The Better To Make Porn With, My Dear
A surprising number of people are into freaky pilgrim on ninja porn. And Ben and I are happy to oblige, however there is a minor issue. My camera is awful. Like it is the worst camera ever. After months of trying to get it to focus and take photos, it continues to mock me. But its reign of terror will soon be over. And the the era of porn making will begin.
The latest incident of camera malfunction happened this past weekend at my aunt’s wedding. Um, how do I say this delicately? It was… um… an abortion. The wedding, not the camera. Well, the camera a little bit, but nothing compared to the wedding.
First off, it was a Greek Orthodox ceremony. In Greek. Which I do not understand. And which no one else in the wedding, including the groom, speaks. It was pretty awkward. Also? My aunt decided to make the 4 year old flower girl stand at the top of the aisle with me. Totally cute, right? Except the ceremony is 10,000 hours long, and this little girl had a .000001 second attention span. This meant that every 45 seconds or so, she turned to me and said loudly, “Is this the end?” “Is this the very end?” “Is it the end yet?” “Is it over?” “Is it over now?”
Finally I told her that she had to be quiet because she was making Jesus angry. I’m kind of awesome with kids. Except it backfired when she the said, even more loudly than before, “Is Jesus a ghost?” “Is that man (points to random painting) Jesus?” “Is that man (another random painting) Jesus?” “Does God live here?” “The old lady said you can’t go outside alone because there are drugs outside.”
About half way through her stream of consciousness diatribe on religion and drug use, I decided we were soul mates. And I should probably kidnap her and make her say cute and unintentionally hilarious things all day. Luckily for her, I remembered how much I value my sleep and decided to let her continue living with her parents.
After the ceremony, my aunt’s new husband told Ev to call him dad. Evan’s face looked a little like this:
Then it was time for the reception. Oh, the reception! I can’t do it justice with mere words, but I’ll try. Where to start? Um, my father was a gigantic ass, as was expected. The real treat came when my aunt’s new husband came up to me during dinner, and said, “That’s a big piece of meat for such a little girl. Can you handle it?” Seriously. He said that to me. At his own wedding. To my aunt. It was pretty much the classiest thing I’ve ever seen and/or experienced. But this was nothing compared to the center ring event, when the groom and one of the guests got into a screaming match. I believe the word “douchebag” was used pretty liberally. As was the phrase, “don’t fuck with me.” Then there were tears. Honest to God tears. This, my friends, is why you don’t do 4 shots of Ouzo before your own wedding. And also, why you don’t take another 27,804 additional shots at your wedding reception. It doesn’t end well. Little bit of wisdom from me to you.
And now back to my original point, which was that I am in desperate need of a new camera. Any suggestions? Nothing too complicated, I’m barely smart enough to draw stick figures, so keep that in mind when making a recommendation.
In closing, here are some awesome pictures taken with my awesome camera at the awesome wedding:
You did an awesome job not laughing during the wedding while the little girls ran in circles around you and threw their flowers all over the place! Weddings are great!
You were right that dress was worth it all. I’m a jealous ginger that you got to wear that delicious shade of green
I usually get stuck in peach. or pink. bleah.
I’m going to be honest. I follow your posts because it makes me feel better about my family. I feel less “special” or “different.” Thank you.
Times like these are why I avoid family functions.
Weddings are like Disney.
Hell, but with less rides.
I love the dresses! As for the new camera, I can’t help ya. I really dug my last Nikon Coolpix, but then I broke it and got the newer version of it…and am not a fan. So, let me know what you find, I may be in the market as well!
Too bad you couldn’t video tape this debacle and put it on YouTube, it would be the next viral wedding sensation.
P.S. you look good in green.
You mean I shouldn’t do 27,804 shots at my wedding reception? There goes my plan for dealing with my MIL!
Also, I’ve always been a fan of the Canon Digital Elphs.
Wait, you mean you have had family interactions that DON’T include liberal usage of the phrases “don’t fuck with me” and “douchebag”? I thought they were required at all family gatherings.
The dress looks lovely, and the flower girl sounds hilarious…as long as she can be sent home with someone else.
My husband’s family is Russian Orthodox so I sorta know your pain. For our wedding they forced us to do this bizarre ceremony involving stale bread, a creepy prayer and some rancid “wine.” My photos from that day speak volumes about my opinion on being forced to partake.
We have a Canon PowerShot something or other…I like it. It gets a little confusing at times when I push a random button and suddenly I’m taking “night shots” during the daytime, but for the most part, it’s very user-friendly.
And I love the single pilgrim in the background of the shot I now like to call “Butt Attacking the Children.” The one by the cheese pile? He looks somehow absolutely perfect with his pilgrim head, that I wonder if it looks more normal than the real head would look. Hm.
Oh my god. The meat. That cannot be real.
I have no clue on the camera recommendation. I usually buy whatever is less than $200 and has the highest mega pixels. I know. I’m a rocket scientist. So freaking smart!
Lol @ the meat. Was he drunk? Totally awkward.
You look beautiful though
The dresses are really cute.
God I love weddings.
On the bright side, you were given a pretty awesome dress in a colour that actually suited you! It’s pretty miraculous!
And I agree that that’s probably an angel …..or the ghost of Stalin …..or a ghost that was one of those annoying people who jumped in other people’s photos when he/she was alive ….or a really awesome ninja ….
OH god, your funny. I bet you heard that one before. Gotta love the kid.
One day, she will learn.
The world is not a lovely lovely place.
That’s why we all go outside. Because there are drugs out there.
xo
I just have to say *again* that I hate your spam protection being about math… cause I suck and always fuck it up.
How much do you want to spend on a camera? I will give you the best one! Promise!
Ps. always go with Canon or Nikon. always
pps. or is it pss? pps sounds better cause i get to say pp and my inner 5 year old giggles. i forgot what my pps was going to say. shit. i’ll come back
oh… pps… (finally remembered)
that wedding totally sounds like my wedding. only the groom’s 12384190238 shots?…that was the bride at my wedding (thats me btw) and so yeah… i think I have mentioned before that that day was a complete drunken debacle. So yeah that brings me back. Good times.
*sigh*
jesus christ could i say “so yeah” ONE more time in a comment? probably not. so yeah i suck.
Booya! Yay!
Cass 1 Pilgrim 0
woot!
I know what you are thinking right now. “cass is AWESOME” *nod*
Ever since the Greek festival last summer, I’ve been avoiding ouzo like the plague.
Also, I have a Canon PowerShot SD1100 IS, and I love it. With holiday sales coming up, you could probably find a great deal on it. Glad you survived the wedding!
UM ICK. I cannot believe your “uncle” said that to you. Gross. If you’re looking for a point and shoot, I really like my Canon Powershot SD780 IS!
Im not going to say what everyone else has already said, but I do want to comment on your knowledge of the topic. Youre truly well-informed. I cant believe how much of this I just wasnt aware of. Thank you for bringing more information to this topic for me. Im truly grateful and really impressed.
Posts like this are a seriously perfect way to assist me in English, but I think I got the understanding, Thank you again