FAQ
Readers often write to me asking questions about The Pilgrim Congress. Here are the answers to the most commonly asked questions:
1. You are not funny at all. Why do you seem to think you’re hilarious?
My mom told me once, like ten years ago, that it was okay that Kelley was spreading all those nasty rumors around school about me and that shampoo bottle. See, Kelley was just jealous of my superior sense of comedic timing and general wit. Are you calling my mom a liar?
2. Are you and Jesus really best friends?
Yes.
3. What happened to Evan? Did you kill her?
There was an accident. Mistakes were made, but Evan should be out of the hospital in the next 6 months of so.
4. Why is this site called The Pilgrim Congress?
Ev and I got really drunk one day and just started randomly stringing words together. It was either The Pilgrim Congress or Something Immediately Red Bull.
5. Why do you have ads on your site? Are you a sellout asshole?
In a word, yes. In several words, selling out is my favorite activity. In closing, I would sell you my mother for a dollar if you could legally buy and sell people.
6. I feel bad for your husband. Is there some way I can contact him to offer him some assistance?
The Husband can be reached at chainedtotheradiator @ yahoo dot com.
7. Who is your inspiration?
Jesus. And Elton John sometimes. Mostly Jesus though.
8. I want to send you a gift, what should I send you?
A puppy. Preferably Price’s puppy. So basically, I would like it if you broke into Price’s house, stole her puppy, and sent it to me.
9. I think you need help. Would you like the name of my therapist?
I currently see a team of psychiatric professionals who attempt to manage my care, but we’re always hiring. For some reason turnover is really high.
10. You are crass and I hate you.
Sir, that’s not a question.
