I Rest Easy Knowing That I Can Bask In The Love of Jesus. I Also Have A Xanax Prescription. That Also Helps.
First off, I really want to say thank you to all of you who have commented and emailed asking if I’m okay. You can’t imagine how much I appreciate it. And let me assure you, I am totally okay. Okay-ish. Like I’m okay for me, but probably not okay on the Normal Human Scale Of Okayness.
Here’s the deal, I am a crazy person. Being crazy is often rather amusing (or scary, depending on your perspective). But there are times when being crazy is just fucking exhausting. This has been one of those exhausting times. As I’ve mentioned before, I am a clinically intense person on a good day. My body’s response to relaxation probably looks an awful lot like your body’s response to being chased and subsequently eaten by a large bear. I feel a constant buzzing, my muscles are always tense, I fidget, my thoughts race. That’s just how I feel all the time. Even with meds and therapy. I’ve come to accept this. Embrace it even. See, there are some totally awesome benefits to being really intense. Like, my house is always clean! And I never run out of hand sanitizer! And while you’re sleeping, I’m using that valuable time to come up with disaster recovery plans so that I’ll be prepared in case of an earthquake in New Hampshire!
Now that we’ve covered the upsides of my particular brand of mental illness, let me clue you in to some of the less desirable side effects of insanity. There are times when its like my body literally can’t handle being so keyed up anymore. And my body? It has no fucking idea how to RELAX. Relax is not a word my body understands. Whereas a normal person might say, “Hey Body, I am totally exhausted from all this stress we’ve been under. How about we spend a weekend lounging on the couch and doing nothing? That will totally help us recoup.” And then the normal person’s body would be all, “Dude, sure! That’s exactly what we need!” My body is more like this:
Jill: Body, we totally need to relax. Lets watch some tv and just take it easy.
Body: DOES NOT COMPUTE
Jill: I’m just saying, lets take a long hot bath and relax.
Body: ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Jill: BITCH, FUCKING RELAX!
Body: Commencing flu sequence. In 3, 2, 1. Virus initiated.
And then I get sick. Because that is the only way to get my body to slow down. You know the expression “worried sick?” Dude, I’m living it. And its fucking annoying. The whole mind/body connection thing? Kicking my ass.
When I start to feel like this, the come down, I tend to become very withdrawn. To be honest, I’m a pretty internal person in general. While I am not shy and I think most people would probably describe me as outgoing, I have always I liked to spend a lot of time by myself. Its how I recharge. I enjoy my own company, which is a good thing since Ben’s job has him travelling 4 days a week. What I’m getting at here is that it is not totally strange for me to not pick up any of my phone calls for a couple of days, but the way I’ve been feeling lately? I know its not healthy. And its a slippery slope.
If you’re been following me for a while, you’ve probably heard me describe myself as a mental health nut. The same way someone obsessed with their physique would notice a weight gain of a few ounces, I notice even a slight change in my emotional barometer. I have to because I know what happens when I don’t stay on top of it, and I can’t go through something like that again. So when I notice that I’m a little depressed, or more anxious than usual I try to be proactive. I try to talk about it, I make sure that I continue to eat and sleep regularly, I get outside, get some fresh air, get some exercise, listen to Brahms, write EXCITING CONTENT for my Internet friends.
My point is, I am okay for me. I’m on a bit of an emotional downswing at the moment, but I recognize it and I’m addressing it. I will be back to 100% soon, and until then here is a picture of Jesus to tide you over:
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we are crazy twins. I totally get the need to have “me time” but also knowing that ignoring everyone’s phone calls for weeks on end isn’t exactly “healthy.” Sending you lots of love and peace and Xanax and alcohol and Jesus.
Big hugs, friend. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. I’m just an email away if you need me. I’d say phone call, but I’m awkward as shit on the phone. xoxoxo
You’re in good company– I’m pretty sure all bloggers are a little loco. When my mind doesn’t want to slow down I think about shopping and then I’m okay.
Like I said– we’re all crazy.
You are just so, so fantastic. You blog has quickly become a must read for me, not only because you’re an incredible writer, but because I experience so much of the same crazy. Only, unlike you, I’m not as proactive about it.
