Wherein I Prove That Reality TV Is Actually An Elaborate Plan To Keep Me From Murdering The Homeless
Hey, guess what? I love really bad reality tv. Like, if more than 50% of the cast has VD, I am totally sold. Giant fake breasts? Yes, please. Bleach blond extensions made from horse hair? Gigantic, poorly applied false lashes? Collagen filled lips that look on the verge of busting open? Yes, yes, yes. The question, so often asked by my husband, is why. Hmm, good question. Because here’s the thing, when I’m watching this bad reality tv, I’m not laughing and smiling. I am, however, yelling and threatening to break the television. So, Ben’s confusion? Understandable.
Have you ever seen that show The Pickup Artist? It is fucking awful. Its like the single worst thing humans have ever created. The basic premise, is that this totally weird guy (named Mystery. seriously.) will teach all of these other totally weird guys how to pickup women. He imparts such wisdom as, “You can’t be too nice to a woman. You have to compliment her and then be a total asshole, and then its blow job city!” Or, “All women are like little girls. Blah blah blah, something offensive.” Are you understanding what a giant douche bag this guy is? Because here’s the thing, if I saw him on the street, I would punch him in the face and gladly spend the night in prison. I hate this man. I hate the gigantic fuzzy hats he wears. I hate the goggles he wears over said fuzzy hat. I would like to make this man eat his fuzzy hat, while I punch him in the face, while he confesses that he’s a virgin, and also he’s crying. It looks a little like this:
The point? My guilty pleasure is not bad tv. My guilty pleasure is uncontrollable indignant rage. I had this epiphany today while watching Megan Wants A Millionaire. And frankly? I’m a little scared of myself. I’m also afraid for our television which came dangerously close to getting broken today. There was an incident. A shoe throwing incident. Luckily that shoe was a slipper, so all was safe.
So, I think I learned something new about myself today. You know how some women need to just cry it out now and again? And the catharsis is just like the most awesome anti-depressant ever? I release all of that pent up lady emotion, by yelling the following at the tv, “Bitch, so help me Jesus if I ever see you on the street I am going to make you eat that fucking ridiculous hat. Ben? Get the bail money ready. I am going to call into work next week so I can stalk this guy and unleash violence all over him.” Then I feel better. I mean, its a better outlet than killing homeless folk, right? I mean, who knows what I might do if I didn’t have reality tv to direct all of my anger towards? So, in closing, thank you reality tv for keeping me from murdering real live humans.
lol Yea, I think it’s safe to say that this is better than you killing homeless people! I’ll vote in favour of this!
It’s quite likely that you are my new favorite blogger.
Also, thank you for not killing people. Its not nice.
a thousand times yes. i’m sure you know of my love for awful reality television. in fact, i’m sitting here right now waiting for the antonio sabato jr. dating show. can we take on mystery together?
I don’t watch a lot of reality tv because it makes me CRAZY. But I clicked on that link to check out Mystery and OOHHH MYYYY GAWWWD, I am laughing so hard I got tears in my eyes!! hahahaha!! Good stuff
omgggggg. tears. streaming down my face from laughter. oh how i heart you, jill pilgrim. first i started laughing at the sheer douchebaggery of mystery when i clicked on the link. then, i laughed about you “gladly spending the night in prison” because it reminded me of my favorite thing to tell new boyfriends of my friends — that if they break her heart i will cheerfully beat him to death. anyway. sometimes i am violent. is okay. no worries. have never beaten anyone to death. at least not cheerfully. ahem. annnnnyway…
i then continued to giggle over the image of a man eating a fuzzy hat. ha! so funny.
and to all these people who constantly say “you’re my new favorite blogger,” i say: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
also. YOU WOULD THINK AFTER COMMENTING ON EVERY FRIGGIN’ ENTRY, I WOULD REMEMBER TO DO THE MATH THING.
