Thinking Is Hard, But Not As Hard As Jesus’s Invisible Magic Penis
Dearest People Who Read This,
My brain hurts, so I’m going to do something a little different today. I’m going to share lots of random thoughts. None of which are related. Well, they are related in the sense that they originated in my brain parts, but that’s it. Essentially, I’m too lazy to work any smooth transitions into this post. My blogging skills are pretty much unmatched.
Random Thought #1
Today I walked into a public restroom that smelled just like peppermint and cupcakes. It was like this bathroom had once been a bakery. What made it smell this way? Its an olfactory mystery. I found it very disconcerting.
Random Thought #2
Hustler Magazine pays like $1000.00 for stories about kinky sexual sub-cultures. This information both depresses and inspires me.
Random Thought #3
If I were a hamster I would be so pissed. Its like your only choice is to live in a glass cage, among your own feces, with a goddamn wheel. Until your 6 year old owner decides to “hug” you, which really means “squeeze you until your insides rupture.” Like there are no wild hamsters. If you are a hamster you’re only option is to toil away in an aquarium, abused and eventually murdered by a child.
Random Thought #4
I would murder a homeless guy for some Fudgie The Whale Cake right now. Like gunned down in the street for sea mammal ice cream cake.
Random Thought #5
I would sleep with Jason Bateman before George Clooney. And Stone Philips before Jason Bateman. And the corpse of Stalin before anyone on the Jersey Shore. Oh, and Ben before everyone. Except for Jesus. Because I’m a Christian for Christ’s sake.
Random Thought #6
The end.
Love,
Jill Pilgrim
I would sleep with Jason Bateman.
*I was also going to enter in some semi-gory comment about getting it on with “The Situation” and then going all female spider, eating his head thing afterwards…but I though that might be a bit awkward for a first time comment…*
Mmmmmmm, Jason Bateman. I just got an erection.
I have an erection too (because of all the Jesus). And I don’t even have a penis.
NOT EVEN VINNIE??
vinnie is cute. we are so fighting right now.
Random Thought #5 is made of WIN.
But only in a universe where WIN is spelled “Here’s your ticket to Hell.”
Now excuse me, as I’m off to work on my Hustler article submission.
This is where I hijack your blog and am all, “You read about the time the girl sitting next to me KILLED OUR CLASSS HAMSTER, RIGHT!” (http://justatitch.com/life-with-titch/crazy-eyes-killah/) It was nuts.
As far as the olfactory mystery, hot damn, why can’t ALL bathrooms smell like peppermint and cupcakes instead of feces thinly masked by citrus?
Now here is the question…
Would you sleep with someone from the Jersey Shore for some Fudgie the Whale Cake?? Yea, I just lost my appetite too.
Love you honey
I wish all bathrooms smelled like cupcakes and peppermint.
Oh man! Totally right about hamsters.
My 7-year old niece has a hamster and she tries to get him to roll on the floor in his plastic ball.
And to get him started she usually gives him “a little push”. As in spins it just the right amount to probably make the poor hamster feel like he’s just been to a frat party where drinking barrels of beer was involved.
There really arent wild hamsters are there…. hm
I’ve been to a restroom that had seafood market smell…lucky you!
xo
stone philips is pretty darn hot. but ben is hotter.
Are you saying the situation could not seduce you? Me no understand. MUAH!
I once walked into a bathroom that smelled like coffee – and it wasn’t in coffee shop..WTF?
Cookie Puss trumps Fudgie the Whale.
If only for the opportunity to hear your mother-in-law call up Carvel and say ‘I’d like to order the pussy cake.’
True story.
Best. Birthday. Ever.
I’d like to order the pussy cake. And, I’m somebody’s mother as well.
Jeresy Shore kidz make being young look way skievy-er than I remember.
STONE PHILLIPS!!!!! Ahh what about Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator? I want to anger bang him.
LOVE YOU KISSES!!
I would sleep with Jason Bateman before Jesus. AND B before Jason Bateman… I suppose.
Does that make me a really, really bad Christian?
Whatevs. I’ll just bone Jesus right when I die and then it’ll all even out.
That’s what you meant, right?
hmmm. i find the guys on jersey shore frakking REVOLTING.
and i drove by a new nail salon this morning that used to be a pet store. somehow methinks the pet smell must still linger. i am certain of it.
p.s. stone phillips. BARF. i am going to let you have that one. i’ll take bateman or clooney. but the one i really want is from flight of the conchords. hmmm. yes.
I would do unforgivable things for ice cream cake. Unforgivable.
The bakery smell in the bathroom is a little unnerving ….I think I’d be too uncomfortable to do my toilet business.
And yes, hamster lives suck. Free The Hamsters!!!!!!!!
My kid once slam dunked a guinea pig. Sorry.
Jesus has an impressive penis size. But it’s actually located on the bottom of his crucifix. I know this because I own(ed) a Jackhammer Jesus. Hopefully you remember this horrific story and how now an 10 year old owns it.