Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming
Hey, guess what? I am never moving again. I am going to die in this place. You see, my system is delicate and cannot handle things like “change,” or stuff that is “new,” or anything that is not “exactly the way it should be.”
Don’t get me wrong, I was so incredibly excited to move. I HATED the place where Ben and I were living. Or rather, I HATED the management company at our last apartment. Specifically one particular woman named Jackie. Jackie was either in her late 50’s/early 60’s or she just lived really hard. Also? She was gigantic and could have snapped me in half. Lastly? She was a bitch. Who made me want to punch people. And by people I mean her. A little sampling of our some of out more recent interactions:
Jill vs. Jackie Round 1
Jill is throwing away junk mail in the mail room trash basket.
Enter Jackie.
Jackie: You can’t throw that in there.
Jill: Why?
Jackie: That’s for paper only.
Jill: This is paper.
Jackie: That’s mail. I don’t know that there’s only paper in that mail. You have to throw that out in your apartment.
Jill: What do you think is in these envelopes? Rocks? Its paper, Jackie.
Jackie: You have to throw that away in your apartment. You can’t throw that away here.
Jill throws the rest of her junk mail in the basket and walks out, trying to resist the urge to light Jackie on fire.
Jill vs. Jackie Round 2
Jill walks into the management office to drop off a rent check.
Jackie: We got a noise complaint in your building.
Jill: I know, I made the complaint.
Jackie: Well, I have to tell everyone in your building to keep their televisions turned down.
Jill: I made the complaint because the guy on the first floor was practicing his bass. Connected to an amp. Its not an issue with tv volume.
Jackie: I got a note this morning and that’s not what it said.
Jill: Jackie, tell the guy on the first floor to unplug his amp.
Jackie: You and Ben just keep your tv turned down.
Jill (smiling at Jackie): Thank God we’re moving out of here.
Jill leaves management office plotting ways to light Jackie on fire and not get caught.
Jill vs. Jackie Round 3
A massive thunderstorm has just ended. The electricity has just come back on. The fire department is in the parking lot.
Jackie knocks on Jill’s door.
Jill: Hey Jackie, what can I do for you?
Jackie: Are you smoking in here?
Jill: No, I don’t smoke.
Jackie: Does Ben smoke?
Jill: No, he doesn’t. And he’s not even here. Why?
Jackie: An alarm went off in the building.
Jill: Well, the electricity went off and the emergency lights came on. Its probably because of that.
Jackie: No someone was smoking in here. I smell smoke.
Jill: Yeah, because there’s like a tree or something on fire. That’s why the fire department in here.
Jackie: Can I come and look around?
Jill: No.
Jill slams door in Jackie’s face in order to prevent punching Jackie. Prays Jackie gets hit by rogue lightning strike.
And that is why I couldn’t wait to move the fuck out of a little town called Newmarket, NH.
In less stroke inducing news, the new place is so incredibly wonderful. I am in love. More on that next time. Currently my husband is yelling at me about some blowjobs I owe him or something, I can’t really hear him. He might be asking me to take the dog out. Or he could be screaming at the baseball players on the tv. Just to be safe I’m going to walk into the living room, rip Ben’s pants off, take the dog out, and break the tv. All in a day’s work, my friends.
Oh how I’ve missed thee and thou’s hilarity!! (I’m playing a li’l blog catch-up…)
God, I would have burnt her house down, though I don’t doubt that you were totally lighting up in your apartment. Enjoy those BJ’s!
jackie sounds like an annoying hall monitor to me.
good riddance.
Ahahaha
ew what a bitch!! I hate dealing with them =( There are quite a few bitchy lifeguards (males included) who take their jobs a tad too seriously considering lifeguards at normally teenagers, not middle aged men with no hair on their head and hair everywhere else!
Ugh the management at my old apartment complex was full of incompetant nitwits who didn’t communicate with each other and just liked to make up the rules as they went along and charge you for things that were probably illegal for them to charge people for. Thank god I moved out. My new landlord (aka my fiance) is way hotter and way better in bed!
The only thing worse than a petty bitch is a stupid petty bitch. Jackie must die. Or, you know, live and let live. Either way.
Oh Jill Pilgrim, how I have missed thee…
I would have paid money to see a face off between you and Jackie. Our old landlords were crazy too and I was SO excited to move this past May.
Now that it’s done, I will never do it again. (at least until I come to hate these landlords too.)
You’re my hero. The way you handle the management people, not the blowjob and walking the dog thing.
HAAAHA hilarious as always! And Jackie SO reminds me of my next door neighbor (minus his gun and crazier elderly mother)…
And I know what you mean about moving! I just finished doing the picking-out-clothes-for-goodwill-to-save-space bit. Ulg.
