If Only I Were A Polar Bear
Up until now there have been only two subjects that I considered off limits in this blog.
1. My job.
This is purely practical. I have no interest in being dooce’d. I work in a conservative field, for a conservative company, in a very buttoned-up position. Also, my job is not terribly interesting. I’m not a ninja. Or a polar bear. Or a sex worker. So, you know, not a lot of material there.
2. My family
I’m not even sure I ever made a conscious decision to not discuss my family, it just sort of happened (or rather didn’t) naturally. I don’t really discuss my family in real life (barring my therapy sessions), so I never felt the need to discuss it on the Internet. Except that one time when I posted about vagina math and gave them all pilgrim heads. Well, fuck that Internet, lets get intimate and talk about family! More specifically, my family. Though, I’d love to hear about your family too. We have a reciprocal relationship, you and I.
A little background:
I have two brothers, Chris (real name) and Tom (not real name). I am very close with one of them (guess who!) and I do not speak to the other. Um, it’s complicated. My brother Tom has a serious drug problem. And he has a personality disorder. Huh… guess it’s not that complicated after all.
My brother Chris is the bee’s knees. We’ve always been really close. He’s by far the most normal person in the family. If you’ve been reading me for a while, you may remember him from this & this.
I have two parents (shocking, I know), both alive, still married. I have a complicated, but loving relationship with my mom. Its terribly Oprah. My father and I are not currently speaking. We’ve been estranged, off and on, since I left for college almost ten years ago. Both of my parents are kind of insane, which I’m sure is not surprising considering they raised someone who twitters as Very_Real_Jesus. In the interest of full disclosure, I will say that my parents are not haha/fun crazy. My father spent some time in an inpatient psychiatric program in his younger days. My mother was hospitalized for depression/suicidal behavior a few months ago. I totally come by my own craziness naturally. As a matter of fact, on the Pilgrim Scale of Crazy, I am actually completely sane. By the Pilgrim Family Standard, I am totally well adjusted. Scary, right?
In addition to my immediate family, I have an aunt (mother’s sister), Irene, who I am very close with. Growing up, I kind of wanted to be her. She seemed so, um, stable? Or something. My aunt has a daughter, Evan, who is my best friend. If you’ve been reading for a really long time, you may remember that this site was originally started by both me and Ev. Here is her post about frozen penises for your enjoyment. Just because.
So, why the fuck am I telling you all of this? Um, mainly because I want to bitch about this wedding I’m in next weekend and I thought you needed some back story to fully appreciate my bitching. That’s a totally valid reason for airing all of my family dysfunction on the Internet, right?
My aunt is getting married next weekend. Ev and I are her bridesmaids. My mom is giving her away. Cute, huh? Yes, its all terribly adorable and happy and all that bullshit. There is, however, one major issue. Two issues, really. My father? My brother, Tom? They are both totally going to be there. As for my brother, Chris? That bitch totally bailed on me and is not coming. And if I didn’t adore my aunt/cousin/mom so much I would join him. Damn you, familial love and obligation!
See, my dad and Tom? Both very, very, VERY confrontational people. I’m bracing myself for the inevitable awkwardness, which will be followed by passive aggressive goading, which will end in yelling. And maybe crying. Here’s a flowchart to illustrate the likely chain of events:
The upside is that I get to wear a not-totally-hideous dress. And there will be cake. And this will give me some fresh material for therapy. And it will probably make for an interesting blog post. Also, there will be cake.
I am SO pissed! You tricked me into going because your brother Chris would be there! Well, I hope you are prepared for retaliation… a.k.a. Super-Drunk-Ben singing karaoke at your Aunt’s wedding. Now taking song requests!
I can so relate to this, well not the aunt getting married part but the having two brothers- one whom I adore and the other who not so much. Oh and the crazy father that I don’t talk to. Yep check on that one too. My dad doesn’t even know I’m engaged for the pure reason that he would insist on coming to his only daughter’s wedding and making everyone else there uncomfortable.
Good luck!
“Also, my job is not terribly interesting. I’m not a ninja. Or a polar bear. Or a sex worker. So, you know, not a lot of material there.”
That’s just what a ninja would say.
Ugh, weddings are hard!
I feel ya – in planning mine issues are coming up that I didn’t even know were there! And I have issues in the fam too, unfortunately/fortunately there not as diagnosed as yours, but I think we prob share some disorders, fam members included. A part of me is dreading my own big day already. But for you – I’m happy that your dress isn’t too bad, and I recommend lots of alcohol!
Can’t wait to hear how it goes
Sounds like a fun time.
Compared to the Holocaust.
I love cake. Probably too much.
Cake is, however, good therapy. Mmmm…begin with the cake therapy.
I’m sorry. Where was I? Right. Your messed-up family.
Well…has either of your brothers spent time in prison? No? Well, I guess I’ve got one leg up on you, Jill Pilgrim. Well, figuratively. Literally would be kind of gross. Unless I really had to pee, and then I’d totally beg your forgiveness. Bladder infections and all.