Time to reevaluate what that’s all about.
You know all those mommies out there that are popping their kids’ ritalin hate you, right?
I know whenever I can’t de-stress, I say screw it and head straight for the chocolate. It won’t calm me down, but the kick of instant endorphins brings me to my happy place.
Yeah, that’s how I feel a lot of the time, only I medicate myself with hazardous amounts of alcohol and marijuana. Missed you though, so welcome back!
I feel like kind of a dick for not having been one of the people asking your whereabouts. I’d kind of assumed you were alright though. I figure, if something did happen, I’d have probably read about it in the news. Something along the lines of a crazed hobo killing spree, you know? I’m sure that’s how you would want to go out, am I right? 8D
While reading this entire post, I was almost positive that you were actually talking about me the entire time.
Guess maybe I was being paranoid and narcisistic and crazy again.
Good to know I have company.
I don’t understand the contest name, as I can’t think of a single thing on the planet that’s better than a blowjob.
I also like my alone time as well.
Not nearly as much as a blowjob, though. See first sentence for reference.
Ohhh, I hear you, Jill. I’ve been on a bit of a downswing these last few weeks myself. But, we’re tough cookies—we know ourselves well. Which is why we pause, take that critical moment to assess, and then begin the slow but sure push back into the upswing.
xoxoxoxo
to blog is to be crazy. why else would someone voluntarily put themselves out there for all of the internet to critique. so yes, we are all a bit loco.
you are in good company.
hope you start feeling better soon my friend.
Dear love kitten,
Miss you.
BUT if you would have let me just be your body like I asked you, you wouldn’t be sick. I would have fought off the disease like a champ. So next time I ask if I can be (inside) your body, just say yes.
The fact that you are so in tune with your mental health is excellent. Glad you are taking care of yourself, we’ll be here when you’re ready to return!
I am convinced that everyone that has a blog is a little messed up in some way or another. Except me, I am awesome. That and I lie to girls all the time, so you sort that one out.
OMFG! I just peed myself! No really I did. LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHA You sooooo have no idea how much you just made my day. I will get that address to you ASAP!
No one can capture Jesus’s inner pimp like you. Good to hear that you are on top of the mental state monitoring. Hopefully you will be back in top form soon.
I love your crazy ass, and the fact that you use tags like “that is not my vagina” for posts like this. MWAH!
Yeah. Exactly. and you know what? You are wise for someone your age. From my vantage point on the time line I know it takes some folks more decades than you’ve lived to get to where you are already. As much as the process sucks, at least you know it is a process. I admire that.
I too have a hard time relaxing. Although I’m not quite to the earthquake preparedness stage. Not quite. :p
I’m glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself:)
Oh Jill Pilgrim–you are a star. Just don’t disappear on me, ok? I heart you, and it would make me sad. Feel better! xo
I’m glad to hear you’re ok. You are never alone and know that all us out there in the blogosphere are Jill fans and looking out for her! That being said. Are they really for suckers?
Awww feel better and soon, in all the ways you need to! We’ll wait for you to come back!!
[...] yesterday, which I apparently won, even though I didn’t know I entered. Please click here to check out my creepy amazing prize. It’s guaranteed to give you the willies make you [...]
Um, yeah. I’ve been out of my Klonopin for two weeks now.
And it is BAD NEWS BEARS.
Thank you for the paint drawing of Jesus. It made my day. I hope your day gets better! We all have a bit of crazy in us. I know I do. Mine is hypochodria. I swear I have cancer. Everywhere. Tumor, it’s not a tumor. Whatever. And like you, I consider myself outgoing but don’t mind being alone in my own company. No one is cooler than yourself right?
And I HATE talking on the phone. Hate it.
Keep taking care of yourself and get back to 100%!
AWWWW!!! I send hugs, and love and dog keeses to you!
yayyayayayayay! jillee’s back! and she’s sexier than ever. and jesus endorses blowjobs. mabes blow j really stands for blow jesus. hmmm?
hugs and kisses and more kisses!
I love you.
I don’t feel like being funny right now, is that ok?
Also? I emailed you and am calling you tomorrow.