Slasher Victim or Cunnilingus Expert: You Be The Judge
Go and check out Lilu’s site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition. Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information. You do this on Thursday. See how that works?
A little note before we get started: Are you interested in having a stroke? Great! Here’s how! Move into a new place, don’t take any time off of work for the move, try to unpack all of your stuff in increments after being at the office all day, and have OCD. Instant Stroke! Now onto happier topics, like how to traumatize a boy and ensure that he’ll never go down on another girl again.
Its 2003 and unsuspecting frat boy Mark is about to hookup with my very gorgeous, yet exceedingly weird friend, Kendall. Kendall is the quintessential hot hippie chick. Long hair, no bra, natural beauty, sexually uninhibited. Mark is a guy. He’s in a frat. This is really the extent of my knowledge.
So Kendall meets Mark at a party on a Friday. They totally hit it off. Or she was really drunk. One or the other. Either way, Kendall and Mark decide to leave the party, they end up going out for a few beers, and then end up back at her place.
Hooking up ensues. It looks like this:
Pretty standard. Things progress from dry humping to oral, with Kendall on the receiving end. The happy couple has the intercourse and promptly passes out.
Now you’re thinking, “This is a fucking HORRIBLE TMI story!” To which I reply, “One, stop yelling. Two, I’m going somewhere with this. Three, the place I’m going? Involves Kendall’s uterus lining on Mark’s face, so fucking get it together.”
I just blew my load, huh? So, yeah, turns out Kendall got her period and Mark just thought he was really awesome at cunnilingus hence all the slick moisture. But, hey, guess what Mark?! That moisture was not orgasm juice, it was menstrual blood! Surprise!
Now here’s where it gets really disturbing. Mark.fell.asleep.with.period.on.his.face. Fell asleep! I understand that he was unaware of the lady blood on his face, but even if he just thought it was excessive vagina dampness, shouldn’t he have, um, taken care of that? That’s just basic hygiene.
An indeterminate period of time later, Mark wakes up and heads to the bathroom to relieve himself. He then discovers that it looks as though he just left the set of Hannibal. Mark is alarmed.
He runs back into Kendall’s room, apologizing, saying he must have have had a nose bleed and he’s sorry he got blood on her sheets. At this point Kendall gets up, and lo and behold, she has her period! Kendall, being the unbridled hippie that she is, announces, “Dude, don’t worry about it. I just got my period. Its probably from me.”
Mark is confused. Kendall further explains, “I got my period last night. See, there’s a stain. You probably got some on your face while you were going down on me.” Now Mark is traumatized. And running to the bathroom in search of bleach. To drink.
And he was never heard from again. At least not by Kendall, which she was actually pretty surprised about. Huh.
Um, if my mom didn’t read my blog, I’d post about the time a guy BEGGED to have a little period play to this end. Like, he wanted it on purpose. I declined. And then we broke up. OK, fine, who am I kidding: I never effed him again. There was no relationship.
Also, I’ve moved once a year ever since I started teaching, and basically I want to kill myself when moving as it is, but especially with no time off. How in the hell is my closet going to get organized by color/style if I’M FUCKING WORKING?!
LMAO!!! OMG!!! I love your hippie friend. That is disgustingly hilarious.
Hi
That was definitely TMI
I’m still grinning.
You sure know how to tell a story.
Are you writing a novel?
You should.
Love & Best Wishes,
@RKCharron
xoxo
oohhhh dear. i have heard so many horror stories of boys that has happened to… yikes.
also, moving is a bitch. i’m on my way with wine.
OH GOD. Disgusting. *gaaaag*
AHHH, she had a free pass with the possible nose bleed! Why, oh why, was she so honest? Hahaha….I easily would’ve been like, “Ah, yeah, nose bleed. You know, don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of everything…” Then, I would’ve seemed all domesticated and crap.
Anyway, I hate moving and packing/unpacking. That’s why I just leave everything in suitcases. Or, I might leave everything in suitcases, because IreallydonotliketounpackandIamalsoalittlelazy. That also might be why my belongings are spread between 2 continents, 2 houses, and 2 storage facilities in three different cities. Someone just come steal my stuff, so I can start all over. (That happened once. I wasn’t too sad.)
Yikes. Did he not taste the blood during the act?!
Is the bleach Clorox by any chance?!
You know how to build the suspense darling…
Thriller!!
xo*
-barfs in mouth- that is so disgustingly funny! Poor guy will probably never go down on a girl again
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Oh. my. gosh.
I can’t decide whether or not I feel like I want to vomit because I’m laughing so hard or because Mark had… you know… on his FACE. Sweet mother of pearl. There are no words. haha
Also–the arrow pointing to dignity on the floor? MASTERPIECE. xo
..and that man later grew up to be Ronald McDonald.
[...] Jill Pilgrim’s Slasher Victim or Cunnilingus Expert: You Be The Judge [...]
