The Voices In My Head Hate Self-Tanning
I just now had an epiphany. An epiphany so large that I had to share it with the Internet right away.
I AM A FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.
Tonight, as I was going through my nightly ritual of blog reading (aka fulfilling my voyeuristic tendencies) while mentally reviewing my day (aka obsessing), it occurred to me that I’ve crossed over from delightful eccentric to FUCKING CRAZY PERSON.
What clued me in to this transformation, you ask? Well let me paint a picture for you:
I am sitting on my couch, going through my Google reader, eating a 100 calorie pack of popcorn. It suddenly occurs to me that I have never eaten this particular brand of popcorn before. Though this would not alarm those of you who still have your strangle hold on sanity, I am alarmed. I think of the statistical odds of a sudden adult onset allergy to whatever synthetic butter product is on the popcorn. I start to panic, so I do the logical thing and go outside, figuring if I pass out I have a better chance of being noticed and thereby saved if I’m out in the open as opposed to alone in my apartment.
After a few minutes outside I start to laugh at my own craziness and go back inside. Where I continue laughing. Alone. Causing my dog distress and confusion.
I stop laughing and return to my blog reading. As I’m reading, I start to think of the millions of things I have to get done this week. I take out my voice recorder and start to record my to-do list (this is a story in and off itself, the whole voice recorder thing. we’ll table that for another day).
Imagine now, my surprise, when I go to listen to my to-do list before going to bed (also part of my OCD nightly ritual) and it sounds like this:
1. Get paper towels
2. Drop off laundry
3. Boring work stuff
4. Jesus fucking Christ Coco, why do these people tan so much? They look ridiculous. (yells at the tv) You look ridiculous! Its like the strangest sub-culture ever, like I understand cannibals more than I understand these people. And why are all the men hairless? How do you wake up one day and think, “I really need to be hairless. And more orange. And I should see how many times I can say vibin’ in the next 5 minute period.”
5. Book physical therapy appointment.
And so it occurred to me that in one single evening I had:
A) Imagined a fictious, but deadly allergy
B) Taken steps to ensure my lifeless body was quickly discovered when I died from said allergy
C) Frightened my dog with hysterical laughter
D) Accidentally tape recorded myself talking to my dog about reality tv
Just wanted to share.
i just want to hug you sometimes. hard.
So are you saying you won’t love me as much when you find out I look like snookers?
I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
Your poor dog.
I watch JS this evening and immediately douched with bleach.
*scratches “hairless” and “orange tinge” off lists of things to do. Relegates the word “vibin” to recreational use only.
I would love to listen to this tape recorder, any chance you’ll upload it?:D
And I think orange people are ridiculous, especially if they have platinum blond hair. I think either porn stars or play mates or cheetos.
Your “dog” might need help as well. He seems to be suffering from an owner induced identity crisis, since according to your drawing, he is obviously a CAT, and has been conditioned by you to think he’s a dog.
I’m with Rae, I just wanna hug you sometimes, but I don’t know you and that would be weird and I really don’t like touching people I DO know, so yeah….anyway..I carry on long conversations with my dog and have been medically cleared of any and all psychosis. Talking to the dog don’t make you crazy – the dog talking back, that makes you crazy!
If you’re crazy, then I’m crazy. Because you just summarized my nights. Except I talk to a cat named Clancy who I call fluffy-butt. Yep, I may be a tad bit crazier.
Whatever, you’re just verbalizing (and writing) the thoughts that go through everyone’s heads.
…
What do you mean other people don’t yell at the tv?
At least you weren’t talking to the voices in your head. Talking to the dog is totally sane!
Maybe it’s not you that is crazy. Maybe you’ve just watched enough shitty television that you’ve kind of…addled your mind.
We need to talk about the voice recorder thing. I’m not sure if I support that. Unless you post a collection of your favourite voice messages podcast style.
Jill,
Hate to break this to ya, but I think we could have let you know you were nuts WAY before you decided to eat popcorn.
The more you know.
What kind of popcorn was it?
The only logical explanation to this is that you were watching Jersey Shore and that makes everyone who views it go mad. They are as orange as Oompa Loompas but not nearly as cute.
i sometimes call my cell phone and leave myself hilarious messages that don’t seem so hilarious upon further review. ps i think coco might have turned into a vampire, so… watch out for that. unless you *want* to be a vampire, then you should probably just smear blood on you neck.
Hey somethings, like creepy hairless orange dudes, really need to be addressed right then and there, voice recorder be damned.
If you didn’t express your disdain for that kind of behavior immediately Coco might have grown up thinking it was acceptable and before you know it you have an orange dog running around pumping her paw.
hahaha! well if you’re crazy, than you are clearly the most logical crazy person ever and that HAS to count for something.
OH MY GOD, WE ARE THE SAME PERSON. Especially that popcorn thing and being afraid that no one would find my body thing. And the talking to pets thing. And the to do list thing but I don’t record myself because I keep forgetting to buy a recorder. So basically everything. Wow. I feel totally weird right now. And people really do need to stop tanning so much. Melanoma spreads because of them!
Don’t worry Jill. You’re not crazy. I talk to my dog and cause him distress by randomly laughing hysterically almost daily.
Either that, or I’m as crazy as you are.
Honey, I dont get it… we dont have a dog…. OH my GOD! Someone get the straight jacket!
Love,
Your Husband
All of my fictional allergies are deadly.
I’d say “welcome to my world”, but I already know you’ve been here for a while.
I totally agree that you should post your recordings.
Oh my god. This is the most completely wonderful blog post I have read all day. (We will ignore the fact that it is 2am and thus I have only read, oh, fifty or so blog posts so far today.)
LOL! Post those recordings!!!! And yes, people really need to moderate their use of fake tan if they really insist on using it!
Oh and just wondering if you could help me out with a new project ….good karma to you!
http://chicknamedhermia.wordpress.com/2010/01/06/the-giving-my-life-some-purpose-post/
Hmmmm..if talking to your dogs about reality tv is crazy then I’ll have to state for the record I’m crazy. Recording it though get’s you in the lead.
There is a little award for you over at my blog if you are so inclined to accept it!
If by crazy you mean crazy COOL!!!
I have come to the conclusion that there are, much like other species of animals on this earth that Jesus’s papi created, more than one breed of human. Trouble yourself not by trying to reconcile the orange, vibin breed with *ours?* which are non-orange and possesed of critical thinking skills.
Ex: great danes and toy poodles. different breed.
Leaving to buy voice recorder to tickle myself with. Have a great day!
Hahaha….I have never watched that show. I’m fine with thinking that the only strange, sub-culture of orange people consists of oompa loompas. Close enough, I guess.
I would really love to just listen to your voice recorder.
I dont know what to say. This blog is fantastic. Thats not really a really huge statement, but its all I could come up with after reading this.