FW: Some Stupid Shit You Don’t Care About
There is probably nothing I hate more than when someone forwards me some asinine email about crime rates, or people of Walmart, or a video of some kid dancing to some piece of music that makes my ears bleed. Lets just all agree that the Internet is a truly awesome place, full of wonder and knowledge and bare naked breasts, and furthermore lets agree that we should all be free to peruse the Internet at our leisure looking for interesting shit. Please, I beg of you, do not send me a mass email about how Obama isn’t really an American citizen and how we should probably just go ahead and overthrow the government now. If I’m interested in a coup, I’ll do the research myself, I don’t need to be recruited by my 92 year old great aunt.
In my life there are several different classes of mass emailers and they are all horrible and rage-inducing in unique ways. Lets take a look at these special snowflakes:
The Conservative Family Member Mass Emailer
Disclaimer: I live in New Hampshire. Our state motto is LIVE FREE OR DIE and I’m totally down with that. I’m not a Democrat, I’m not a Republican. I do not like getting political propaganda email from either party. Just wanted to clarify so that I don’t get any nasty emails from any of my more conservative friends.
As I’ve just indicated, I do not want any viral email about any party’s political agenda coming into my inbox, but I must say that I’ve noticed a distinct difference in the volume of right-wing vs. left-wing emails. I may have a skewed sense of things because I have a crazy aunt who I’m pretty sure is secretly Dick Cheney. (Lets just say I’ve never seen them in the same room together, suspicious.) This crazy aunt loves to send me and everyone she has ever met, and probably some people she hasn’t, emails about her three favorite topics: Jesus, Obama as Satan, Sarah Palin. If you are lucky enough to have never met my aunt, or Dick Cheney, and if you’ve avoided the Conservative Mass Email Epidemic thus far, let me give you a quick synopsis:
Obama was not born in America, but was instead pushed from the loins of the Devil in the deep fiery pits of hell. The liberal media is not reporting this story because they are liberal. And evil. LET PEOPLE KNOW THE TRUTH! Email this to everyone you know so that we can amass a great army to defeat the liberal agenda of forward progress!
This random person that someone knows got really sick, and then she and her family prayed to Jesus, and then she got better. But only after she declared herself saved and started donating 10% gross to the CBN. Go Jesus! Forward this email to everyone you know so that we can spread the word of Jesus, and also maybe we can amass a great army to defeat the liberal agenda of forward progress!
Sarah Palin is awesome. The end. Send this on to everyone you know so that we can amass a great army to defeat the liberal agenda of forward progress!
Guys, I love Jesus and America, but if there is anything in this world that’s going to turn me into salvation hating French citizen, its these emails. Seriously, I break a commandment every time I get one, just out of spite.
The Read My Blog/Watch My YouTube Video Mass Emailer
Disclaimer: I love being a blogger. I really do. I love having a place to share all of the scary thoughts that swirl around in my brain space. I love getting emails from other bloggers and people who just read this for fun (or to feel normal in comparison, whatever). It makes me totally happy.
Now, that being said, jillian@pilgrimcongress.com has somehow ended up on a unusual amount of mass email lists. Inevitably I get these emails from people who I’ve had no prior contact with, and generally they are about this HILARIOUS video I need to watch, or an AWESOME giveaway on someone’s site. A few tips for those people: Your kid jumping on a trampoline and falling off is not hilarious, its neglectful. And a little hilarious, but only if he breaks something. But even if he breaks something I’m not really interested, and if I were I would just go to YouTube and type in “neglectful parent with camcorder scars child for life via bouncing apparatus.” Also, I love giveaways. I dig it. Its awesome. That being said, if I don’t read your blog already, I’m probably not going to start because you’re giving away monogrammed stationary from your Etsy store. Now, if you were giving away monogrammed televisions… Either way though, really and truly, if we’ve never had any interaction and I get an email from you addressed to a billion other people, your giveaway could be for a monogrammed picture of Stone Phillip’s penis and I’d still delete it because that shit is spam.
The Socially Retarded Friend of Your Spouse Who Has No Tact And Who Makes You Want To Harm Yourself Mass Emailer
Is this just me?
