I’m Okay, You’re Okay. Except I’m Not Really Okay. Unless Okay Means Bananas, Then I’m Totally Okay.
*So, I wrote this last night and debated publishing it, but then I was all,”Fuck it.” Because I am both fearless and classy. And modest. And classy.*
I’ve joked a lot about my anxiety disorder, here and here for example, and now I’m about to get all serious on your ass. And it may be a little, um, Oprah, so feel free to skip this post. Or if you need a good cry blackmail material, read on.
So here’s the thing, its currently 3:30 in the morning, I have to be in the office in a few short hours and I am not sleeping. Why? Well, see my body? It randomly decides it doesn’t require sleep. Or food. Or sanity.
Allow me to over share. I have, um, how do I put this delicately? Mental problems. It kind of, sort of runs in the family. Case in point: During one particular trip to an amusement park my father was cajoled into riding the log flume with my brothers and me. We got to the top of the highest hill, and my dad? He got out of the log. And scaled down the side of the ride to “safety.” This is not something normal people do.
I got all of my father’s crazy, manic, obsessive genes. With just a dash of my mother’s depression. Its quite pleasant. When looking back, I realize that I have always been a little (air quotes) different. Seriously, my first grade teacher described me as intense. True story. I was an intense six-year-old. And, hey, guess what? I am way more intense at 27 than I ever could have dreamed of at the age of 6.
My very closest friends know about my struggles with my mental/emotional health. I see a therapist, a psychiatrist, I take medication, I eat well, I exercise, I meditate. In short, I take my mental/emotional health very seriously. You know how some people are health nuts? I am like a mental health nut. That being said, 2009 has not been the greatest year for me. Starting in January I began really struggling with my anxiety disorder. I had stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep, I was in and out of the hospital. I had a myriad of physical symptoms that, in the end, all turned out to be the result of stress (read, craziness). I started seeing my therapist weekly. I went through a lot of med changes. I dropped too much weight. For months I thought that this was just the way my life was going to be. And slowly, with the support of Ben and some very good friends and a very, very good therapist, things started to get better. Over the last couple of months things have gotten so much better. I feel like a normal person again. Usually. Not right now though.
The thing is, my anxiety disorder? Its smart. It changes. When I figure out new ways to cope, my anxiety figures out new ways to attack. One of the more recent developments is waking up in the middle of a panic attack. I wake up shaking, cold sweat, heart pounding, short of breath, on the verge of tears. The first few times it happened, the attack was so intense I would just pace for hours. Now, I’ve learned to cope. I just have to ride it out, wait for the adrenaline to clear my system. When friends ask me what it feels like to have a panic attack, I stab them in the face. Because that’s what it feels like. But worse.
Note: I have never been stabbed in the face, at least not yet, so I’m kind of guessing here.
So yeah, I’m not even sure where I was going with this. Basically what I’m saying is being crazy is not as fun as it sounds. Like when people say things like, “Oh man, we had a crazy good time last night,” they are making it sound like hearing voices is fun. Hearing voices is not fun, unless those voices are telling you where to score some sweet pharmaceuticals , that’s actually pretty fun.
In closing:
first off, i’m always scared i’m going to eff up the math problem. seriously.
and second, i know these feelings. to varying degrees, but i know them. so well. lot of hugs.
My wife has many of these same symptoms. The thing is…she’s terrified of doctors. She thinks they’re going to sedate her and rape her. Or hypnotize her and rape her. Or just eat her liver.
I’m trying to NOT sound like an asshole here, because we’re tight and all–though we’ve never met or anything–but at least you recognize the problems and are seeking help. The only thing she’s ever done is bum an anti-depressant off a friend at work and she said she felt great.
I really let her have it because, being that I work in the pharmaceutical field, I know how much antidepressants and brain drugs can fuck a person up if they’re not administered correctly. I think this also plays into her “I’m not going to the doctor.” It’s some sort of “My husband knows this stuff. He can help me.” kind of thing.
