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An Ode to J.D. Salinger

If I were independently wealthy I would totally be a recluse.  I think I would be awesome at it.  I would be able to dedicate all of my time to cleaning and developing my neurosis.  I realize that most people dream of a life where they could easily afford to travel all the time and enjoy nice restaurants, etc.  I like these things in theory, but not so much in practice.  For example, I always think I want to go to a nice new restaurant, but then Ben and I will sit down to order and I’ll start to calculate the odds that someone in that kitchen has neglected to properly wash their hands, or has coughed near the food, or secretly harbors a desire to kill me and has thus poisoned my food.  Every meal I enjoy without dying just increases the odds that the next meal will be the one that finally does me in.  Thinking like this is highly indicative of a successful future as a recluse.

As such I have been working on a plan to become wealthy enough to buy a large estate with extensive grounds that include a hedge maze.  (Side note:  Is it weird that my dream home is largely based on Kubrick’s interpretation of the hotel in The Shining?)  This brings me to my big reveal:  Internet, I have decided to start my own business.  A prostitution ring/child care service.  My thinking is that there are lots of single moms and dads out there who are in need of physical love and a babysitter.  These parents on the go don’t have time for things like “dating” or “interviewing quality daycare providers.”  So, here’s a solution!  A sexy man or woman shows up at your house in the morning, he or she provides some dirty adult services of your choosing, then you go to work and the sexy man or lady provides some clean child services of your choosing.  The hourly prices are a little more than you might normally pay for a good hooker, but still less than you would pay for a highly qualified nanny.

If you are interested in an employment opportunity, please email me with your qualifications, including sex acts performed and maximum number of children you’ll mind at one time.  If you are interested in becoming a customer of Totally Legitimate Babysitting Services , please email me and I’ll send you some more detailed information.  If you are interested in turning this into a cheeky sitcom with a title like Debbie Does Daycare or Spunky Screwya (these may actually be better porn titles, I tend to work a little blue), please send me money.

Holden Caulfield.

January 31st, 2010 | Tags: , , , | Category: things to do | Comments are closed
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