Ben has this friend who we’ll call Paul. I’m pretty sure Paul is mentally challenged as a result of a being pummeled in the head as a child. With oranges. By his mother. This is the only explanation for the email forwards that Paul sends out daily. Emails about how women should not be allowed in the workplace. Emails that he sends to me, a woman, at my work email address. Emails about how fat chicks are gross, and the various noises that erupt from their bodies during sexual intercourse. That come to my professional email address. At my very conservative company. Emails about the best way to cheat on your wife. That he sends to me, his friend’s wife. Oh sir, you are the most offensive mass emailer of all. Jesus hates you. He told me in an email that I subsequently forwarded to everyone you know.
P.S. Thanks Krista.
My mom sends me this shit all the time. How do you tell your mom to go piss up a rope? Her comments on my Facebook profile are even worse, but yet, I don’t hide my updates from her because, secretly, I like laughing at her dementia and stupidity.
I’m a terrible person, right?
Oh, look, up above? I am not honoring my mother! Score!!!
Sooo, I had to block my Grandpa. From emailing me at work. Why? The political propaganda he peppered my inbox with every god damn day. It was ridiculously annoying and rude and stupid and terrible, because I (like you) am no “real” political party, but I am NOT religiously conservative, that’s for damn sure.
I think my least fave forwarder is this woman I work with who passes on those forwards everyone’s been reading since Hotmail was invented, like “Natural Highs” and “Things to do in an elevator” (you know…cover it in post its! Or ask everyone to take off their shoes!) and kitten pictures.
Email is hell sometimes.
I’m going to send you emails all day long.
That was the point of this post, right?
My favourite are the 20 bajillion “I’m having a super amazing giveaway!” emails I get through 20SB. I care not. I really need to change that email setting… haha
Oh yeah I get those “look at my HILARIOUS blog” e-mails too.
Yesterday Dr.C brought home a printed-out mass e-mail from his work of “man rules” like “Hey ladies, put your own damn toilet seat down” and other such witticisms so that I could share the laughs.
There are so many things wrong with that. Like, for example, um…why didn’t he just forward it to me?
I don’t get it.
That is the worst! I literally get upset when I am sent them. In fact, I haven’t read one in a really long time because I always hit delete. Don’t have the heart to tell my family members that though.
I don’t know how I’ve managed to avoid getting all that many mass emails. Perhaps it’s the head of a distant relative on a pike that I put up as a warning to the others…
I was going to comment here but I think instead I’ll just email you several thousand times with links to cheap electronics.
You’re welcome.
OMG “Obama was not born in America, but was instead pushed from the loins of the Devil in the deep fiery pits of hell.” just made my fucking life. Officially making it my gchat status.
yes yes! i get those crazy conservative emails from my MIL, my favorites were (in this order): an essay on how Obama is a robot controlled by the jews (which doesn’t make ANY sense) and What is the difference between Hitler and Obama? Hitler got the Olympics.
Can I just say how much I adore you for this post (well, I won’t just say that because I talk too much but still)? My dad is definitely the first kind of spam emailer and I have had to ask many times to be taken off whatever weird list he keeps of people who want emails about right-wing agendas and Jesus (Go Jesus!). My mom is more the third kind, although less in the offensive way and more in the sappy, blinky, pictures of puppies, pass this on to your bestest friend/sister/nail lady kinda way. Either way the desire to harm is there.
Someday folks will learn that email is for legit communication, not crap…at least thats what I keep telling myself.
Not that this was the only funny item in this post by any means, but I literally laughed audibly (I try to say ‘laughed audibly’ instead of ‘laughed out loud,’ for obvious yet irrational personal reasons) when you said your aunt is possibly Dick Cheney. Perhaps you can know for sure if you investigate for the presence of pockmarks on her face related to stray gunshot… But that’s not the comment I wanted to make.