Anyway, this is long and winding, but I’m saying stay strong and keep fighting it. You have a good man to support you and apparently a dog that likes you and friends and family and lots of people who like to give you electronic love and support. We’re pulling for you. Win one for the Gipper. Basia coquum!
That was fearless and classy and modest.
But Jill, you forgot honest. that was remarkably honest.
You kick some serious ass for having the cajones to put that shit out on the interwebs. I’m not sure I would have the cajones myself.
xoxo J
If you ever, ever, EVER want to talk about this, I’m so here. I have wicked anxiety and OCD and depression, so I super get it (plus the family stuff). Good for you for talking about it. Oh, and YAY MEDS! I basically make out with my Xanax bottle everytime I take it. Love you, sister.
sometimes i think i’d be so much better on drugs. but i’m afraid of losing my stabby edge
Aw, Jill. I feel for you, some very close to my heart suffer from severe anxiety. For over a year a friend couldn’t drive due to sever attacks that happened at any given time. For a while she couldn’t get on the bus either, it was all too much. It’s heartbreaking because there’s nothing I can do for them. I hope letting it out helps you out even just a little bit.
Hope you can get some good sleep. Hugs to you!
The hot one’s are always crazy. But I love the crazy one’s too. It’s okay, you’re still my hero, I’m crazy too. Let’s hug.
Would it be one’s or ones? Damn it I’m not sure… I’m dumb too.
You know what? You’re awesome. And funny. And beautiful. And SMART. The fact that you acknowledge all of this is SO important. I’m not going to give you advice because only YOU know what works for you. But keep working at it and do whatcha gotta do. I’ll be thinking of you. Thank you for your honesty.
Definitely a brave post. Sending *hugs* your way
first of all, heart you. i love honest posts like this. LOVE. THEM.
secondly, my family = also crazy. in fact, i’m driving 2 hours to have lunch with my mom tomorrow, because her irrational, mentally unstable sister is wreaking havoc on both our lives and we just need a teensy break. and my mom needs a hug. because sometimes she’s not the stablest either.
so i get it. sorta. i mean, no one really gets it until they have that feeling of “wow, i just woke up in a cold sweat and i can’t think of anything to do that will make me feel better except oh maybe i should pace a hole in the rug? that might be okay.” but i will try. and i like being your bloggy friend. just so you know.
major hugs.
First of all, I have to say that my brain is sort of exploding with “me too”-ness and I don’t really know where to start.
This post is so raw and so touching and so directly from the deep middle of my brain and heart. You’re absolutely fantastic. I’m bookmarking this.
I have a case with slight depression and anxiety as well, it’s nothing compared to what you have to deal with but at times it can be so distracting. The peak was two years ago, I was in my super emo phase. I did a lot of stupid things because I couldn’t cope with it, I wasn’t so lucky as you with supportive friends. Not many people knew.
But I also did therapies, they really helped. I feel normal enough now and I try catching up with things I have to do, I try to fix the damages I’ve done..especially with my education.
I think it’s very brave of you to be so honest right now and I hope you can cope more and more, these things can be so troubling but I’m sure it’ll be ok if you don’t let it control you for long.
I think many more people struggle from the kinds of anxieties you listed above than we realize. Largely because people just don’t talk about said issues.
And why the hell not?? We talk about our sex lives. We share ridiculous TMI stories. We gush about new lovers.
My point—yes, I have a point here—is you’re a stronger and braver soul than you give yourself credit for because you talk about this stuff out loud, here, in a very real way and in a very public forum, with your face and name attached. Bravo, lady. Bravo.
You were exceptionally brave about putting that out there.
I’ve done similar things discussing my tiny penis, bald spot and premature ejaculation.
I’m going to stop typing now.
I would “ditto” what Hannah said.
So many people struggle with varying degrees of these same feelings and it’s so rarely talked about. It’s gotten better than it was in our parents generation, but still, even admitting the words “I see a therapist” can make people uncomfortable. Which is sad.
Bravo to you for being so open about it; it’s the only way that these issues get out in the mainstream and become truly OK to talk about.
