Scary Letters to Celebrities, Part I
Funny story, my dad once got a letter from Stephen King’s lawyers informing my father that he was to cease and desist in sending mail to the author. What precipitated this letter, you ask? Well, my father thought it would be hilarious to send Mr. King a series of letters claiming that the ideas for It, The Shining, and The Stand had been stolen from my father via some sort of Mainer voodoo on the part of Stephen King. As it turns out Stephen King’s lawyers did not think this was in the least funny and were, instead, quite frightened. This blog series is inspired by those letters.
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Dearest Stone Phillips,
I am writing first and foremost to inform you that I received your message. I will admit that I gave up on us a long time ago. Once you were fired from NBC I had to come to terms with the fact that you were no longer going to visit my house, late at night, with softcore news stories about meth labs in middle America and three legged cats also in middle America and all manner of other things that happen in middle America . I even married another man, albeit another man who bares a striking resemblance to a younger you. In my defense, I only married Ben after he agreed to let me name our first child, regardless of gender, Stone.
But now everything is different. Yesterday I saw a rerun of Dateline and it included a segment about your personal life, specifically about how much you love your dad and how you grew up on a ranch or something. I know now that this particular rerun was meant to be viewed by me. As I was watching, riveted, I heard a disembodied voice telling me that this was a message from you, a message meant only for me. Stone, I will not disappoint you. I will be joining you in New York in just a few short days.
I want to assure you that I completely understood the message you were trying to telepathically communicate. The episode featured a piece about the over-prescription of medications in this country, so the first thing I did was stop taking all of my meds. There was also a segment on automatic weapons and gun control, and I think I know what you were hinting at there. The final segment was about child molesters, so I’m going to go ahead and kidnap Chris Hanson and bring him to you.
I can only assume that we’re having some sort of bacchanalia which will feature a Chris Hanson sacrifice. Am I, right? Wait, don’t tell me. I want it to be a surprise.
Much Love and Devotion,
Jillian Pilgrim
P.S. I made a little something for you. I hope you like it.
First, he hasn’t aged well, at least in that photo (ahhh, don’t hurt me!)
Second, you are hilarious my dear. Please keep us updated on the letters the lawyers send YOU
A hog-tied Chris Hanson is the gift that just keeps on giving.
“Soooo…. What are you doin’ here?” Thats what you say to Chris Hanson when he walks into his kitchen and you are standing there with a microphone and a camera.
I think I love your family. My first memory of Stone Phillips involves watching the news with my mom, her claiming that he was attractive, me asking if she thought he was more attractive than Dad, her laughing, and me running to my room crying, because OMG, that’s weird. Anyway, the Chris Hanson kidnapping part was awesome.
Okay. Your dad? Awesome.
You liking Stone Philips? I don’t get it.
I don’t care if Stone was hinting at that or not, I think a bacchanalia revolving around the ritual sacrifice of Chris Hanson is the way to go. In fact, rip him to shreds, a la Orpheus. THAT would be fun.
Especially the part where he starts screaming and crying about how he was just trying to protect the children. The naked part is just a bonus.
I want to bone Chris Hansen, so can I come? (TWSS)
First, I love your dad and I feel like I understand you soooo much more. Also, I agree with husband’s comment above. Finally, BIG UPS for using “bacchanalia” in a blog post.
OMG, LMAO!!
Stone Pilgrim.
Great name for a rock band.
I don’t see how this “Scary Letters to Celebrities” project could possibly end badly.
Seems like a pretty darn clear message to me. And thanks to you Stone will never have to stand next to someone wearing such an…interesting outfit…again. Only you. Forever.
Ok, are you guys sure that Ben isn’t somehow related to Stone? Because in looking at the picture above, I can see a clear resemblance, and that is just awesomeness.
I can’t imagine growing up with a name like “Stone”, btw. I’m picturing kids throwing rocks at me and laughing, and it’s unpleasant to say the least.
Dearest Jill,
Since your previous post w/ you doing gymnastics you have really let your breasts sag. I want you to go out and pick up a push up bra from Victoria’s Secret. Stone will really appreciate it. Truly.
Sincerely yours,
Kellie
Oh, my gosh. This was too hilarious! I think this just might be the best letter I’ve ever read.
And your dad sounds hilarious, too. Haha, love it!
Instead of writing to Stephen King, your pops should have just started addressing the letters to Richard Bachman.
I wonder how that would play out with the police? I think that whole Bachman phase King went threw is such a joke.
Ah shit, I now know what it feels like to have wine shoot out of your nose. Thanks a lot. First I pee my pants because you can’t keep your mouth shut and now I spray snotty wine all over my keyboard. Super day. Thanks much.
*eyeroll*
oh, i’m with bigmamacass – i now know what it’s like to shoot wine out my nose as well.
oy. if you were wondering, it was not a pleasant sensation.
and why didn’t i think of writing letters to celebrities? DAMN. i mean…DAMN.
i have a letter to go write.
you just reignited my stone phillips flame. always remember it was YOU who bred the competition.
and your dad = awesome! or crazy. jury is still out.
Actually reading King’s collection of short stories today entitled “After Sunset”, sooo… weird coinkydink.
Your dad rocks no doubt.
Be pretty cool if you had a daughter named Stone I must say. I heartily endorse it. She’ll be the belle of the all-girl dance. Especially if she starts the rock band envisioned above. She’ll get mad leg for sure.
Don’t stop bringin it, Pilgrim.
YES, another unhealthy anchor obsession. Mine is Anderson Cooper. I know. I know. I’m not his type.
when is your birthday.
I can make miracles happy
you WILL have him.
Amazing!!! I love writing letters to celebrities….although my blog’s letter series pretty much consists of “Why are you SUCH a sap/asswipe/geebag/etc/etc”…all good fun!
Freakin’ awesome.
though i do not find stone phillips uber attractive, I DO enjoy his voice. i would listen to him read the phone book. seriously.