Isn’t family fun?? My BF, who is uber-tight with his fam, doesn’t quite get how I can say things like “Omg, 2 days is PLENTY to be with my family for Thanksgiving…” Silly man.
Oh wow I’m sorry dear. I can’t imagine actually be that angry or avoding my direct family members. Sure sometimes we fight and stuf but never actually end up with hate or no speaking terms.
But you made the right decision to be there for your aunt. It’ll mean a lot to her. Just eat cake or sweets to cheer yourself up and stay close to your best friend.
Hey!!! I’ve missed reading your blog so much over the last month, but thankfully I have internet again so I’m back in the blogosphere!!!!!
It sounds like you should wear military protective gear or something to that wedding! I kinda get where you’re coming from though …I REALLY don’t get on with my dad, but am forced (emotional blackmail and guilt trips) to interact with him for my mum’s sake! The same applies to his dad (I refuse to refer to him as a grandpa cos he’s a hideous human being), so every family gathering causes me great stress and seething and anxiety!
Pfff families, eh?
Jil, I can so relate with your ‘fam-disorder’, but yours is more dramatic & juicier!…errr my mom is a Ninja & chopped my dad all the time with her acid-toungue. I guess mine is quite juicy afterall?!~ Great weekend darlin’
xo*
Awwwwww, sweets. I’m sorry that you’re not so much looking forward to it. I prescribe a bottle or two of bubbly to get you through the awkwardness and hopefully the men will behave!
Cake, xanax and your husband singing? Stop complaining bitch.
No. I’m sorry. Families are so HARD ugh. Pesky.
It saddens me to say that I derive great pleasure out of your misery. It’s because your drawings are so funny! Your blog always makes me happy!
I’d rather have pie than cake.
How come there are no wedding pies? Seems wrong.
You’re in tight with the bride, right? Tell her to have a wedding pie. Not the kind that the groom will be having that same night, the other kind that the guests can eat.
Ah…man. Tough spot to be in dudette, but I think it’s one of those ‘grin and bear it’ situations.
Alochol helps. I suggest settling down with bottle (or five) of bubbly in a dark corner of the room. And if you see either of them coming towards you…grab the hubby and go dance.
And I totally echo mooooog’s (I’m sure I missed an ‘o’) sentiments. When I get married, there will be pie.
Will there be an open bar? I hope for your sake that there is. Although would that just make your dad and bro drunk confrontational crazies? But if you were drunk too then maybe you could just call them names and make fun of them and tell them where to stick it. Although that is not nice to do at a wedding. Weddings should be all happy, sunny, unicorny and flowery.
Well, at least your dress isn’t hideous. And there’s cake. Yeah. Sorry.
Mmmm…Cake. I say get drunk and eat cake. I mean, that’s what I did at the last wedding I attended, and I even liked everyone there. Actually, I take part of that back. I did not eat cake. I was too busy drinking (and spilling) red wine. But, I did eat cake the next morning. It was delicious, I think, even though I still kind of felt like throwing up. Awww…alcohol.
We must have the same family….we are sisters!
Ugg…the DREAD of what could happen, based on empirical data from past situations, is the WORST! I hate that feeling. Jill Pilgrim, you are a better woman than I to handle this on top of what you just went through, I say don’t even let em get a chance to start, just come out full on agressive from the beginning, and go easy on the drinking. You should be strong and sober to deal with this, because if there is one thing that being around the severely inappropriate/disturbed is good for, its a feeling of superiority.
At least the dress is good!
These situations are always the ones I shoulder through- but at least once you encounter the Awkward the first time it’s not going to get any worse. I always try to have a little wine, a shored up sense of humor and my Party Conversation brushed up so I can effectively deflect people.
I’m so stocked up on defense mechanisms it’s a little silly.
I’m wishing you luck!!
Dude, I fuckin’ LOVE you. Like LOOOOOVE you. Sursly.
And how the hell did I not know you had a twitter?!?!! DUDE! I feel robbed. *sobs*
I expect an apology of flowers and candy. And cake. *grin*
Oh dear. Enjoy the cake and the not so hideous dress.
I should read this blog more often.
can i tell you how ridiculously glad i am again that you are back to blogging?
and dude, i can’t believe chris backed out on you! that wedding is going to be rough without him! but i love ben’s comment–that is CLASSIC!!!
first of all: funny. second of all. the thanksgiving dread has begun. family? sucks. but not all the time. and not all of the people. high five for cool brothers! *brother five!*
ps i wanna be a polar bear! but really, polar bears would not have good blog material. “today i ripped the head off a fish and ate the steaming entrails” is only scandalous the one time. now a ninja, sex working polar bear=gold! blog gold! which is blold. and i don’t really know how to pronounce that word because it’s just too awesome.
bah on families. my immediate family (me, mom, daddy-o) are all quite awesome. the rest of them are questionable from time to time.
don’t worry, they’d say the same about me.
and if they tell you they wouldn’t, they’re liars.
on top of their various and sundry other flaws.
ahem. anyfam.
i hope this all went well and everyone made it out alive.
especially you and ben.