Bravo to you for putting that out there. I have taken meds in the past for depression/anxiety and thankfully they helped a lot. I don’t take them anymore but I do still suffer from anxiety at times and use to suffer from severe panic attacks as a child. My fiance has recently started suffering from anxiety as well which can be mostly blamed on wedding planning and having to live with me. Poor guy. I’ve driven him crazy apparently
Hope everything works out for you!
as a fellow blogger with an anxiety disorder (thank baby jesus for meds), i really appreciated this entry. e-high five.
Ooh, Jill!!! *hug* This is so personal, thank you for sharing it with us. It’s always difficult to blog about something with this much emotion, I know everybody already said it, but you really are brave. If you ever wanna talk or anything? You know where I am. Love you!!
xoxo
Jill, I’m so proud of you for sharing this with your blog readers. It was BRAVE. You’re an enigma – You’re brave when you’re panicking, and you rock my world.
Mental health is no joke. I have mine generally under control now, but there were years where it wasn’t. Thanks for being honest and open about it.
thank you for sharing this. it was done in an honest, articulate, classy way. i think more people should talk about this stuff, because seriously, who can’t relate to all of this in one way or another?
im thinking of you and im really glad that i got to meet such a wonderful person.
I’m sending you a picture from my housewarming last Friday to cheer you up. Now we’re even on blackmail material.
Love your face.
XOXO
Sending you love!
Very courageous to speak so honestly!!! ♥
I totally hear you on the anxiety thing. My favorite party trick is to have a panic attack about the possibility of having a panic attack. Fun for the whole family!
I definitely face my own mental health issues. You sound like you have learned to manage yours better than I have! Well, I do take medicine and see a therapist and do other “healthy” things. However, I struggle most with making sure I eat well and exercise regularly.
Cheers to making it through life as “normal” people…
Oh I know what you mean down to the last letter. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost 5 years (knock on wood) but not a day goes by when I don’t worry about the next one. I have mixed bi-polar disorder and panic attack syndrome. (isn’t everything a syndrome now??) It’s a horrible feeling to be trapped in your body and yet people like us just have to learn it to cope differently than others. I’m not saying its fair or unfair… it just really sucks ass sometimes. So yeah… I feel ya. Hope you keep your chin up.
I honestly think your anxiety disorder is BFFs with mine, because no matter what I do to cope with it, it always changes tactics on me.
I don’t know where I get my mental issues from. My mother is an alcoholic, which might have something to do with it, but no one in my family is medicated for mental health problems besides my younger sister and I.
I can’t say I know exactly what you’re going through, but you put it so well here that I can kind of relate. It pisses me off to NO END when I try to explain something about my personal issues and someone says “I know what you mean!”. I go from normal to raging in less than two seconds and I get so angry that I’ll yell and the rest of my day is gone to Hell. No, you don’t effing know what I mean, and saying that makes you sound insensitive and stupid! I take my mental and emotional health a lot more seriously than I take my physical health. In fact, the majority of my physical health problems are caused by my emotional instability and my anxiety.
I should probably be seeing a therapist, but I was really discouraged after the last one I saw (2007) and how it didn’t work out. We weren’t compatible at all. Also my current health insurance is the worst on the planet (NEVER go with Cigna, they don’t even cover regular vision checks!) so I’m not even going to fight with them on it. Not when I’ve made it this far on my own (does ‘on my own’ count if I’m taking medication?).
Can you trade places with my older sister? Because I think the way you own up and admit to your “differentness” is fucking amazing. She is 45…and still doesn’t have a handle on things. You, at 27, are leaps and bounds ahead of the pack. C’mon…I always wanted a little sister! ::hopeful face::
Oh my GOSH honey! That post made me feel sad and laugh (sometimes literally at the same time). You’re not alone in your boat though – I don’t have any roller coaster stories about my dad but there is one that includes a bowl of ammonia and bleach, and a couple deep breaths (read: suicide attempt. And a bad one, at that) – depression runs in my family. Totally suicidal as a teenager. Who knew, right?
Good for you for being so proactive about it! I bet there are not very many people at ALL who are as responsible as you. Yay Jill!
