I Am Strictly Against Underage Stripping. For Elves.
I hate Christmas. For many reasons, some of which I will outline for you here:
1.) I do not like events that require “family time.” I feel this is self-explanatory, but in case its not, I’ll elaborate: My family is crazy and holidays generally descend into arguing about topics ranging from income taxes to various family member’s alcohol problems. In my family, being festive is a euphemism for screaming obscenities.
2.) I am cheap. I plan to die with my money buried around me. Like a fortress. To protect me from grave robbers. And also to bribe Jesus into reincarnating me as a dog. Who can talk. None of these dreams can come true if I’m spending all of my money on Christmas presents.
3.) I actually think I covered everything. But it seems weird to stop at two, so pretend I have a third reason. Like maybe I find candy canes obscene, as they remind me of stripper poles. For underage elves.
Keeping these things in mind, the way I spent my weekend was fairly strange. Yesterday, Ben and I, along with some friends (adorable couple previously pictured here) went to a tree lighting/Christmas concert in Portsmouth. And it was actually not totally hateful. Here’s a picture of Ben and me being filled with the Christmas spirit.
Notice how that picture is both very attractive and not at all blurry? That’s because I took your collective advice and got a Cannon Elph. Here’s another awesome photo I took with aforementioned camera.
Pretty fucking impressive, right?! I thought so too. Big improvement. And yes, that is snow you see! We got our first real snow last night. And it totally freaked Coco out. For your enjoyment, a short video of Coco Muffin Pilgrim’s first outing in the snow (brief cameo by Jill Pilgrim). Enjoy.
P.S. Yes, that is a shitload (technical term) of hay that you see in the video. I live in the middle of nowhere. Also, is it sad that I get so excited about my dog finally going to the bathroom? I didn’t think so.
I had the urge to reach into the comuter and pinch Coco’s butt
That picture should totally be your Christmas card.
We got our first snow fall this weekend and we took our cat out and threw him in it. He was not a fan.
I agree that picture should be your xmas card. Hot.
Gorgeous pic. And awww, my first digital camera was a Canon Elph. Good little guy.
Snow! LOVE snow.
I hate xmas because people who are assholes for 11 months a year think they can redeem themselves with a few songs and a fucking Yankee candle. NOT THE CASE.
I highly dislike the holidays. Which is both a new and disturbing fact. Because when I was a kid? LOVED IT. LOVED IT ALL. And apparently I hit the age of 24 and I was like “Boo. Hiss. Family. Presents.” I basically agree with both of your reasons and have nothing to add. Except that I’m broke, so it’s not about keeping the money as much as it’s about not having any.
Sigh. Pity Party.
Nice list and dog. And hay.
I hate the holidays. Ugh.
In other news, I’m going to steal your dog.
Also? I miss you.
Our dog saw her first snow this weekend, too.
I figured it would stop her from digging giant craters in our yard.
It did not.
Instead of coming in the house with dirty paws, she came into the house with muddy-icy-snow-covered paws of doom.
Yes, I felt hyphenation was completely appropriate there.
That photo is mindblowingly attractive!
And yeah I kinda hate the family part of Christmas this year ….I’m dreading having to stay with the parentals on Christmas Day ….thankfully my new kittens are a great excuse to leave early!
Those really are stellar photos. Also, where can I get that brand of Christmas spirit? It looks like it would be useful in muddling through my family’s attempts to pretend we don’t all hate each other this season.
look at the coco! i love that whole running in declaration of being a good girl. cutest thing ever! my dogs totally ate snow their first time as well. and bulldozed it and then pottied all over it… finally! yayee! for potty times!
my dogs also barked and whined at you when you dared call another dog a good girl. it was awesome. and i laughed.
Very nice pictures!
Btw, I recommended your blog on my own today! http://www.hoperoth.com/blog/?p=1743
it *is* exciting when your dog goes to the bathroom if you are freezing your own butt off waiting for some excretement to come out of your pet’s body. there is no bigger waste of time than waiting for your dog to do business. and then, dear god, you have to *praise* them!!! so embarassing when other people walk by.
I just took Coco out for a walk (really Coco took me for a walk, it is the only time of day I’m un-chained from the radiator). She was freakin out at the blanket of white stuff all over the place and kept sticking her nose in it. I think Coco is turning into an addict, and if I see her walking around with a razor blade and a mirror then we will have an intervention.
I cannot WAIT until you get my Christmas Card.
Can. Not. WAIT.
I love that you gave Coco privacy when she starts deucing. Very polite of you. And she is so cute!
I think you secretly love the holidays and that is why you bought a Canon Elph. Elph = Elf = Christmas = Holiday LOVER!
Makes total sense.
I hate xmas because of all the stupid lame music on the radio. If I hear another country singer trying to sing a classic I’m gonna turn off the radio. forever. or something.
hahhahaha i love your dog!!! and love your reasons for hating christmas.
<3
Right now I hate you. Since you got snow. And I have… cold wet nasty rain. Goo. Ugh. I hate the south. *pout*
Coco is AWESOME! What kind of dog is she?
And your holiday hatred reasons were stupendous!
PS… GODDAMN MATH QUIZ! I am so not passing this class.
Is Coco Muffin a Boston Terrier? I love their little snorty noses.
I bet you have all sorts of wonderful nicknames for C.M.P. I love hearing what kinds of weird shit people call their dogs. Me? I call my dog Luke a variety of embarrassing monikers. Schmoofus, Floofy, Floof, Lukey Boy, Poofus, Poofy. He HATES it when I call him Poofy in front of his friends.
Congrats on the hew cam! I can see your pretty pink tongues perfectly!
Coco is the cutest puppy ever!!
endearing post. the husband’s comment just added to it!
Perhaps the funniest thing I’ve read in some time. I hate Christmas too. But am all for underage elf stripping.
People deserve wealthy life and home loans or term loan would make it better. Just because people’s freedom is grounded on money state.