Things You Should Know About Marriage
My friend Kari is getting married next weekend in Wisconsin, and since I can’t be there, I wanted to give her my gift now. This gift is better than china, or a vacuum, or money. This gift is wisdom. WISDOM! Kari, you’re welcome in advance.
As a married hag I have an endless supply of advice relating to marriage, being married, and blow jobs. Namely, how to have a successful marriage, how to enjoy being married, and how to ensure you never give another blow job again. Lets get started, shall we?
1. In the week (or year, if you’re me) before your wedding ensure that you bombard your significant other with endless rants about the ineptitude of your wedding vendors. Also, yell a lot about that bitch at the bakery who is starting to give you attitude just because you called for the fifth time to change the flavor of the top tier. Throw in some tears where appropriate. Then (and this is key) have lots of hot makeup sex to keep him from running away. The sex will make him forget that you are crazy. For now.
2. If, by chance, your husband sees you before the ceremony in your dress, you must blind him. Otherwise your marriage is doomed.
3. On your wedding night you will be expected to perform certain duties. The pressure is on my friend. You have to do something special. I would suggest shaving your new monogram into your bathing suit area. It will be a nice surprise for him and will really show your attention to detail. Also? Is there anything at your wedding that isn’t better with a monogram? Exactly.
4. Once on your honeymoon, it is time to relax. But, not really because you are expected to give blow jobs and anal on demand. Don’t worry though, this is the last time your now husband is going to have this kind of access to your body. Let him have his last hurrah.
5. After the honeymoon is over, the “being married” stuff really begins. Its now time to throw away all of that lingerie you bought for the honeymoon.
6. As a wife you are expected to use all of those registry gifts to good use. Make dinner for twelve, bake a million cakes, make your husband a milk shake. In short, fatten him up to ensure that he will never leave you.
7. It is also important to put your husband on a strict sex schedule, enough so that he still has the will to live, but not so much that he thinks he married a slut. Remember, you’re not a single girl anymore. Close those legs for christsake.
8. Buy a set of nice pearls. Clutch them whenever someone cusses or makes reference to male genitalia in your presence.
9. Penis. (This was a test. )
10. Stop referring to your husband by name. And make sure that you talk about him at least once every 20 minutes. People will not find this at all annoying. And remember, no names! Just, “My husband this,” and “My husband that.” John? John, who? John doesn’t exist anymore. John’s just known as Mary’s husband now.
And that, my friends, is a little bit of wisdom from me to you.
But seriously Kari, you’re going to be gorgeous. Congrats honey! J is one lucky man. Now here is my real present:
Oh, and also, Ben would like me to clarify that he does in fact still get blow jobs. As a matter of fact he’s getting one right now. I’m a master of multitasking.
I love you Jillian. Forever and Always!
Thank you for this priceless wisdom. Consider this your thank you card.
I clutched my pearls when I read #9. Did I pass?
Weirdo alert! Blogs have invaded my reality.
Today “my husband” Tina and I were watching a dvd which featured an ad for the show That Girl! with a young Marlo Thomas and bingo! I found your true celebrity look alike. No shit google image it.
Also way to multi-task. Color me impressed that you can breathe thru your nose and blog
I told my fiance prior to us getting engaged that if he gave me a ring he would get a BJ everyday. He proposed after only 6 months. He does NOT get BJ’s everyday. Sucker!
I will be sure to remember this on my wedding day!
Damn it, I shouldn’t have given a BJITH (grasps pearls)today. My husband (name unknown) won’t be happy about my newfound wisdom.
You my dear? Are hilarious.
I need to get married stat. I’m getting lockjaw being single.
Umm…wait, didn’t get get a place setting for 16? That is bananas…
Also? I miss you and we must speak immediately. Kthxbai
Oh Jill, I heart you.
Hilarious
I’ll have to keep this tips in mind when i get married somewhere in the future. hahaha number 10 is my favorite.
K’s parents gave us service for 8 and we’re just living in sin. Do you think that’s their way of making sure we never get hitched? Maybe they want their son to have BJs for life. :p
Amazing! I especially loved #7, which reminded me of my uber-southern grandmother, when I was sixteen, thrusting a Bible in my hands: “See this, honey? Stick it between your legs and keep it there ’til you’re married.” Thanks, grams!