A friend of mine calls this the “jelly donut”.
Jelly donut… …
I’m never really disgusted by these acts until they’re given names.
Jelly donut. Lovely.
(I’ve been there by the way… not THAT hideous…)
This might be the most disturbing TMI Thursday I’ve ever read.
I think that means you get a “Bravo!!”????
Did someone say WARPAINT?
ugh, yech, oh my and noooooo! vaginas are gross.
so are you all donesies, then? is it over?
Look at this way. If he was straddling the fence at all, she probably just pushed him over to the other team. Way to help Mark out of the closet, Kendall!
Also, Lemmy? EW.
Well at least he can check that box off the list. He’s now earned his Red Wings. Congrats Mark Congrats!
OMG That’s just so…wow.
His face must have been mighty crusty by the morning.
Ew. I just cringed when I typed that…..
I thought this kind of thing was just an urban myth. Unbelievable.
Kendall’s laidbackness about the whole sitch is really something we can all learn from, I think. She sounds like one down-to-earth hippie, yo. (Which, I guess, would be part of the definition of being a hippie, really. So well done, there!)
I really don’t get the who ‘This is gross but that is not’ thing about bodily fluids…it’s all good in my opinion. I mean not on purpose, no one is really okay with that I know, but accidentally? ah well, c’est la vie. Of course I’m a hippie chick at heart.
Also tmi since I don’t have a blog…. I (briefly, like six months) worked as a pole dancer in my twenties, to feed the baby in desperate times, y’all….some guy offered to pay me to vomit in his mouth. He said he would settle for spitting in it. He was a disgusting pig y’all, he said in NYC there are underground places where you can get that stuff done and it is a big fetish industry. Yu-uck. Not for no ‘mount of money.
Whatever kind of beer they went out for that makes you the kind of drunk where you don’t notice that your face looks like you picked a fight with Tyson, I want no part of it. That shit should have a warning on the bottle. “May cause complete obliviousness, poor sexual choices and an odd metallic taste.”
“Mark was alarmed” = understatement of the year.
That’s just plain awful.But, God love the hippies and their laid back attitudes!
WOW!! kudos to ur friend there… I would’ve been so off.. if it happened to me.. yikes.. being new to TMI.. and reading stuff by quite a lot of people.. i think this ones the best!!
hugs!!
I am speechless. Speechless! why yes, Mark, you did get a bloody nose…
They should have stuck to dry humping. :p
First I have to wonder how he didn’t notice the taste was a bit… “raw”.
And second, I wonder if he got any clots with it. I hear they have lots of protein in them.
Crossed the line? Ew. Sorry.
You have way too many disgusting stories, dude!
holymotherofallthatisholy! Blech…… LOL Of course by the time you get to MY age and we’re all married this is one of those been there’s done that. All our men have won their Red Wings. hahahahaha
NOT on purpose, granted. But still. All.Have.Earned. Red Wings
What a pussy! It happens, I mean what can you do other than say, “hey, wanna go again?”
I always thought that tales like these were urban myths. Ewwwwwww
Lol…that is, ugh, I think I just threw up in my mouth. She should have just stuck with the nosebleed, but seriously dude, he slept in it?
LOL this is hilarious!!! i didnt want the story to end.
xxx
lmao! Holy crap! I would have loooooved to see Marky’s facial expression, though. After he first saw the blood, and after he knew what the blood was from!
haha…oh wow, i didnt know if i want to laugh or gag, and i knew it was coming along…
funny is a disgusting kinda way..
and jelly donut? but i love jelly donut….
so i learned about your journal through someone else’s, and i was reading through some of your old posts this morning. i thought you should know, i actually just busted out laughing uncontrollably, in the middle of my office, and every head in every cube around me turned. i’m not crazy, i just think you’re hilarious. so thanks for making my friday morning at work so much more enjoyable! I look forward to reading more
omg that is so f’n nasty lol! hippy or not, how can one be nonchalant about that situation? ewwwwwwww!!
I totally would have gone with the nosebleed thing. “I forgive you”
this is why i love hippies!
That was a REALLY good one. I wonder how long it actually took Mark to get over it. If he was, in fact, a true frat boy, I would have given him about a day.
Ooof! Man that was some story! Not one to tell at dinner perhaps.
Hahahaha… oh goodness. He must have been way horny though, not to have at least tasted a slight metallic something when he was down there. I’m guessing it’s not so much stupidity as it is about men’s brains dying the minute they see a woman naked. But I’m sure given he was a fratboy, he probably drowned his trauma in a few kegs of beer and was in complete denial a few hours later….
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA she shouldn’t have told him. Let him go with the nose bleed thing. That’s what I would have done. Fucking hilarious!!!! ahhahaha
Wow, he had to be super drunk to not taste the difference….BWHAHAHA!!