Things At Which I Am Horrible, Part II
I may have mentioned here before that I’m someone who enjoys solitude on occasion. In keeping with that particular personality trait, I sometimes suck as a friend. I am notoriously difficult to get in touch with: I rarely keep my phone on, I don’t have a Facebook account, I check my personal email every couple of days. Ben is the only person whose calls I always answer. There is a running joke with my friends regarding my voicemail. I only answer my phone about 40% of the time and I never check my messages, as a result my mailbox is almost always full. You could confess to murder on my voicemail and no one would know, this is how committed I am to not listening to my voicemail.
This is not because I don’t love my friends deeply, this is just the way Jesus made me, and who am I to question Jesus? My friends, however, collectively hate Jesus and refuse to accept this reasoning and as a result I end up apologizing. A lot. My stock apology is as follows:
I am so sorry (insert name). I love and care about you, I’ve just been busy this last week which is why I missed your call regarding the tragic death of your family pet. I have a lot of mental issues that require large chunks of time spent alone analyzing small and insignificant portions of my day and it doesn’t always leave time for checking my voicemail. You look really pretty today though, have I mentioned that? Because you do, it really can’t be overstated how pretty you look. You should probably take your top off.
By the end of the apology my friend is frightened and disoriented, and accepts my apology simply because she’s now desperate to exit this situation. The compliments and sexual come on work to take the focus away from the initial incident that made said friend angry, and put the focus on the current situation that is making said friend uncomfortable. Its kind of my signature move.
This brings me to my next point. I am also horrible at commenting on the blogs that I read. Again, this is not because I don’t adore those blogs, its because I AM NOT INTERESTING. I put that in all caps because I thought it added some interest to the fact that I’m not interesting. I used to be awesome at blog comments, meaning that if I read it, I commented. Now, I am awful. I read a billion blogs every.single.day. and comment maybe once a month. As a blogger I feel shitty about this. As the kind of person who is too lazy to check her voicemail, I’ve accepted it. Even when I used to comment, my comments were awful. I require a lot of time to come up with offensive witticisms. Case in point, it just took me about 20 minutes to think of the word witticism. So, to everyone in my blogroll, an apology:
I am so sorry (insert name). I love and care about you, I’ve just been busy reading your blog last week, which is why I ran out of the time required to think of a comment. I have a lot of mental issues that require large chunks of time spent alone analyzing every little thing I say on your blog. It is paralysis, by analysis. You understand, don’t you? You look really pretty today though, have I mentioned that? Because you do, it really can’t be overstated how pretty you look. You should probably take your top off.
And now onto the last item today on my List of Things at Which I Am Horrible: You know that saying, What’s good for the gander is good for the goose? I hate that saying. Because, see, even though I don’t always answer Mary’s calls, my feelings get hurt when she doesn’t answer mine. And you know how I am awful at commenting? I get insecure when my posts don’t get comments.
In conclusion, something something something.*
*I’m also horrible at coming up with tidy endings for my posts.
I am suddenly possessed with an overwhelming desire to take my top off…
Woah, Hope and I are totally taking our tops off right now
I will so take off my top, my pants and whatever else you’d like. Even if you just leave me a comment that says, “I read this” I would think you were fascinating and awesome because you are. My love for you is inappropriate.
I am totally exactly like you on the first point.
But not the second, because my self-centeredness hasn’t reached your zenith-like level yet.
Plus, I’m a guy, so I never wear a top.
I do not check my voicemail. This is a known and accepted fact about me.
I consider it a higher state of being.
My favorite part about this?
You don’t actually have a blogroll.
I cannot put into words how pissed my sister was she didn’t get to meet you. So, in other words, I will continue to stalk you on her behalf until we can finally be reunited and take our tops off together one day.
(What?)
So, is it weird that I took my top off the moment I read your voicemail apology? My boyfriend is in Vegas until Thursday, which means I’ve had no action for two days, so I got really excited when the prospect of action with you came up.
The purpose of this comment is to be that one extra comment on this post that makes you feel that much less insecure.
Did it work?
Whatever just post and make my day already. Also pfft…voicemail. I get my teenager to check it. She’s all outraged, like I’m bad person or something…I’m like, hey, if it’s important they’ll find me, trust that.
Also, you first
My tops off…
Waiting for my phone call…
AWKWARD.
you know what’s so weird? MY TOP WAS ALREADY OFF! bonus points. it’s like a sexy ghost story.
um, also. about voice mails… my mother calls me and leaves horrible voice messages like, “hi, it’s your mother. call me.” and i’m all like what the fuck, man? so i let them get all piled up, that’ll show her! fourteen is the extent of messages it took to fill up my voice mail from various people. then? then i had a panic attack that what if chuck called because he was in a car accident and i couldn’t get my phone and he didn’t get to leave a voice message because it was full and then…. i would never hear his voice again. yeah. now they stay deleted. bastards.
I suck at commenting too…. yeah, that’s all i got
i may not always comment, but i always check out what you’ve got to say!
I’m good at tidy endings for my posts..but not good with tidy endings for my comments.
Sometimes I just like to get one going and
I can definitely understand. I absolutely refuse to comment unless I have something meaningful to add. I’m not going to be one of those people that comment redunkulous shit like, “I liked this
LOLZ!”
Pretty soon we’re all going to be naked together. And wouldn’t that be awkward (awesome)? It’ll be like Girls Gone Wild in this joint!
It’s funny, because you say basically exactly what I am thinking.
Most people think I am a horrible person because I too HATE answering my phone. I keep it on, I just don’t answer. Yah, super awesome.
But I like to be by myself. Sue me.
I want to be you.
I HATE HATE HATE answering my phone.
Text me and we can have a conversation. Call me? I’ll let it go to voicemail. The only exception? My mom. ……Usually.
Lol, so that means you secretly read my blog but just don’t comment? *fist pump* YES!
Oh and apparently you are just like my dad – he refuses to check voicemails.
jill – #1 – you’re blog is awesome.
#2 – was looking at some older posts…have you heard of pyroluria or pyrrole disorder?
http://www.drkaslow.com/html/pyroluria.html
just concerned about anyone dealing with the crazies because i deal with the crazies myself.
#3 – what’s with the jesus stuff? i’m confused….
I’m sitting at my desk shivering now, what with no top on. Now what?
I’ll go with you on the top, but I’m putting my oversweater back on, cause it’s freezing in here.
I don’t know if I’m much good at blogging not minding commenting! I hate checking my voice mails! It hardly ever has anything in it except of adds anyways
… I’m not sure about you but I’m genuinely horrible at coming up with tidy endings for my posts!
I rarely answer my phone or check my voicemail, and am really bad at replying to texts and emails. BUT . . . I am not bad at commenting on blogs or updating my status on facebook. Which ia weird.
Oh and I’m not taking my top off. it’s too cold…
I’m really bad at answering my phone and emails and everything too. I have a blackberry for fuck’s sake and keep it with me all the time and still, I just tend to ignore the little voice mail icon.
i love talking on the phone when i haven’t talked to someone in quite awhile — with the exception of my mom and my bff — those 2 i always have something to talk about with (wow. how gramatically incorrect was THAT sentence?). anywhosits. um, oh yeah. i’m a big fan of texting if we just need to make plans to go do something. totes.
as you can see, my comments are rarely intelligent.