Jill, isn’t Newmarket supposed to be a really hip and young town? Jackie seems rather unhip and a tad delusional.
I want to punch Jackie. Glad you like your new place!
Hi
Thanks for the great blog post Jill.
There are asshats everywhere. I had one who knocked on our apartment door once and said we were flushing the toilet too much.
I’m glad you moved.
I love your humor.
All the best,
@RKCharron
xoxo
God I hate it when they get all uppity about the blow jobs. And baseball.
CLEARLY! you? are a saint! A SAINT! and clearly the fact that you are a saint is the only reason that “woman” is still alive. we’ve got one of those at the apt and her name’s elizabeth and she is a WHORE! an old, saggy WHORE!
way to go on the completion of the movage.
i would have kinda liked a drawing of jackie on fire. or at least you kicking her in the box or something. sheesh. why the hell do i even come here?
missed you, lady! am so happy you’re back!!
You should have punched her. I can’t believe that she wanted to inspect your apartment just to see that you weren’t lying to her.
I love you. I hate that bitch Jackie and I’m so glad you don’t have to deal with her anymore!
And we can use all the plates at our wedding! Just sayin…
Now, I hate Jackie. Seriously. What is up with people like that. At least, she makes for a great blog post, so I guess, not all is lost! Glad your new place is much better
Good thing you got away from Newmarket before you lit a woman on fire…multiple times. Yikes
Congrats on the new place!! How fun!
I had no idea ‘ripping his pants off and taking the dog out’ was a new euphemism for blowjobs.
My wife hasn’t taken the dog out in a long time.
Wow. She sounds like a winner. Congrats on the move!
I commend your self control. She sounds like a gem.
Followed a link from Lilu and have been “lurking” for a few days…really like what I’ve read so far!
We totally had a similar idiot apartment lady at the last place I lived. It got to the point where I just turned around and walked away if she was the one working on a given day. It wasn’t worth the stress of trying to to scream at her every time she couldn’t answer my question :p.
Congrats on your new home! Getting moved is a pain but once it’s all set up, you’ll get to relax and enjoy it
.
you are too much. I really enjoy reading your blog. thanks for always stopping by mine! so happy you’re in love with your new place!
Jackie sounds like a huge bitch. Glad you’re all moved in and blogging again!
Oh MY God, that woman is a headcase!!!!! At least you’re done with her!!!!
I’m glad you helped knock Jackie off her high horse. That horse was probably struggling something fierce under her fat ass. What a bitch.
oh we used to have the creepiest landlord….I get chills thinking about him. That and the poo water that leaked into my family room from the tenant above. I do not miss that place…other than the close proximity (read: next door) to my favorite bar.
Mail is SO paper! Beotch!
Moving is such a pain. At least you’re outta there!
I have a Jackie! ‘cept her name is Monique. And she talks like every sentence is a question.
Ha, you crack me up! Glad you love your new place, sounds amazing! Thanks for your congrats on my jog, I enjoyed it but not the sore and tired feeling after!
Wow, what an asshole, and a dumb asshole at that..
Jackie sounds like she needs to get laid. Thank gawd, you’re outta that hell hole.
That Jackie person has serious issues. She’s probably just jealous because she’s old and will die soon, while you’re living the life and have another 60+ years ahead of you. Oh, and you’re such a good wife
So, as you were moving out, did you set Jackie’s face on fire?
Hmmm…
Hmmm….
I yell at the tv all the time. Sports-related, even.
I get eye-rolls and tut-tuts.
Ben, should you read this, I envy you. Want some eye-rolls and tut-tuts?
I would love to punch Jackie. Maybe you should…the day you move out, you know?:)
Moving definitely sucks… I’m currently thinking about trying to find a new apartment…
I don’t think I could deal with someone like Jackie. Dead fish in her vents. Hell, dead fish in the face.
You are amazing and Jackie is not amazing, that’s that.
Loved this post.
Was she fat? Because I’m imagining a fat person.
She sounds super peachy. And about as intelligent as our management. Hooray for moving; I hope your new place is much better!
Does this mean we’ll be treated to more uncomfortably-serious self portraits with an entirely new piece of furniture in the background?!
(Well done on moving in
Sheez! What a total A hole that woman sounds!!! Someone should and must take her out immediately with some over the top artillery because I don’t want her fouling up the environment – the environment being the earth. So with you on not moving – so over that too – high five!
Dude seriously, your blog is like my fav, you crack me the hell up! your humor is awesome! love it!!
on another note… you should go light her on fire now since you moved