Dearest Mr. Jesus,
Far be it from me to critique your awesome skills. I mean you created dinosaurs and Walmart, so you know, Jesus 2, me 0. But I would like to make a small suggestion. When you created the world and shit, I think you made a slight miscalculation in the number of hours required to get things done in the day. See, 24 hours? Not even close to enough. Or actually, it would totally be enough it weren’t for the sleeping thing. The way I see it we have two possible solutions here:
1. Extend the day by 8 hours, or
2. Redesign humans so that we no longer require sleep
Also? While we’re fixing things? Maybe you could like cure some diseases or something too. I’m flexible on that though. I’m really more concerned with the longer day thing. Oh! Alternate solution! You know all those hours I spent at mass, maybe you could give those back? Not that I don’t love mass, and cherish all those awesome times we had together. Just a suggestion…
So, in closing, please fix my problem as I am the center of the universe and the hungry orphans can suck it.
Your Sister In You,
Jill Pilgrim
P.S. Please don’t send me hate mail about how offensive it is to make fun of hungry orphans. For the record, I am totally pro-orphan.
P.P.S. If you have any suggestions for Jesus, feel free to leave them here. He totally reads my blog regularly. And lives in Mexico. Evidence can be found below.
Ahhhh, sorry to have to fact check ya, but Jesus came after dinosaurs, soooo…it was actually His Dad.
However, Walmart you are completely historically accurate with.
Life isn’t so bad, huh? Don’t cry. I can’t stand to see girls cry, I will totally make *this* goofy face just to make you cheer up, and while amusing? it undermines my dignity. And that’s all I have left.
Hahah love this and I agree. I need more hours in the day! 8 might just be enough…
Hahahaha. Your MS paints are the best ever. You kill me. xoxo
Actaully, Jesus lives in Overland Park, Kansas. He mows my yard every Tuesday. Good guy. Not much of an English speaker, though.
Pro-orphan? Hm, just as long as you’re not so pro-orphan that you start actively murderin’ parents. ’cause that is, in my understanding, a sure way to get Jesus to unsubscribe you from his RSS reader.
hahaahah I was already laughing but the pro-orphan thing slayed me. I guess I would ask Jesus why he created so many awesome snack foods when being fat is unhealthy. It’s so unfair. I love a good snack.
I believe that is Senor Jesus to you, Missy.
Also, sometimes your math problems go higher than 10 and it is hard.
Hola Jesus! Ay papi!!!
Umm…more hours in the day means I don’t get stood up…JUST SAYIN.
Off to prevent early onset with your math problem!
Dear Jesus,
I need about tree fiddy.
I always assumed that Mr. Jesus lived in Missouri, since, you know, that’s where the Garden of Eden is. According to the Mormons.
Sleeping is soooo overrated. I wrote in twitter this morning while I can sleep as late as I want like – was 5 years ago, but 5 years ago I could wake up only two hours later and now I wake up 6 hours later. Makes me very less productive. Argh. I need to have body that doesn’t require that much sleep.
Hmmmm….How about teleportation? That would make things much easier for me. Not sure if that is science or Jesus, though. Maybe Jesus can inspire science. I feel so much better about not going to church ever (okay, sometimes on Christmas) now that I know your website is a much more direct route to Mexican Jesus.
Jesus to do list continued:
4. re-stock hot pockets
5. compliment 3 people today
6. work out
7. impress girl at the gym with family lineage
8. wonder why girl at gym is not impressed with family lineage
9. mail in audition tape for The Real World
10. Drink more homemade wine and pass out on futon
Dear Jesus, how’s about you make an eight-week summer vacation mandatory for all human beings, worldwide, young or old, in sick or in health, come hell or high water? That would be great. Thanks.
I’m so tired.
Let’s go with option A, okay? I mean not needing sleep would be a’ight, but I do love me a Sunday afternoon nap in the sun…
Didn’t Jesus place Angelina and Brad on this Earth to take care of that pesky hungry orphan problem?? Just sayin.
I think it’s about time he owns up to creating The Gay.
Do you think he could make a constant state of weekend happen. I’m over weekdays.
Wouldn’t it be faster for Jesus to just – POOF – make himself drunk all the time instead of going through the hassle of water-to-wine conversions?
I mean, if he can roll a giant stone out of the way when he’s dead, giving himself a constant 0.18 BAC shouldn’t be that tough.
i like your suggestion to jesus and hope he follows through.
also jesus, if you’re reading this comment, please make mandatory half day fridays for all of us.
thankyou.
If Jesus listens to anybody, he’ll listen to you.
Hilarious post
If I’m Jewish, will Jesus still let me have an extra 8 hours?
seriously your best Paint Picture to date, full of win, covered in awesome sauce, forever and ever amen. until you one-up yourself of course. hilarious!
I wonder if Jesus wants to hit up happy hour with me tonight for some wine. Thursday nights at the Independent have 1/2 price bottles of wine. I think he and I could totally get in on that shiz. I mean, he didn’t actually make the wine they sell there but I’m sure he could use his magic fingers and make it all tasty like he did or something like that. Either way, I don’t discriminate and I will drink it.
Lol, cute post.
Yes, I am a fan of idea about changing us so we don’t need sleep. Or at least less of it.
dear, dear jesusy jesus,
lotto? lotto+becky=happy becky=happy chuck=happy world. and i would totally share will jillee because we would have a group marriage. just sayin’.
love forever and ever and also ever,
becky
ps maybe those hungry orphans should GET A JOB! jesus! christ!
lmfao!!!!!!!!! i SOOOOOOO AGREE!!!!
orphan hater
haha
Dear Jesus, I know that it’s awfully Old Testament of me, but I have a list of people that I would love for you to smite. Can we make this happen?
Oooo, I just solved your hungry orphan problem! They can all just eat each other! And then some will be dead but the others will be FULL!
But still orphans. Have Jesus look into that part. I can’t do EVERYTHING.
Can jesus lower corporate TAXES PLEASE!
HAHAHA that illustration kills it. good work my dear! i’m sure jesus loves your blog!!!!!!! and yes i agree… extension of the day would be awesome! x
Dear Jesus: What were the years called during the 32 years you were alive? B.C? No…A.D? Of course not, you weren’t dead yet… D.C? During Christ?? How egotistical!!
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