I’m *this close* to procreating
Or maybe a more accurate title would be, I am *this close* to procreation. Other people’s procreation.
I have about 20 million pregnant friends at the moment. And about 10 million friends with new babies. And you know what? I love babies. I love their chubby cheeks and baby smell. I love their fuzzy heads and wide eyes. I also love baby clothes. And frankly, its become a bit of an issue. You know how when your friends are pregnant, you wait until the shower and buy them something off their registry? Well, what I do is go to the closest baby clothing store, have a stroke, and buy billions of dollars worth of baby clothes. Then Ben has a stroke when he sees the receipt. Needless to say, we’re both on a lot of blood thinners.
Tiny baby clothes? Are my crack. I go Whitney Houston all over Gymboree on a regular basis. Here is a brief synopsis of one of my more recent trips.
I walk into Gymboree. My eyes glaze over. I foam at the mouth. I begin to SQUEEEEE at a frequency only audible to other women.
Sales Associate: Can I help you find anything?
Me: No, I’m just going to purchase everything you have in the store. Do you take AmEx?
Sales Associate: Ma’am, are you okay? Your pupils seem to be fully dilated.
Me: Oh, that? Just a mild stroke. It happens whenever I am in presence of tiny shoes. No need to be alarmed. Do you work on commission? If so, I am about to pay for your child’s college education. Now, get me 20 of those tutus. In every color. All sizes through 2T. Do you happen to sell babies here too?
Sales Associate: Ma’am its illegal to sell children.
Me: Whatever, why don’t you make yourself useful and ring up that entire rack over there.
I leave with enough baby clothes to outfit an entire Nazi baby army.
Now that we have established that I love babies and am not actually an evil baby hating hag, allow me vent all over you. I HATE when people ask, “So, when are you and Ben going to have kids?” With our one year anniversary around the corner and with all of the Baby Gap bags I carry around, even my most random acquaintances have started to ask this question at an alarming rate. Usually I just smile and laugh and make unintelligible noises as I quickly walk away, but I’m thinking of taking a more direct approach from now on. Here are some of the new responses I’m going to use when people ask, “So, when are you and Ben going to start having kids?”:
- Well, as of now, Ben’s not allowed within 500 feet of children. So, we’re going to have to wait until the courts remove that particular restriction.
- As soon as I can kick that heroine habit.
- We’re waiting for genetic engineering to become more widely available. We’re only interested in babies that can read minds and have cat eyes.
- What are you talking about? We have children. This is Johnny with me right now. Say “Hi” to the nice lady Johnny!
- Well, we had unprotected sex last night. Unfortunately it was anal, so no dice.
Any other suggestions are welcome.
whahaha…
really anal = no baby?!
my-my-my…learn new lovely things everyday!!!
Those annoying questions never end FYI… Even if you do choose to have a baby, you’ll pop that nipple-gnawing poop-machine out and THEN people will start to ask you “So….. when are you making Johnny a big brother?????” even while your vagina is still weeping about the trauma she just went through.
I have people asking me this constantly. I have a few comebacks to throw at them, including:
I will pop out a kid as soon as you foot the bill
I have kids: my furbabies!
When are YOU gonna have one/another one?
and when strangers ask: I can’t have children, but thanks for reminding me….
The last one will totally shut someone up. I hate how people assume that just because you are married you are gonna pop a kid out nine months after the the wedding…
I totally relate to this! Why is it that once you’re married, it’s presumed that you’re ready to become instant parents? Does a marriage license = qualified parents? Especially even before the first year of marriage??! Everyone’s always asking me that question! My parents sent me some crazy forward about how our generation is going to cause us to become extinct because we’re not having enough children. I guess that whole global overpopulation thing is just like some fake shiz…(doubtful) Great post, pilgrim!
My friends classic answer to this question…. “when bruce stops fuckin me up the arse” it shuts people up pretty quickly!
I love my one-year-old nephew but little girl clothes are so much more fun. I can’t buy tutus for him! Though I guess you never know what his inclinations will be…
baby clothes are the devil. and also, can you please touch on the subject of “when are you getting married?” tips? i say he should just man up and do it already if he doesn’t want to hear about it.
V’s parents ask me this every other day! We aren’t even married yet people! I’m totally loving the anal answer. I think that shall work on his parents quite nicely. If anything, the looks on their faces should be priceless. BUTT SEX!
“It appears Ben’s Mountain Dew habit has rendered him infertile. And here O thought that was an urban legend!”
I hate babies, but there is one thing that gets me.
Kids clothes that look like adult clothes.
