox ceremony.  In Greek.  Which I do not understand.  And which no one else in the wedding, including the groom, speaks.  It was pretty awkward.  Also?  My aunt decided to make the 4 year old flower girl stand at the top of the aisle with me.  Totally cute, right?  Except the ceremony is 10,000 hours long, and this little girl had a .000001 second attention span.  This meant that every 45 seconds or so, she turned to me and said loudly, “Is this the end?”  “Is this the very end?”  “Is it the end yet?”  “Is it over?”  “Is it over now?”

Finally I told her that she had to be quiet because she was making Jesus angry.  I’m kind of awesome with kids.  Except it backfired when she the said, even more loudly than before, “Is Jesus a ghost?” “Is that man (points to random painting) Jesus?”  “Is that man (another random painting) Jesus?”  “Does God live here?”  “The old lady said you can’t go outside alone because there are drugs outside.”

About half way through her stream of consciousness diatribe on religion and drug use, I decided we were soul mates.  And I should probably kidnap her and make her say cute and unintentionally hilarious things all day.  Luckily for her, I remembered how much I value my sleep and decided to let her continue living with her parents.

After the ceremony, my aunt’s new husband told Ev to call him dad.  Evan’s face looked a little like this:

Then it was time for the reception.  Oh, the reception!  I can’t do it justice with mere words, but I’ll try.  Where to start?  Um, my father was a gigantic ass, as was expected.  The real treat came when my aunt’s new husband came up to me during dinner, and said, “That’s a big piece of meat for such a little girl.  Can you handle it?”  Seriously.  He said that to me.  At his own wedding.  To my aunt.  It was pretty much the classiest thing I’ve ever seen and/or experienced.  But this was nothing compared to the center ring event, when the groom and one of the guests got into a screaming match.  I believe the word “douchebag” was used pretty liberally.  As was the phrase, “don’t fuck with me.”  Then there were tears.  Honest to God tears.  This, my friends, is why you don’t do 4 shots of Ouzo before your own wedding.  And also, why you don’t take another 27,804 additional shots at your wedding reception.  It doesn’t end well.  Little bit of wisdom from me to you.

And now back to my original point, which was that I am in desperate need of a new camera.  Any suggestions?  Nothing too complicated, I’m barely smart enough to draw stick figures, so keep that in mind when making a recommendation.

In closing, here are some awesome pictures taken with my awesome camera at the awesome wedding:

First off, thanks.   You’re awesome.

Secondly, I am leaving to go on a short vacation.  Ben and I are celebrating our one year anniversary.  Seriously, I am the luckiest woman in the whole world.  Ben is an incredible husband.  He is kind, and caring, and bright, and supportive.  Ben makes me feel loved everyday and I hope he knows how very much I love him.

Thirdly, guess what bitches!  I secured some very kick ass guest bloggers to take over for me while I’m gone.  So, watch out for posts from Becky from mylittlebecky.com, Brooke from ramblingbrooke.com, Terri from writingincrayon.com, Liz from itsunbeweavable.com , LiLu from livitluvit.com, and Maxie from ihatesomuch.com.  It shall be glorious.

Lastly, I am doing my first ever giveaway.  What am I giving away?  Well, I wish I could tell you, but its top secret.  Is it a pair of socks?  Is it a $100 AmEx gift card?  Is it a hooker?  Is it a set of my grandmother’s rosary beads?  Well, I can tell you that it is way more awesome than any of those things.  Except maybe the hooker…  Because it really depends on who the hooker is, right?  Like if the hooker is an Angelina Jolie look-alike who has been practicing her keigels, then my giveaway really can’t compete.  But, if the hooker is Andy Dick dressed as a woman, then my giveaway is totally better.

So, how to enter?  Very simple, just leave a comment on this post or any of the posts from my guest bloggers and I will select the winner when I get back!

Much Love,

Jill Pilgrim

Within a week of getting my license, I hit a UPS truck.  A parked UPS truck.  A gigantic truck that was not moving, which I had plenty of room to move around.  How does this happen?  Allow me to illustrate.

So, I was driving about 40 mph and thought that I had enough room to get by the truck.  Turns out I was wrong.  I ended up hitting the truck with my sideview mirror.  My mirror smashed into a million pieces and I just kept on driving.  Because I am both stupid and dangerous.

Ben really took the UPS incident in stride.  He was totally nice about it.  He fixed the mirror and hugged me and told me that it was okay, but warned me to be more careful.

After that, Ben still trusted me enough to be the designated driver when we went out.  Or, if you’re cynical, Ben would only get in a car with me driving when he was drunk.  He always looked very scared.  And he made a lot of sudden movements towards the wheel when he was afraid I was going to hit something.

So, a few months later when I backed into some dude’s car in a parking lot, smashing my rear tail light and denting my bumper, I was afraid to tell Ben what really happened.  I was like 99.9999999% sure he was going to take my keys away.  So I told him I backed into a pole.  This seemed rational at the time.  Ben was awesome about it, fixed my car, hugged me and told me to be more careful.  He did not take my keys.

