Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I Hate You Tomorrow
Tomorrow I am leaving for Manila. Tomorrow I will get up at an ungodly hour and drive to Logan airport and get on an airplane. And then I will throw up and pray to Jesus. And then throw up some more. And pray again. And then I’ll die. I’m pretty sure this is the arc my life story is about to take. And you know what? I’ve accepted it. I’ve made peace with my impending death and have moved on to funeral plans.
I am obsessed with This American Life. I want to make sweet, sweet love to Ira Glass while he tells me funny and thought provoking stories about things that seem one way but are actually another way, and after coitus I’ll look over at him and be all, “Life is so complicated. And fascinating. Here’s a one thousand dollar donation to public radio.” Anywho, earlier this week I was listening to an old episode of This American Life and there was this story about funerals, and more specifically people who prior to death make video messages that will be played at their funerals. Or something like that. To be honest I was writing while listening to the story in the background so there’s a distinct possibility that I imagined at least a portion of that. This story (or hallucination) totally inspired me and so I have decided to make a video message that will be played at my funeral after my inevitable travel related death. There is just one minor problem, I have already packed my video camera. You’re probably wondering why I packed my video camera if I plan on dying tomorrow, and the answer is simple and predictable, Ben made me pack. Even after I explained that I’m definitely going to die on this trip. Ira Glass would never do that.
Since I am cameraless at the moment I am going to instead write a farewell letter, full of wisdom and other stuff. And here we go:
Dearest People Who Loved Me,
First off let me thank you for coming to my funeral. You look pretty today. Black suits you.
I want you to know that I am not in a better place. Do not comfort yourself with lame platitudes like,
“Jill is with Jesus now.”
or
“Jill wouldn’t want you to be sad.”
or
“Jill would want you to move on.”
None of these things are true. I have an entire blog dedicated to derisive Jesus jokes. I am not with Jesus. Jesus is totally punishing me right now. Also, I want you to be sad and never move on. I have no children, the only way I will live on is through your grief. Everyday should begin with crying, fist shaking at the sky, and proclamations of never ending sadness. And now that I am dead I am like Santa Claus, I see all, I know all. I know when you are sleeping and awake, but more importantly I know if you are moving on, and so help me Jesus if you even try to move on I will totally haunt you. Have you seen Paranormal Activity? Because I will make that shit look like a goddamn fairy tale. Any money you were planning on spending on therapy, you should instead spend on building a shrine. My favorite color is a sunny yellow and I love puppies, so yellow puppies should be the a central theme to the shrine. Also, you will see a merchandise table by the casket where you can purchase a variety of shrine-approved photos.
In closing, I love you all, but that will not stop me from ruining your life if you do not properly mourn.
Love,
Jill
Production Note: This letter should be read by someone with a rich baritone with Ginuwine’s My Pony playing softly in the background.
Also, I leave all of my earthly belongings to my new godson. Yes, you read that correctly, my gorgeous friend Danielle and her very handsome husband Mike asked Ben and I to be godparents. That happened. In real life. And, in all seriousness, we couldn’t be happier.
In conclusion, the end.
OMG that just made me laugh myself to tears. Awesome.
Hahaha I loved this so much..I also would like to make sweet sweet love to Ira Glass. He would whisper sweet nothings in my ear using his calm soft voice… Oy. I’m getting a little excited. As for you letter, you have inspired me to write my own. I want people to miss me every day when I die. I hope you don’t die tomorrow!!!
I love you, but you arent going to die tomorrow, or ever for that matter. Ever see the Highlander movie? Thats how it will be, except youll be the one who always wins the fights. There can be only one!
I shall build a shrine to you. And I shall sacrifice a turkey upon it daily.
And then, because I am not one to waste meat, I shall eat the turkey.
You are too funny, Jill, and very dramatic! You will be fine on your flight tomorrow. Have a great trip, and I can’t wait to see the video when you return (because you will return).
“My Pony”? Talk about the crowning jewel!!
Jesus appreciates your humor, so he’ll totally grant you entrance to the pearly gates.
Congrats on the godparent-dom! Jesus would be proud
oh yeah, I’m so pulling a paranormal activity on people when I’m a demon or whatever too. It seems like the right thing to do.
my condolences on your impending death. i will miss you forever and i will keep you in my heart. where should i send death flowers and or casseroles? love, becky
You’ve been gone sooooo long, i thought you were already dead.
Why go to Manila?
Are you running low on those folders?
Oh, come now. Jesus loves a good dick joke!
Jill, you are too effing funny!! XD
No problem, I already have a shrine to you so that part is easy. And it is COVERED in yellow puppies. Have a good death. Hope to be haunted by you soon
Oh, good grief…you’re fine, the plane is fine, the turbulence is fine…the plane food prolly not…bring me back and envelope!
For once, I would have been totally okay with auto music being on a blog… if it was the Pony song.
Also, I will now have that in my head for the rest of the day.
While I take Mom to the zoo.
Thanks for that.
Tell me there will be no funeral…I wanna know how Manilla is!!
haha, you’re awesome.
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