The other day I was at the store and they had paul frank pjs for little boys and girls. I DIED.
ooo i am writing these all down.
although for all of the gazillion times i was asked ‘when are you getting married’ i really dont get asked very often about kids. i think its because i kill plants within a few hours of getting them and my cat is morbidly obese and i laugh at jokes that only 11 year old boys would laugh at etc etc. Everyone else agrees that im not ready, they dont even need to ask.
I used to want to answer that by saying “Well…hmmm…I think the next time I let him jizz in my clam without pulling it out and spraying all over my stomach will be…uh….” and watch them squirm.
You could try saying something like, “As soon as I find a really good recipe for veal.” See if it registers or not. That could help add to the hilarity.
Funny story, my doc decided to switch my birth control pills and recommended we use a backup method until my body got use to the new medication when I told my fiance his response was “that’s cool we’ll just have butt sex”. Yes that’s the future father of my children. Be jealous.
My mother-in-law asked me that in front of 30 people THE DAY AFTER OUR WEDDING. So I looked her right in the eye and said, “Oh, I’m not having kids with my first husband.”
I love you.
Almost as bad as being asked when you’re going to have kids is when people assume that a child is yours when it isn’t. I used to nanny and I got called “mommy” all the time! When it first started happening, I would correct them, but it got to the point where I just said “That’s right! Mommy said let’s go so MOVE IT.”
True story: 8 nurses in the ER I was at got pregnant at the same time… I did not drink the water there ever again.
Here are a couple:
1) “It’s going to be a while. I can’t seem to stop my addiction to swallowing.”
2) “As soon as Ben gets over his ‘I think I might be gay’ phase we’re going to give it a shot.”
3) “What? We’ve already had several but the Scientologists just keep taking them away.”
oh im totally with you. i LOVE baby clothes and baby SHOES!
Basically, these people are asking when you and Ben are going to have sex. WHAT, pray tell, is appropriate about that question?! I DON’T GET IT.
It’s the same as couples saying, “They’re trying.” Yeah, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW that you’re banging on a more consistent basis!!!
All talk of procreating just shouldn’t be allowed. Period.
I’m going to find a way to work that last one into conversation, even though no one asks when we’re procreating yet.
This should be interesting.
ahahahahaha!!! thank you for this…I’ve been married for 8 years…it is almost a daily question.
I love this. Gymboree is HORRIBLE. One of my best work friends has two gorgeous little girls … and I spent a good chunk of my paycheck on them … now I’ve banned myself from the store.
And that last one — money.
Awesome new answers…love it!
Omg, hahaha! Yep, anal won’t get a bun in your oven I’m afraid.
“Say “Hi” to the nice lady Johnny!”…LMAO!
That question would annoy the shit out of me. My fave answer out of that list is the last one – haha, “it was anal so no dice”… LOL!!!
Yeah… totally with you! My girlfriend was using ‘when so and so stops f-ing me in the arse’ but she’s preggars now, so it’s up for grabs and I’m first in line. I actually wrote a blog on this same topic a few days ago… Shits me to tears!
Oh and even though I don’t want kids anytime soon, I also have a ’stash’ of baby stuff… What is with that?
Ahhhh… I also just noticed my mate Jands might have mentioned the arse thing… Touché
We can’t procreate because I need to count on my fingers to figure out the spam protection answer to 5 + 7. Seriously, where is my abacus!?
Babies R Us is my birth control. Ugh.
Though cute baby clothes are kind of fabulous.
Your husband just blew my comment out of the water. I can’t even REMEMBER what I was going to say.
Also? You look pretty.
P.S Not sure if it’s your thing but I just gave you some awards on my blog
The genetic engineering one was so genius, I weeped a little.
Ahaha the first suggestion is pure genius. Whenever I get married & get these questions, I’m so using it.
We haven’t even been married 2 months yet and we get it all the time.
LMAO I love your answers! LOL especially with the heroine addiction and the anal of course!
“As soon as they stop being so darn delicious!”
Ok, it’s been 2 years for me and Leo this month, and no one asks us this question.
Hmm…maybe my evilness shows more than I realize. Which is quite the advantage when it comes to shit like this, I think. ::nods evilly::
Dude, I WILL procreate again just on the off chance we will make a girl this time. I NEED to dress up a little lady in bows, tutus and mary janes. Is that too much to ask?
I vote for #1 and #5 because they seem the most realistic so people REALLY wouldn’t know whether to laugh or take you seriously. Those are always the best and most awkward. Do it.
I hear ya. I think that everyone I know is currently pregnant or has small kids. Luckily for me, we’re not married. So nobody wants us to go and have little bastards babies. No baby questions!
The marriage questions on the other hand…