This weekend, while having dinner at a friend’s house, we got on the topic of my horrible driving skills.  At which point I thought it would awesome to tell Ben about that accident I had lied to him about.  During dinner.  With our friends.  It went something like this.

Danielle: So, Jill is kind of an awful driver.  I am never getting in the car with her again.

Ben: Ahaha, yes, remember the UPS truck incident?  Since then she’s been good though.

Jill: Hey actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you.  You know that accident I had in January?  I actually hit a guy’s car, not a pole.  Ahahahaha

::silence::

Jill: Ahaha

::silence::

Ben looked like this:

Everyone else looked like this:

I was slowly realizing this was not a good idea.

Ben: WHAT?!  Jill!  You hit a guy’s car?!  And you didn’t tell me?!

Jill: Um, yes?

Ben: Jill, what if this guy sued us?  Was he okay?  Was his car okay?

Jill: Oh, its fine.  His car was totally okay.  I started crying and he felt bad for me and he just left.  We didn’t even exchange information.

Ben: WHAT?!  I can’t believe you’re just telling me that now!

Jill: I was afraid you would take my keys!

Danielle: Would that have been such a bad idea?

Terri: Ben, let me tell you a story that will make you feel better.  A few years ago, one of my friends called me, and she was like, “Did you hear about the accident on Rt. 2 last night?  That was me.”  So she had hit this guy…

Danielle: Was the guy okay?

Terri: Oh no, he died.  But he was homeless and had advanced AIDS.  So, you know, he was going to die anyway.

::silence::

Terri: Turns out my friend had a brain tumor, so that was part of it.

Jill: See Ben, it could have been worse.

And then Ben forgave me, because I didn’t kill any homeless people.

In closing, thank you Terri.

As a married hag I have an endless supply of advice relating to marriage, being married, and blow jobs.  Namely, how to have a successful marriage, how to enjoy being married, and how to ensure you never give another blow job again.  Lets get started, shall we?

1.  In the week (or year, if you’re me) before your wedding ensure that you bombard your significant other with endless rants about the ineptitude of your wedding vendors.  Also, yell a lot about that bitch at the bakery who is starting to give you attitude just because you called for the fifth time to change the flavor of the top tier.  Throw in some tears where appropriate.  Then (and this is key) have lots of hot makeup sex to keep him from running away.  The sex will make him forget that you are crazy.  For now.

2.  If, by chance, your husband sees you before the ceremony in your dress, you must blind him.  Otherwise your marriage is doomed.

3.  On your wedding night you will be expected to perform certain duties.  The pressure is on my friend.  You have to do something special.  I would suggest shaving your new monogram into your bathing suit area.  It will be a nice surprise for him and will really show your attention to detail.  Also?  Is there anything at your wedding that isn’t better with a monogram?  Exactly.

4.  Once on your honeymoon, it is time to relax.  But, not really because you are expected to give blow jobs and anal on demand.  Don’t worry though, this is the last time your now husband is going to have this kind of access to your body.  Let him have his last hurrah.

5.  After the honeymoon is over, the “being married” stuff really begins.  Its now time to throw away all of that lingerie you bought for the honeymoon.

6.  As a wife you are expected to use all of those registry gifts to good use.  Make dinner for twelve, bake a million cakes, make your husband a milk shake.  In short, fatten him up to ensure that he will never leave you.

7.  It is also important to put your husband on a strict sex schedule, enough so that he still has the will to live, but not so much that he thinks he married a slut.  Remember, you’re not a single girl anymore.  Close those legs for christsake.

8.  Buy a set of nice pearls.  Clutch them whenever someone cusses or makes reference to male genitalia in your presence.

9.  Penis.  (This was a test. )

10.  Stop referring to your husband by name.  And make sure that you talk about him at least once every 20 minutes.  People will not find this at all annoying.  And remember, no names!  Just, “My husband this,” and “My husband that.”  John?  John, who?  John doesn’t exist anymore.  John’s just known as Mary’s husband now.

And that, my friends, is a little bit of wisdom from me to you.

But seriously Kari, you’re going to be gorgeous.  Congrats honey!  J is one lucky man.  Now here is my real present:

Oh, and also, Ben would like me to clarify that he does in fact still get blow jobs.  As a matter of fact he’s getting one right now.  I’m a master of multitasking.