*hug*
Jill you are amazingly brave, honest, loving and all sorts of mushy things I am going to say to you when I am done typing this. I am so proud and happy to be by your side. The comments section of this post really means a lot too. There are good people in the world and I take back all the things I said about ‘the internet is just for pedophiles.’ I love you honey!
You are awesome, I love reading your blog. It’s hard to put stuff out there about anxiety/depression and the love for all pharmaceuticals…but I’m glad you did. My brain hates me most of the time too, and it also finds ways around the use of Effexor.
Having had an anxiety attack once I can only imagine what you go through. Thankfully, there is medication you can take. Take care of yourself!
i love you! this is so honest. and incredible.
and i suffered from an anxiety disorder in high school so i had to see a therapist, do yoga, take naps, color, take medication all to be able to function. so i know a teeny tiny bit of where you’re comin’ from.
jill, lovie, i’m so glad you posted this. and i’m giving you virtual hugs, seriously. you’re amazing!
That was incredibly fearless and classy and whatever else you said that I can’t remember!
Lots of people suffer from things like that. For example, I suffer terribly from depression and my family and best friend had no idea until about 2 months ago when I had a wee bit of a breakdown. Apparently, ‘crazy’ was also bestowed on me along with ’stubborn’ so I’m refusing to get professional help and am instead battling it all on my own with the help of The Boy and not my dad who prefers to pretend I’m fine and my mother who just occasionally tells me I’m dramatic/crazy.
Also The Boy found out a few weeks ago that his oldest friend has been battling social anxiety disorder for like six years now ….we used to just think he was REALLY not bothered and an anti-social loner! Whoops!
In conclusion, you’re amoung a great deal of crazy without even knowing it!
I wrote this amazing long post and got kicked off dammit. Short version: keep doing what you are doing and you will wear out your mind’s need to recreate an anxiety environment. Trust me I’m old. email me if you want follow up, but I know what I am talking about. Just keep going. Twenty isn’t forever. Things will mellow as you age, as long as you keep up the healing work. Plus, you are not your symptoms! you <- are awesome
It takes a lot to make me anxious. I think I am overly mellow. Like I’m stoned 24/7 but not dumb (b/c everyone knows pot makes you stupid… haha). I could use a little bit of your anxiety. I’d be happy to share some of my weed, um, I mean calmness with you. Let’s trade it up.
(I just read what I wrote and it totally sounds like I’m a drug dealer. I’m not. So please don’t call me asking for pharmaceuticals. I don’t have any. And I’m just as sorry as you are about that.)
I totally respect that you shared this…and I hope that it helps you in some way.
I think it’s fearless of you to post your personal battles bc it will let others know they are not alone out there. This was a great post and you should feel like you can say anything you want -it’s your awesome blog dammit!!
XOXO Amy (MG)
i am so glad you are finding a way to cope with anxiety. i know a few people with anxiety disorders and it is no picnic at all.
i think i am a nut case, but figure i am beyond repair so i have never been to a therapist or really tried to tweak myself into proper working order. and i fear i am getting worse. sigh. i guess i should add this to my lengthy ‘to-do’ list? ugh. i don’t know.
anyway, i hope things get better and better for you. i am not sure if anxiety is rooted in mental/chemical issues, or if there is another cause? maybe that point is moot, and it is best to focus treating it. i don’t know. and i am sorry for rambling. my mind is all over the map lately.
Isn’t it great to have such wonderful people in your life?
So, I wrote this last night and debated publishing it, but then I was all,”Fuck it.” Because I am both fearless and classy. And modest. And classy.*
THE funniest thing I have read ALL day.
And the cartoon? Completely burst out laughing.
You’re so brave and beautiful, lady. Some of the closest people to me deal with those same issues, and I know what a roller coaster it can be (or a log ride). Lots of love to you!
I think you are amazing, Jill. I don’t know you & I never have time to read all of my favorite blogs anymore, but yours is a must-read. You are honest, refreshing, and lovely to bits. I hope you get more sleep in the upcoming weeks – but I am glad you are able to be communicative about your struggles, I think it helps! xoxoxoxoxo.