Things I Have Actually Said To People In Real Life. Out Loud. Like They Heard Me When I Said These Things.
At the funeral of a friend’s father
John: Thank you so much for coming.
Me: My pleasure.
~
Out to dinner with a girlfriend
Macy: Guess what?! I’m pregnant!
Me: Oh no.
~
First meeting a neighbor. I am walking my dog.
Neighbor: Aw, what’s her name?
Me: Coco . Isn’t she adorable?! She’s really smart to! Like I can’t believe how smart she is! We already taught her to sit.
Turns to tell Coco to sit, Coco is eating her own poop.
~
Which brings me to my next point, are you aware that there is a product designed to make your dog’s poop “unpalatable”? Seriously. A product people buy, designed to make their dog’s feces taste worse than dog shit, I guess? Does this not seem redundant?
And while we’re discussing leotarded* products, have you seen this: Your Baby Can Read! ? I mean, really? REALLY??? A program to teach my 3 month old, who is still pissing himself every few hours, to read? A quote from the site:
“Dr. Robert C. Titzer, Ph.D., has a grand vision of making the world a better place”
Sounds a bit little, um, Hitler to me. Dr. Robert C. Titzer, I am all set with your baby-reading-world-domination plan. I think I’ll let my future baby just, you know, exist. Thanks for the alternate option though! Nazi.
The end. Almost. First, here is a picture of my dog..
The end. Not really.
*Did anyone else hear this story on NPR last night?
The end.
Hehehehehe… love it. Hey, shit happens… and in this case, shit gets said and then eaten. LOL
Ooohmygosh. I went to a wake a few weeks ago. My gf’s mother in law says “nice to see you. You look happy…” (meaning in life, I guess). I exclamed “Oh I AM happy!” quickly followed by blushing and mumbling “uh…i mean…not toDAY I’m not…but yeah…”
Coco is adorable! And yes, I’ve heard of the shit that makes shit taste like shit. My old dog used to eat his when he was a puppy and the vet said it was b/c puppy food was so rich that when they shit it out it still smells like the puppy food and not like shit. WTF.
teeeeeeheeheeeheeheeheeheeheeheee
puppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppypuppy
At least you didn’t replace “my pleasure” with “you to”. Very little is more awkward than a misused “you to”
Dogs are gross. That is all.
Hahaha….My sister got the poop stuff for her puppy. Her dog had an infatuation with crapping in the house, then playing with the shit like a toy. Then, after awhile, he would eat it. Cute dog though :/
I love your awkward conversations. I always have those moments too. Coco is so cute!
FINALLY the PUPPPPYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awww Coco and Bella can be bff’s forever. Perhaps they need a phone date as well?
And all I got from that article was that I used to date a guy in a band called Lexicon. Myspace that shit. I’m so self INVOLVED jeez.
Also? I love you more than life.
I asked my aunt if my cousin was planned. sigh.
Saying retarded? is so retarded…. also gay. Which I am gay, so I can say that, if you use the logic that if you “belong” in a slur catgory you “own” it and use it with impunity. So I am gay cracker bitch. Or lesbian white woman. Whatever. Corn is in everything now. Think about that when you think about blood sugar release and insulin levels playing havoc with your mood.
They should come out with a product that removes the taste of your own foot from your mouth, am I right? Millions will be sold.
Seriously, everyone does this, we need to give more love, less grief.
Aaaaannnyway……that bulldogge is so you
keep on with the inappropriate, you make it look good.
haha love the quotes! you might be as neurotic as me! also, i get why i love you so much! you have an amazing boston! i love bostons! best dogs ever. now if only i can find one for me! XO Pretty Robotic
How did you get your dog to sit so still for the picture? Entice her with a fresh steamer?
I think I’m going to combine those two great products into one: It’ll teach babies to read, but I’ll fool them into thinking everything says “tastes worse than dogshit”.
oh silly coco, eating her own shit when she was supposed to be making a good impression!
and i ADORE frenchies, my dog walker has a french bulldog and my dog has bonded with hers ever so much. i just love any dogs with the “sticky-up-ears” (TM by lusty reader) any dog with ears that stick up has captured my heart forevar.
NOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
why is she so cute? seriously, want to steal her.
Your awkward conversation skills are really on a level all their own, my dear. Truly. It’s quite impressive.
I totally looked at the picture of Coco and said out loud, “POOP EATER!”
I thought Sadie-dog had that one covered with her desires fro cat crunchies from the litter box.
hahah. thank you for making me smirk today!
and your dog IS very cute!
i used to housesit for a family that had a golden retriever that CONSTANTLY ate his own shit. so i called him SHIT FOR BRAINS.
I am so glad our dog isn’t a shit eater. NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT, ok lady? Your dog is so cute, so it’s ok.
(see how awkward I can be? I didn’t even try.)
coco is freaking adorable. jager (pug) eats bailey’s (cock-a-chon – I didn’t make this up) doodie. we can’t make him stop and I hate it.
Wow, I have to tell you, this made me laugh REALLY HARD!
I loved it.
OMG eating what? Oh no please puppy don’t.
