And then my head exploded
If I were a rich man, da da da da da da da da DAAAAAAA.
I’ve had that song stuck in my head all day. And I only know that one line. I’m pretty close to shooting myself just to make it stop.
On a happier note, I’ve recently diagnosed myself with epilepsy. How? Easy, with the help of WebMD, otherwise known as, The Bane of My Therapist’s Existence. Here’s the thing, I have just a touch of hypochondria. I’m just a tad preoccupied with my health. For example, I do not touch door handles with my bare hands, as I am convinced that I will contract AIDS if I do. I also wash my hands about 1500 times a day. And I carry hand sanitizer with me everywhere, and use it after I touch basically anything. Oh, and the Lysol. I carry a travel sized bottle of Lysol for disinfecting on the go.
Now, if I do happen to get sick, I immediately run to the computer to consult my trusty friend, The Internet. A headache? Brain tumor. Weird hand pain? Hypocalcemia. Excessive blinking? Epilepsy. Mild cold symptoms? Black plague.
If WebMD were really smart is would come back with the following possible conditions for all of these symptoms.
But, alas, WebMD is not smart. It is the devil. It whispers in my ear, “No, Jill, you’re not crazy. You’re just dying. From a rare disease. That’s what your symptoms tell me, and I am the all knowing Internet. Now take your top off.” That last part might be Jesus. Either way, WebMD reinforces my crazy hypochondriacal thinking and I end up at my doctor’s office. And then my doctor sends me to my therapist.
This afternoon, when I diagnosed myself with epilepsy, I was thinking about this usual chain of events and I had an epiphany. WebMD was created by the Democrats to get me to go to my doctor more, have more unnecessary tests, drive up health care costs, so they could pass healthcare reform and make America a socialist country! All of this to achieve their ultimate goal: killing my grandmother via a government death panel.
I’m onto you, Democrats. But here’s what you don’t know. Your plan is moot. My grandmother is already dead.
uh, yeah. woke up two mornings ago with a weird like, spot? on the side of my nose? redhead in Florida. google imaged melanoma. doesn’t LOOK like melanoma…still not completely convinced. did i get it from touching equipment at the college gym, and touching my face accidently? some kind of flesh eating bacteria from a foreign exchange student? what?
no insurance, soooo… thanks for the help with the healthcare reform. Let’s hope it gets going BEFORE MY NOSE IS HORRIBLY DISFIGURED. on top of being forty now.
you’re affliction is keeping me company. what did the therapist say?
Oh that last sentence did it for me! LOL. Teach me how to draw like that!
Ps. I try diagnosing myself via internet a bunch of times, somehow always end up with deadly diseases. I think the creators are having too much fun with this.
Goddamn Communists are everywhere. I might even be one. YOU don’t know.
You probably have swine flu too– I read the symptoms and I have ALL of them: tired, lazy, headaches… feels pretty familiar to me.
You’d think a sole diagnosis of hypochondria would be a heck of a lot easier for them to program…
sounds to me like you were on the computer too much
haha
Totally been there. Also, did you know that confusion brought on by drinking alcohol could be symptomatic of encephalitis?
i should probably kill my grandmother as well. you know, just in case. those filthy, filthy dems.
ps sorry about the epilepsy. watch this, it’ll make you feel better.
Oh, Jill Pilgrim. You make me laugh harder than anyone on the Internet. I think WebMD should be blocked by our therapists. I know I’d have a lot less of “the crazy” if I couldn’t access ways to freak myself the fuck out.
Lol. This just made me laugh a whole lot.
Your drawings are classic. You should get them copyrighted or something.
Um. You DON’T like having poor jewish songs stuck in your head all day?
What’s wrong with you?
I will still answer your video question. But just this once.
At first I read “I’m INTO you, Democrats” and thought to myself “Hm… that’s SERIOUSLY appropriate”.
Oh I like you even more now!
I carry a big pump jug of Germ-x hand sanitizer in the car and use it constantly. I actually had to have my steering wheel replaced a few years ago because the alcohol started chewing through the leather!
and I always use paper towls to turn the door handles too, and in public bathrooms I ALWAYS leave the water running so I don’t have to touch the filthy faucet with my cleaned hands.
