The Pilgrim Congress

So I’ve been watching Ally McBeal on Netflix and HOLY JESUS you guys this show is terrible.   While that may not seem like much of a revelation to you, I used to love this show when it first aired.  Granted I was like fourteen at the time and in love with Jonathan Taylor Thomas, so yeah… there’s some context for you.  Watching it now as an adult I kind of feel like a little kid who just found out that while Santa is real, he’s also a child molester.

What follows is my litany of recently uncovered misconceptions.  You may want to skip this if you a.) have never seen Ally McBeal, or b.) value your time too much to waste it reading about 90’s dramadies.  Alright then, for those of you who are sticking around lets get started.

First off, as a high school freshman I was unaware that adult women with professional careers can’t dress like hookers with blazers when on the clock.

Pardon Me Ma'am, You Seem To Have Forgotten Your Pants

I mean I like dressing like a vagina flashing ho as much as the next girl, but I usually save those looks for my off hours.  I’m also not a lawyer, so maybe I’m missing something.  Though I do have lawyer friends and as far as I know they all wear ass covering garments to work.  I’ll have to confirm that with them to be sure…

Secondly, mental illness while hilarious in its milder forms tends to get less funny when its progressed to outright hallucinations.  The Ally McBeal character could probably have benefited from a civil commitment.  As a teenager I thought she was all romantic and whimsical, as an adult I’m afraid she might blow the building up come next episode.  I just finished the episode where the therapist tries to get her to consider taking Prozac (number one indication that this is a show from the 90’s, I mean Prozac?  How quaint!) and she’s all, “No, I’m proud I don’t fit in.  Blah, blah, blah.”  And I can’t help but think that if I went to my therapist and told her I couldn’t get through the day with out having multiple hallucinations Prozac would be the least of her recommendations.

Thirdly, Ally McBeal is a home-wrecking slut.  There I said it.

Lastly, I’m confident that the all of writers on this show were men with small penises.  I came to this conclusion after the thirtieth mention by a character that women a.) are sexual objects, b.) secretly want to be nothing more than sexual objects, c.) can’t complete professionally with men because their brains are rules by their ovaries, d.) are pathologically litigious and ruining society with their damn sexual harassment laws.

In closing, this show is fucking horrible and I yet can’t stop watching it.

P.S.  Happy Rapture Christians!! See you in Hell everyone else!!