The Pilgrim Congress

Top Ten Ways To Guarantee You’ll Die of a Stab Wound

1. Ask me, “So, when are you and Ben going to start a family?”

2. Respond with, “You’re pregnant!” when I say, “I have good news!”

Here’s the thing, asking a lady about her sex life? That shit is inappropriate. Asking people about their family plans? That shit is banal. When you ask me when/if I’m going to procreate you have managed to be simultaneously salacious and pedestrian, and while that is actually a sort of impressive feat, I’m still irritated. If you want to talk about sex I am totally down with that.* But if you want to talk about the current occupancy rate of my uterus I’m going to be fantasizing about stabbing you while you blather on stream of consciousness style about the joy of breeding.

And while we’re on the topic of breeders… Listen, I get it, you have a baby/toddler/child/teenager and you think that he/she is the most adorable/precocious/funny/fascinating person ever, but guess what? I don’t. And neither does anyone else who isn’t directly related to said offspring. Allow me to clarify, my friends and their sweet little babies? I’m sold. Send me cute photos, forward me videos, tell me about what they did at lunch today. But everyone else? I don’t care. I particularly don’t care when I’m at work and you’re holding me hostage in the kitchen with Tales From Parenthood, presented multi-media style courtesy of your iPhone.

So yeah, being married and in your late twenties is apparently the equivalent of wearing a giant sandwich board that says, “ASK ME ABOUT MY VAGINA AND ITS PLANS FOR THE FUTURE!” It’s really my own fault.

*Reference: Every post on this blog that’s not about my imagined allergies nor my propensity towards social akwardness

P.S. For the record, my godson is the cutest baby on Earth. Sorry to burst your bubble receptionist lady.

emawkc

May 20th, 2011 at 11:21 am · Reply

When I see a woman who looks pregnant, I will never ask when her due date is… again.

SillyJaime

May 22nd, 2011 at 11:13 am · Reply

Oh man. Every single time I call my mother, ever since I got married, she asks me when I’m going to have a baby. She turns EVERYTHING into a situation where she can ask if I’m pregnant or planning to be any time soon. I have to tell her: Look, Lady. I’m not ready, and stop asking me!

PISSES ME THE EFF OFF.

I mean, I’m 28. I don’t even know if I want kids yet. Sometimes I think I do, other times I’m terrified because WHAT IF I HAVE TO STOP TAKING MY MEDS TO HAVE A CHILD AND I WON’T SURVIVE THE ANXIETY OF BEING PREGNANT WITHOUT IT. Other times I just don’t think I want to push a watermelon-sized human being out from between my legs.

So…. I feel your pain.

Also…. where did you get the ‘plugin’ for your spam protection? I need that.

suzy pepper

May 22nd, 2011 at 5:42 pm · Reply

Damnit. I really enjoy asking my friends when they will have babies, whether they are married, single, still in school, etc. I’m just really excited for babies that I can play with. :[

MsTerri

May 23rd, 2011 at 11:12 am · Reply

Ugh, I haaaated people asking me and asking me “when are you going to have another one?” and saying “you still have time!” and then that one lady in church saying “I see you have some construction underway!” Only if by “construction” you mean “massive honeymoon too-much-dining-at-the-Hard-Rock” construction.

I always want to ask back “so when will YOU be allowing your husband to ejaculate inside of you without the benefit of contraceptive and then hold your legs in the air for a half hour and hope the sperm finds the egg?”

Erin @ The Speckled Palate

June 12th, 2011 at 9:42 pm · Reply

Aaaaand you nailed it. I’m in the same spot as you right now… got married in October, and people are ALREADY asking about us having kids. I’m sorry, but the goings-on in my uterus are NONE of your business, family friend/mother’s co-worker/random wedding guest who feels this is appropriate to ask.

I think we need to come up with some kind of snarky comeback…