See if that were really their plan though, they shouldnt have that “Home Treatment” section for shit they say you have. Oh I am a huge abuser of the home treatment section. They could tell me to rub cod all over myself to cure the tuberculosis they tell me i have when i say I have a sore throat, and you know what? I would do it. Because I clearly have TB…and this cod will totally cure it…at home…cause WebMD said so.
Ok here’s my symptoms-
I don’t like most people, I’m kind of bitchy and I toss my hair a lot.
please diagnose.
I totally used WebMD to look up excessive eye blinking too. I had a twitch for 2 days straight It drove me insane. I can’t remember what it diagnosed me with, however.
This is the pre-internet version of WebMD: Growing up, we had the Mayo Clinic health book at our house. EVERY disease imaginable was in this thing, and I loved it (weird child). There was also section of photos of really bad diseases. Black Hairy Tongue was one of them. I was SO scared I was going to get it. Nevermind the cancer and the AIDS…black hairy tongue was the worst. I made a lot of back up plans and even tried to make my mom buy me a razor JUST IN CASE. Then, I asked my pediatrician for treatment routes. I was like 8.
Haha Oh Jill… walk away from the computer…
I do this sometimes. This summer I found a weird looking spot on my foot and I was convinced it was melanoma. Like, to the point where I lay awake at night thinking about it. *sigh*
Don’t die, ok? I love your blog too much and I’d be sad.
I have a strong inclination that WebMD was created by kids who failed out of med school…
I hate WebMD b/c no matter what I enter it says I’m dying w/ cancer. It totally freaks me out. I’m already a hypochondriac and I blame my mother for that. She had me checking for lumps and weird moles when I was like 3. So really it can only go downhill from there. And WebMD definitely does not help my paranoia.
you never seize to amuse me!
xxx
My former therapist forced me to give up Web MD. Because I had scoliosis. And cancer. And a hernia.
Yeah…
1. Did you see last week’s episode of House!?!? Because a patient was posting his shit all over the internet looking for more answers. Everyone on the interweb thinks they knows!!
2. A friend of mine looked on WebMD this summer for his “night sweats.” We were on a road trip when he began telling me about this. Naturally, as we were confined to a car, I asked what WebMD(ick) thought he had. “Well,” he replied “it said I could have nothing, which I ruled out immediately.” “Why rule that out immediately?” I asked, to which he replied “Because I OBVIOUSLY have something! The other things I might have are Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or full blown AIDS.” I suggested he was simply having thermoregulation issues, and that he remove the blankets from his bed in the middle of July…
3. I love hand sanitizer. Every time I see it I use it. Which is a little manic because I live in a hospital now. AWK.
I’ve had a few heart attacks according to webMD, but I’m still here so jokes on them.
HAHAHA sigh. I’m coming back for more. You’re too precious!
BTW, I’m not loving your spam protector. First of all, it’s so small I can barely see it. I think I’ve tried to post a comment about 3 times. And it keeps sending me back. Secondly, I can’t find my calculator. Maybe I’m just exceptionally stupid today.
OMG I just did it again.
xo
See, Jesus knows what we are all thinking…
I put in my current symptoms (which I like to refer to as “being alive”) and I could have anything from allergies to acute kidney failure. Other interesting choices were shingles or a dental abscess.
So essentially, WebMD says I’m dying. Good to know.
Why do you look like the devil hugging your grandmother’s grave??!! Scary… Poor Nana…
That’s why I only get my diagnosis from ‘The Psychic Network.’
Apparently, I’m going to die in a tragic ‘flying watermelon’ incident, so it’s all moot anyway.
WebMD accurately diagnosed my boyfriend’s hernia, but it was still traumatic for that 12 hours between the WebMD diagnosis and the actual doctor diagnosis. That site is dangerous.
The hubs has banned me from Web MD for similar reasons.
WebMd is a dangerous place my friend…dangerous, dangerous.
Jesus can get girls’ tops off? I knew I should have called him back the other day.
OHMYGOSH!! Seriously. WebMD is the DEVIL. I have to completely avoid it otherwise I end up thinking I have AIDS, Prostate Cancer, The Bubonic Plague, and Swine Flu all on the same day. All of which are like nearly impossible for me to have! Ugh. I am that crazy person.