Onto the business!  What to do this weekend?  Various events for your enjoyment:

• DeCordova’s Art in the Park Festival, Lincoln, MA: I have a secret to tell you, but you have to promise not to judge me too harshly.  I often begin sentences with the following phrase:  I was listening to NPR the other day and…  I am totally one of those people.  When I touch myself inappropriately I’m not fantasizing about David Beckham, I’m fantasizing about Carl Kassell.  Now you’re wondering what the hell my NPR-centric masturbatory fantasies have to do with the DeCordova Museum’s Art Festival?  Well, WBUR (Boston’s NPR affiliate) is one of the sponsors of this event.  Therefore this event has instant credibility in my mind.  I am so easily impressed.  I will be there with bells on (but no underwear!).
• Santa Mamba at The Rhode Island Museum of Art, Providence, RI:  I guess I’m on a museum jag this week, but don’t be alarmed because you can totally get wasted at this museum event.  Woohoo- TOTALLY APPROPRIATE!  Here’s the gist of the event:  music+art+cocktails+hor’d ourves=awesome.  Its math, you can’t argue with it.
• Artist’s and Friend’s Potluck Dinner at The Brattleboro Museum and Art Center, Brattleboro, VT: I figured, fuck it, I’ve got a theme going now.  Its Art Museum Weekend!  How excited are you?  Little hint for the people with penises reading this:  girls love artists and men who appreciate art.  Take my word for it, I used to sleep with any guy at the mention of the ICA.  I surprised many an unsuspecting tourist just looking for directions to the new location.  Oh, Single Me!  You were such a tramp!  Anywho, back to this event, its actually a pretty cool idea, bring an entree, go to the museum (which is providing drinks and dessert) and meet other artists, art groupies, or art aficionados.  And get laid.  Probably.  Well almost definitely if you join me in the no underwear on the weekends thing.
• Conneticut Open House Day, Statewide, CT:  Dude, this is AWESOME!  All over the state museums are not charging admission fees, there are a ton of free events, Connecticut is on to something!  Free is my favorite word, right after Jesus.  And rigmarole.  And juxtapose.  Free- its like my fourth favorite word and CT is all over it.
• Currier Museum of Art, Manchester, NH:  Jesus and sex jokes aside, this is an incredibly gorgeous museum and there is free admission on Saturday mornings.  The end.
• Il Divo, Movies at the Museum at The Portland Museum, Portland, ME:   Want to learn something else about me?  Something even more nerdy and pretentious than being an NPR fanatic?  I secretly love foreign films.  GOD, its so SHAMEFUL!  Its really a wonder I’m not still a virgin.  But, seriously, this looks like a really interesting movie.  A movie you could recount in lengthy detail to your (less sophisticated) significant other to help them fall asleep.  I am totally going to see this movie (with my glasses, but still no underwear).  True story.

Now go forth and enjoy your weekend!

Anywho, I was actually planning on writing a little bit about what’s going on this weekend in New England.  I’m going to be attending a top secret event* in Maine.  I would tell you about it, but you’re probably not cleared to attend.

*Its actually a bridal shower.  I just wanted to sound important.  I’m sad.

Back on task!  What to do this weekend:

• 25th Annual WOKQ Chowderfest, Portsmouth, NH: If you don’t dig chowder we can’t be friends.  And you have to move out of New England.  Sorry, I don’t make the rules.  So head to the chowderfest and be happy you live in New England.  Or else.
• Harpoon Summer Session, Boston, MA: BEER!  MUSIC!  BEER!  RUNNING!  MUSIC!  BEER!  NAKED LADIES!  Wait, what?  I got overly excited, there are no naked ladies.  Don’t be too disappointed though, there is beer and music… and running, but only if you’re into that sort of thing.  If you happen to watch the 5 miler please yell, “MELISSA IS AWESOME!!” from the sidelines.  Why?  Because its true.
• Pawtucket Red Sox, Pawtucket, RI:  Lets face it, its really frigging expensive to go to a Boston Red Sox game, so why not save a little money and a trip into the city and go see the Paw Sox?  Disclaimer:  I hate baseball, this is being added under duress.  Duress is also known as The Husband.
• World Ocean Day, Deer Isle, ME:  You may have heard that I’m an awesome (and modest) kayaker.  Have you heard that?  Okay, just wanted to make sure.  Well, this event promises to be full of ocean related fun, kayaking included!  And don’t be intimidated, I won’t be there to kick your ass.  World Ocean Day is safe.
• Connecticut Film Festival, Danbury, CT:  I’m all hip and shit so I love this stuff.  No, but really, it looks like a pretty awesome time- movies, music, and I’m sure there will be a ton of people in skinny jeans.  The better to check out asses with my dear.
• Ben & Jerry’s Concert On The Green, Shelburne, VT:  Emmy Lou Harris, Shawn Colvin, Patty Griffin, Buddy Miller and a pretty kick ass venue.  Come on Vermonters!  You know you want it.  In case you couldn’t tell, I’m all out of funny laugh laugh jokes.  My brain hurts.

This year the fest is being headlined by Donavon Frankenreiter (pause to take in the awesomeness of his name).  If you’ve never heard of Mr. Frankenreiter, check out his site for some samples of his music.  I dig it, very mellow, very California, perfect accompaniment to one (or twelve, we don’t judge here) of Redhook’s brews. 

So, if you’re looking for something to do on July 26th (or if you’re always looking for something to do involving beer and music), you can get tickets here.

We’ll be sure to give you a recap (filled with inappropriate photos) after the festivities!