Shouldn’t Ovaries Make This Easier?
There are all sorts of things at which I excel. For example, I can listen to a podcast and read a book simultaneously and retain nearly all of both. Also, I give a stellar blow job. These are just the highlights people, I have all manner of other talents in the valley between fellatio and intellectual multi-tasking. But this is not a post about my general awesomeness (if it were I’d be sure to point out how great I am at modesty), this is a post about my own personal albatross- my serious lack of innate social skills.
So here’s the deal, I like people. I even love some people. On the whole I think people are interesting creatures worthy of affection. Long story short, I am totally not a sociopath. Just wanted to get that out there before I make some potentially sociopathic statements. Ready? Okay. I simply don’t get other people. Like I am spectacularly awful at normalcy which means that my perspective on most things is just different enough from that of the average human being that I’m sometimes left scratching my head at middle-of-the-bell-curve behavior. For example, I emphatically do not understand people who crave shoulders to cry on when they are upset. So confusing. When I’m down or sad or feeling generally unwell I want to be alone, as in decidedly unequivocally alone. I just like my own company. I feel most myself when I am alone. I like the feeling of my own thoughts in my own head analyzing my own experiences. I motherfucking like myself (::cough:narcissist:cough::).
BUT, all that comfort with myself? Completely irritating. Because guess what? No man is an island and all that cliched bullshit. It’s hard for me to connect with other people and yet (ignoring all contrary evidence) I am human and as such require social relationships to maintain my (relative) mental health. I think (absolute conjecture here) that what helps most people feel genuinely connected to others is a sense of reciprocal need, and total independence doesn’t allow for that type of reciprocity. And so, I am trying very hard to be… different. And that shit is not easy, yo.
In an attempt to improve on my whole “human connectedness” shtick, I’ve been trying to come up with a list of things that make me feel all warm and sweet with other people, and I’ve got to tell you I suck at this. Do these things come naturally to you??? Because my initial list looked like this:
1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Shared passion for NPR
4. Sex
5. Naming me the godmother of your child
And I’ve got to say there are some serious flaws with that list.
1. I think my friends are going to be totally freaked out if I try to make out with them in order to introduce intimacy into our relationships. Just a guess. I mean they’re almost all married with kids, and most of them are women, so you know…
2. I have yet to meet someone as fanatically devoted to NPR as I am- total dead end.
3. Um, hi, have you met me? I had to slip Danielle a mickey to get her to agree to make me her son’s godmother.
Short of sleeping with someone and/or converting them to the Church of Carl Kasell, how does one go about having a deep(ish) and (kind of) meaningful relationship? It’s a fucking emotional Rubik’s cube. I’m totally adept at making friends, I can run that social sprint like all get out. But the marathon of actual friendship? Fuck, if we’re not actively sleeping together or you’re not birthing adorable children for whom I am spiritually responsible, it’s totally possible I’ll just stop answering your calls one day and after a few months you’ll just assume I died. And, dear person who’s calls I randomly stopped answering, just know- it’s not you, it’s me. You are lovely and I am crazy.
In closing, I’m trying to grow and stuff. Truly, I want to be the kind of person who turns to friends when I’ve had a hard day. And more importantly I want to be the kind of person my loved ones can rely on consistently. So, yeah, if I randomly start calling just to say I love you, I promise I’m not dying of cancer, I’m not in AA, and I don’t need to borrow your car- I’m just trying to connect with you. While clothed. Weird, right?
1. I’d bone you.
2. My ranking of NPR men is as follows: Ari Shapiro —> Steve Inskeep —> Peter Sagal. I love me some NPR.
Re NPR- I’d hook you up with my husband if I wasn’t married to him. My anniversary gift to him was the This is NPR book and he almost cried.
As far as the friends thing goes, I have the same problem. And, like you, I don’t go to other people with my drama or sadness, I just deal with it myself and move on. I think in order to be someone who is there for people when they have drama, you have to have drama yourself and let them be there for you when you have it. In most of my friendship, there is someone else who is better friends with my friends who shares much more with them. If you are a more rational, less emotional, person (which I am too), I think people feel stupid coming to you with problems because you don’t “get it.” This is just from my experience, but I’ve come to accept it although I try to fight it every few years. However, I think it’s just a personality thing.
People are really good at pouring their hearts out to me, but I suck at pouring my heart out to others. I always feel like people count me as a better friend than I count them, if that makes any sense.
And yay for NPR!!
The thing women like most about me is I’m a great listener. Now, what was it you were saying? Something about a blowjob?
We could be friends. We could discuss NPR and then I’d call you all the time like a crazed stalker. Because I’m weird and like talking on the phone. A lot.
People say they want friends all the way up to the point where the restraining orders get filed for. :p
I absolutely love making friends, but keeping them is so much harder than making them. I’m wicked good at online friendships, but anything offline that requires me to leave the house means there’s a 95% chances I’ll have to medicate with Xanax just to make it out the door is not fun for me.
It’s weird, because I used to be so social. In high school I had friends in different towns and my grandparents were always driving me to their houses for sleepovers and such. Now? Not so much. I used to be capable of carrying on a conversation over the phone for 8 hours, now I can’t even sit with someone and have anything to say. I’m just a boring person, and I don’t know when that change happened.
Good luck learning how to make friendships last. If you figure it out, please share the wisdom.
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I think your list sounds perfect to me. Except the NPR thing
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