Sleep is for Amatuers
Sometimes I think that having OCD is like having a super awesome special power. Like Superman can fly (or something. I don’t know, I’m a girl and not a virgin so superhero facts are not my forte), and Spiderman can like… eat flies or whatever. Huh, I actually have no idea what Spiderman’s powers are supposed to be… All I know is he dresses like an oddly patriotic rapist cast in particularly kinky Cirque de Soliel performance. Whatever, that’s neither here nor there, my point is having OCD is like having the power to function without sleep or food. Oh and I totally have an arch enemy- bacteria! And viruses! Essentially all manner of things associated with the filthy masses.
So last week? I went on a business trip. To Missouri. Jealous? Thought so. While down there I was a bit on edge. Here’s the deal, even on my best and most normal day I am clinically intense, and as soon as I am removed from my rather narrow element that intensity ratchets up to something that leaves me feeling like I’m on the sixth day of a ten day coke binge. Not that I would know, I mean I’m pretty sure if I took uppers I’d be dead. My resting heart rate already rivals that of a bunny rabbit, so you know… I’m not a drug addict. Moving on… While down there I think I slept a total of, hmm, forty-five minutes. Maybe. I also ate like twice. Now if this were a math equation you would probably imagine that it would look something like this:
no sleep + no food = death
But, hey, guess what?!? You would be totally wrong! Apparently you fucking suck at crazy-people math! The correct equation looks like this:
no sleep + no food = motherfucking unrivaled productivity, bitches
Like, I should totally move to Kansas City permanently and stop eating and sleeping forever. Oh, the work I got done! The books I read! The endless podcasts I listened to! It was glorious. Like dirty-sex-with-Stone-Philips-circa-1996 glorious. But. BUT, I am totally paying for that shit now. It’s like my body suddenly realized that biological laws state humans require calories for energy and sleep for proper brain function, and now its kind of freaking out. And yet I still can’t sleep. I think my body forgot how. Is that possible? I keep trying to do things like lie down in a dark room, and listen to white noise on my iPad, and count down slowly from one hundred. And while I’m doing all of this, my brain is simply refusing to get on board with this whole sleeping plan. And so, here I am, decidedly not sleeping and feeling too incoherent to do anything productive.
What to do now… Walk the dog until my legs give out and I fall into an involuntary sleep on the side of the road? Definite possibility. Clean the bathrooms in the house until they could all collectively double as surgical theaters? Too late, I already did that. Make a mental list of all the men I’ve made out and see how many names I can actually remember? Yup, totally my backup plan if the dog walking thing doesn’t pan out. Peruse the Internet for interesting facts about the effects of sleep deprivation on humans? Lets just say these are all good options.
And on that note, just know that I hate all of you sleeping jackasses.
Kisses!
I still get excited when you blog. But yes, every time I can’t sleep, I assume that I’ll never sleep again. My body can’t ever remember how. And after a week of being a raging bitch but also getting more done than some people do in a lifetime, I fall into something resembling a coma.
Some time ago, I really needed to buy a good house for my corporation but I did not have enough cash and could not order anything. Thank God my father proposed to try to take the home loans at reliable bank. Thus, I did so and was happy with my bank loan.
Sorry I missed you when you were in KC. But as far as the insomnia goes I’m surprised the wonder drug called Scotch didn’t cross your mind…
It’s like we are the same person sometimes. Only, I eat all the food that you don’t. And like all the food that every skinny person left behind. Yup that’s me
PS. Holy shitballs I missed your ass sooooo much!
There was a time in my life when I could go without sleep and be super productive — it was called the Awful Nightshift. At the time I thought the Awful Nightshift was Awesome and felt like I was Getting So Much Stuff Done.
After about 6 months they took me off of the Awful Nightshift — it took me 3 weeks to detox from no sleep life, but then I went back and looked at all of that supposedly Awesome work I did while I was staying up for 4 days straight? Big surprise, that work was not so Awesome.
I don’t think this comment had a point other than sleeping is fun and I missed you!
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but is really a statement the size of what you happen to be saying. Best wishes, indeed.