Unfortunately she never gave me any advice on blowjobs — thank goodness I have your wise counsel on the matter!
proooooooobably going to have to reprint this on my own blog when roomie gets married in january. will cred you of course.
you’re so funny. have i told you lately that i heart you? well, darlin, i’m tellin’ you now.
So, when I get married (I suppose that should be *if*) can you please FUCKING OFFICIATE? I mean, you’re friends with Jesus, you’re hysterical and I need things like this during the ceremony.
Also? I love you. And if your husband ever wants to get rid of you? I will take you in, no BJ’s required. Mostly because I have nothing for you to B, but whatevs. You know what I mean.
It took me so long to do the math equation that I forgot what I wanted to say.
I believe it was something along the lines of– You’re brilliant and this post was perfect. Thank you.
Hahahaha….You are too funny. Regarding #3: What if I shave his initials into my bathing suit area? Would that work? Because then my bathing suit area will say “VD”. Wait…Actually, that would be bad. He should shave it into his. Or, a tattoo would be nice as well. OWNED. FOREVER.
I’ll remember to make a dinner for 12. It will include hot pockets from my new microwave.
Hahhahahahaa ill remember this if I get married someday. The throwing away of all lingeries and fattening the hubby up so he can’t leave you made me laugh. You’re awesome!
I wish you would have posted this FOURTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO!
I big fat puffy heart you.
Wow, this totally cracked me up!
When I get engaged, I’m positive I will come back and read this for advice.
Haha. That is great advice.
I have been married 2.5 years, and BJ’s are ONLY used for bribery!!
IF I get what I want…then he can have one, otherwise, I DO NOT THINK SO! That went out the door the day he said “I do”
You need to write a book full of this genius advice. I know I’d buy it!
could not agree MORE with: “Is there anything at your wedding that isn’t better with a monogram? Exactly.”
however my married advice tips would differ slightly in that i would recommend witholding sex for 3 months prior to the wedding. say its bc your catholic priest asked you to, but really the Big Night is MUCH hotter!
you are so wise in your wisdom and wiseness and wise, wise, smahtness. i want to marry YOU! also? i’ve already started the fattening. it’s working, fyi.
Dude. This is awesome. You never fail to crack me up!
I was just thinking when I got to the end, “If I wrote this, B would totally make me put a disclaimers saying he still got blowjays on the reg.”
TWINSIES.
Sage words of wisdom. I must have missed the memo about #4! Ah ha
I used sex, cookies and backrubs to suck my husband in. It totally worked and now he always says that I used to give him the best backrubs… Aw. The poor husband. He’s lucky I still give him sexy time but that is mostly b/c it’s good for me too. Purely selfish reasons.
Wow, dinner was great tonight honey! All this good eatin lately I am going to need a new pair of pants. I really can’t wait until next Tuesday at 7:30pm when we get to have sex again! Its too bad I must have accidentally thrown out all of your lingerie when we were house cleaning, oh well! I love you forever!
-The Husband
If you and I weren’t already married to different people, I’d propose to you right now. And it would work out great because I love cake and don’t have the appropriate equipment for blow jobs.
Love it!!
This is why I am never, ever, getting married! Thanks for the advance warning.
When I get married—someday, way way way wayyyyy off in the future—I will remember to reference this list…
Well since I passed out on our wedding night and then there was no honeymoon am I forever doomed to be a BJ giver??
This is absolutely hilarious. I hope that when I get married someone gives me such sound advice.
I think you’re on to something…I definitely gotta remember your tips.
Blow job? That’s not in my vocabulary….
Ditto on the book! And I should email this to my brand new fiance!!
If I wasn’t already a megafan, I am after this post. It has been tweeted, retweeted and twated (I don’t know what the last one really means, but I felt I needed a set of three to make the sentence work). If I sing your praises constantly on my own blog, can I repost this and credit it all to you? It’s pitch perfect.
This post made me wish I had a penis and it could be given a bj.
I had to clutch my pearls several times. I think I passed. And I really am a slut. I think I’m going to have to make sure he knows that BEFORE we’re married.
I am officially a stalker of yours! i love your comments you leave me. they brighten my day!
You could have shared that cartoon with me a LOT sooner.
HAHAHAHA. HILARIOUS.
Dammit! Where was this guideline when I was wedding planning?!
As the only non-husband male here… I can only read on with side, baleful eyes as the mysteries of married life are laid bare before me.
Alas
omg, this is the best thing that I have ever read.