Your dog is too cute
and whats the facination with cat shit? i would take my dog eating his own shit over having kitty litter in his beard any day………thank you jeebus my cat-loving roomate moved out! love coco though, i always wanted a boston terrier!
or is she a french bulldog? i will take one of those too!
you know what this post made me think of the most?
my 1-year-old baby cousin Piper. she has a teensy bit of an underbite and looks like a bulldog.
you’re welcome.
ahhh i would totally say that to most of my friends if they told me they were pregnant!
I did hear that story on NPR.
Your dog is friggin adorable.
i don’t do dogs.
don’t hate me.
If eating my own shit is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
I guess this makes me happy that our dog is such a picky eater. :p
Aw what a sweetie!!
I’m not sure about the poop. I’ve heard that sometimes they do that when they get anxious about pooping inside, like they’re trying to hide it. Is this an inside thing or an outside one…
I would totally recommend the book The Dog Listener. She’s a british lady who predates the dog whisperer by a few decades and has all kinds of practical, easy to implement advice.
My parents’ dog does the same thing. Apparently it has to do with some vitamin deficiency they’re trying to make up for. Or he is just dumb. Never can tell
But cocoa sure is cute!
Is “Oh no” not the proper response to someone telling you they are pregnant? Don’t tell me some folks do that on purpose…crazy.
Coco is completely adorable even if her palate is a bit off.
dude, that baby guy is TOTALLY a nazi. and i hate him. i hateeee those commercials with a hell-fire passion.
and seriously… the funeral comment is something i would totally say.
and your dog is the effing most adorable thing. i want to cuddle her right now.
Wait, are you saying that if I send you my child you won’t teach it to read??
I’m going to have to rethink this whole thing.
I too am afflicted with the amazing ability to say inappropriate things at inappropriate times.
One time I asked a kid who was staring at me if he “was fucking retarded”…. Yeah, he was. (Keep in mind this was in the 80’s… Being politically correct wasn’t heard of yet….)
you are hilarious! love reading your stories!
thanks for coming, my pleasure – at a funeral. haha naughty girl
but i mean – what else can you say?
love your dog. she’s a character!
xxx
Leotard, I’m going to start using that.
Babies can’t read at 3 months and only retards buy into that.
The NPR story was great, especially the last line of how it will remain a commonplace “zinger” haha I love that!
Cats don’t eat their poop thank goodness. But I have caught the dude playing with a crib full o’ poop in the morning. Jealous?
Well, as a former gymnast, I am totally offended by the term leotarded. So meh. Unless, of course, it’s meaning is stretchy and clingy, but not stretchy enough to not work it’s way up your ass crack during a floor routine.
I want to say the dog looks adorable but… I can’t
Talking babies reminds me of Homer’s brother…
Gotta say I’m wildly impressed by the funeral one!
Oh and Jill, I’m just letting everyone in my blogroll know I’m having another competition to make up for being such a lame blogger recently!!! Work has been manic and I’ve been sick and I just haven’t had the time to devote to all, so hopefully this makes up for it: http://chicknamedhermia.wordpress.com/2009/09/10/i-have-a-treat-for-you-all/
Lol. Love it. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time. You say something, then cringe, then try and fix it (or I do anyway). Whoops
Heh.
And what the hell is up with the reading program for wee ones. Seriously?!?!! Yeah cough*Hitler*cough, let’s just try that one on for size.
Thanks for the laugh. Have a fab weekend bella
xx
Anika
hehehe! I’ve said that too!! The “Oh no” when someone told me they were preggers!! Thank God I’m not the only one!! Love your pup!!
Lol, the “oh no” to someone who said they’re pregnant… I’ve done something similar before. I said something like “are you okay?”. But in my defense, her and her hubby were going through some problems so I wasn’t quite sure it was what she wanted.
Turns out it was. My bad.
Seriously? What’s with the math quiz every time I leave a comment here. Do you know how embarrassing it is to repeatedly fail it? Like: Sum of 3+8? Oh wait… you mean it isn’t 12??? grrr lol
If there is a pill that will make dogs stop eating their own poop then I say AWESOME! Is Coco a Boston Terrier? She is CUTE! I have a Toy Pug and a Jack Russell.
When I told my mom I was pregnant again (after she KNEW we were trying with injections and everything) she said “You can’t handle the one you got!” Yup. That was the first thing that she said. I won’t ever forget that. Somehow it just doesn’t sound as funny as “oh no” though. LOL
And that NPR story… I have been trying to not say “retard” for a while now. I don’t even know where I picked it up. But wow what a horrible word. It’s my goal to rid it from my vocab completely. Lately I have been trying to say “BEEEEP BEEEP” instead of the curse word I want to use. Don’t want my kid walkin thru the grocery story calling people “MFuckin Assholes!” lol
What are you feeding your dog?
Dogs sometimes eat their poop when they aren’t getting enough nutrition from their food.
“Macy: Guess what?! I’m pregnant! Me: Oh no.” LMFAO!!
I’ve yet to see my dog eat her poop but I do pick the stinkies up quick too.
omg. I’m cracking up! I often find myself in that situation where I’m like..wait, did I JUST say that?!