My comment is that my conservative mother drives me absolutely WHACK with this mass email shit. In college, I had to call her up to tell her to STOP FILLING MY INBOX WITH SHIT because I’M A STUDENT AND HAVE NO TIME TO READ IT ALL! It worked. For a while. And now that I’m back in school…? MORE SHIT. SHIT UP TO MY EYEBALLS. What really gets me is when I notice she has sent it to individuals whom I know to be liberal. Bleeding heart Massachusetts native liberal – that kind of liberal.
I mean, does she think if she sends an email with a picture of Tiger Woods chilling with Obama, as Obama laughs and says “No really, I’ve screwed more people than you…” that these die-hard liberals will suddenly change their political views!? Is Tiger Woods faithful!?!? NO MOM, NO.
My mom and her friends obsessively forward crap. Like the “If you don’t send this to at least 10 people, your wish will never be granted, and you will probably die” kind of stuff. I did this when I was, like, 9, and the internet was a fun new novelty (at least to me). I think all these old people (sorry Mom) missed out on the internet back then, and they’re making up for it now. PLEASE STOP.
I will forever rue the day that I gave my father-in-law my email address. I now have a collection of “I hate Obama” emails that would put “myrightwingdad.com” to shame. *sigh*
Wow. Paul ain’t too smert now der is he?
Also, my dad is #1. I have lost count of how many political ranting emails he has sent me. It is insane. And truly absolutely totally annoying. How can I get him to stop?
Well, you brought it up. So Ima gonna go ahead and rant.
I love my best friend. We have known each other for 23 years and many husbands. Buuuut damn. She sends me this “love ‘merica or get out” crap every quarter, I swear. McCain crap, immigration bullshit, and prayer in schools. I mean total bullshit Paul could figure out is brainless ad hoc argumentation for bigotry, prejudice, and racism, under the guise of being a patriot.
I have one more friend who does this, and I let it slide. We’ve known each other awhile, but she really doesn’t know how completely offended I am by this crap. But how could my best friend not know for crissake?
So let me just put this out there. Ya know those emails y’all send that say “if you’uns agree with me and are good ‘mericans wall than send this on to other red blooded blue collared God fearing salt of the earth folks like us before the commies take over our one nation under Jesus”.
I’m fucking deleting them, people, okay? Don’t waste the time it took to click “add”.
And thank you so much for giving me you blog as a venue.
This has bothered me for years!
Whaaat!!?? You wouldnt even read a new blog if they sent you a picture of Stone Phillip’s penis?? Geez.. I better think of a new giveaway prize
you are the genius of anti-spamming emails.
You should probably get ready for the spammiet spam ever to hit your spam box. Because I’m going to send it.
While my inbox hasn’t been full of bullshit, my comments on my blog sure have. I get about 36 fucking sex drug comments a day. I’ve begun to see them so often that I’m seriously wondering if my penis really is big enough.
Gah, I get religious stuff all the time that end with “You can forward jokes and funny stories…why not forward this message from the Messiah? Are you ashamed?” Seriously, the guilt isn’t creeping up on me.
In other news…
READ MY BLOG AND SUBSCRIBE TO MY YOUTUBE!!
Sheesh you could have just asked me to stop emailing you. You didn’t have to out me to everyone in the blogosphere. Gah. I am totally embarrassed now.
Now if you don’t reply to this comment and send it to 10 people within 2.3 seconds, your hair will frizz and you will be sentenced to an eternity in hell and a life long bad luck and heartburn. Your childrens childrens childrens childrens childrens childrens children will have bad luck. And then they will all spend an eternity in hell. With nothing but Taco Bell sporks and soup. And heartburn. And burnt popcorn.
My dear grandmother sends me prayer e-mails every. single. day. that I must forward to nine of my friends (why is it always nine?? Is that God’s favorite number?) in order to be “blessed” or to show that I believe. Apparently, if I don’t forward them, I’m not a true Christian and I’m damned to Hell for all eternity. Believe me, oh God E-Mail Chain Starter, there are farrrr better reasons that I’ll be damned to hell than not hitting ‘forward’!!
My grandmother sends me all sorts of crazy emails about how the liberals are going to get us all and eat our brains. And about how Jesus needs to be back in the hearts of the American people. Luckily, the emails are usually pretty ridiculous and hilarious.