I’m Okay, You’re Okay. Except I’m Not Really Okay. Unless Okay Means Bananas, Then I’m Totally Okay.
*So, I wrote this last night and debated publishing it, but then I was all,”Fuck it.” Because I am both fearless and classy. And modest. And classy.*
I’ve joked a lot about my anxiety disorder, here and here for example, and now I’m about to get all serious on your ass. And it may be a little, um, Oprah, so feel free to skip this post. Or if you need a good cry blackmail material, read on.
So here’s the thing, its currently 3:30 in the morning, I have to be in the office in a few short hours and I am not sleeping. Why? Well, see my body? It randomly decides it doesn’t require sleep. Or food. Or sanity.
Allow me to over share. I have, um, how do I put this delicately? Mental problems. It kind of, sort of runs in the family. Case in point: During one particular trip to an amusement park my father was cajoled into riding the log flume with my brothers and me. We got to the top of the highest hill, and my dad? He got out of the log. And scaled down the side of the ride to “safety.” This is not something normal people do.
I got all of my father’s crazy, manic, obsessive genes. With just a dash of my mother’s depression. Its quite pleasant. When looking back, I realize that I have always been a little (air quotes) different. Seriously, my first grade teacher described me as intense. True story. I was an intense six-year-old. And, hey, guess what? I am way more intense at 27 than I ever could have dreamed of at the age of 6.
My very closest friends know about my struggles with my mental/emotional health. I see a therapist, a psychiatrist, I take medication, I eat well, I exercise, I meditate. In short, I take my mental/emotional health very seriously. You know how some people are health nuts? I am like a mental health nut. That being said, 2009 has not been the greatest year for me. Starting in January I began really struggling with my anxiety disorder. I had stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep, I was in and out of the hospital. I had a myriad of physical symptoms that, in the end, all turned out to be the result of stress (read, craziness). I started seeing my therapist weekly. I went through a lot of med changes. I dropped too much weight. For months I thought that this was just the way my life was going to be. And slowly, with the support of Ben and some very good friends and a very, very good therapist, things started to get better. Over the last couple of months things have gotten so much better. I feel like a normal person again. Usually. Not right now though.
The thing is, my anxiety disorder? Its smart. It changes. When I figure out new ways to cope, my anxiety figures out new ways to attack. One of the more recent developments is waking up in the middle of a panic attack. I wake up shaking, cold sweat, heart pounding, short of breath, on the verge of tears. The first few times it happened, the attack was so intense I would just pace for hours. Now, I’ve learned to cope. I just have to ride it out, wait for the adrenaline to clear my system. When friends ask me what it feels like to have a panic attack, I stab them in the face. Because that’s what it feels like. But worse.
Note: I have never been stabbed in the face, at least not yet, so I’m kind of guessing here.
So yeah, I’m not even sure where I was going with this. Basically what I’m saying is being crazy is not as fun as it sounds. Like when people say things like, “Oh man, we had a crazy good time last night,” they are making it sound like hearing voices is fun. Hearing voices is not fun, unless those voices are telling you where to score some sweet pharmaceuticals , that’s actually pretty fun.
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