bahahha!!! love this!!! i find vh1 programming to be the absolute trashiest, and i spend a fair amount of time there. i love it! it makes me laugh and hoot and howl. and it probably makes me feel better than the dolts that are “starring” on these shows. yes, i know how herky jerky that sounds, but whatever.
p.s. i, too, have a huge amount of rage. reality tv somehow might soothe the beast. and how can that be bad?
p.s. the pick up artist is a TOTAL FUCKING RETARD TOOL! he is hideous. revolting. and i cannot imagine a single female on planet earth EVER hooking up with him. EVER.
oh good lord – i saw that whatever wants a millionaire one time. my favorite part? when the one guy was like ‘you only need to hear one thing. if we get married, i wont make you sign a prenup.’ guess which one she picked first in the elimination TO STAY? doucheprenup himself.
I’m drawn to reality show trainwrecks. I gave up on The Bachelor and Bachelorette a while ago, but give me Rock of Love and I will tune in weekly to watch the unclassy behavior… terrible. While I’ve never watched The Pickup Artist, I’m familiar with Mystery because of a book called “The Game” by Neil Strauss. Pretty interesting/entertaining read about Mystery’s pickup artist school or whatever it is. Haha!
hahahahahahaha you SLAY ME. Also, the pick up artist is a VIRGIN who likes dudes. And that little dark haired side kick of his gives me the CREEPS.
Also, I like to use to CAPS for EMPHASIS. I am not yelling at you.
I LOVE YOU.
Also, I am so angry all of the time, so VHI is my therapy.
OMFG…you are so very very funny and so very very correct! I loved this!
I love really trashy reality TV.. Mystery however is the bane of my existence.
You just described how I would react if I were ever to encounter the nasty hoes on Bridezillas. Pigs in wedding dresses – I’ve never been so angry at people I’ve never met before…now that is good TV!
Hahaha…TGIRT! My guilty pleasure is the Real Housewives show. Love those bitches.
That’s why God invented ‘Big Brother.’
You get all your anger out watching the regular show, then get to masturbate watching ‘Big Brother After Dark’ on Showtime.
I may need professional help.
For me, it’s the teen version of cribs or sweet 16. I’m amazed every time one of these kids puts together a coherent sentence.
-timoteo
One word…BRIDEZILLAS!!! That is my reality guilty pleasure. Those women are horrendous human beings. I can only pray that it is actually scripted b/c people can’t really be that awful. Fiance has to either leave the room or drink a lot of beer while I have that on t.v.
btw your math question spam filter…if it ever goes beyond simple 2+2 crap I’ll never be able to comment again. Me + Math = Almost not graduating high school.
making you happy is the only redeeming aspect of those shows. you are like superwoman or something to be able to withstand the douchebag radiation. it is my kryptonite. is it like a prerequisite that the people in these shows must have a skim of ick over them? have they no soap and indoor plumbing?
also, these women spend forever in front of mirrors to look…like that? example: charm school.
me: lesbian. them: taking a break from stripping career to be on show. probable conclusion? i would be tuned in weekly with a fuck yeah! attitude. actual reaction? revulsion. wtf? reality tv has removed the appeal of the most basic of guilty pleasures…sluts.damn them.
i can’t count how many shoes have been thrown while watching the real world and other generally absurd shows (ahem, the bachelor).
The hubs refused to watch some shows with me because I spend the entire time screaming wh*re at the screen. Ah ha. You aren’t alone.
WHEW! I’m glad I’m not the only person who throws shoes at the TV. During the first season of Charm School on vH1 I refused to wear non-flipflops because the danger to the screen would be too high. I mean seriously, wedge sandal destroys off-brand TV every day of the week.
See THIS is why I only watch shows that I can see on the internet! Cuts down on my fight or flight reactions from this crap….the one time I saw the Pick Up Artist was at least a year or two ago, and they were using some stupid hand trick to say that people gravitated towards each other. I threw up in my mouth a little bit…but kept watching. It’s a disease. (freaking hilarious blog, by the way)
*writes that down* Be really nice…then a total asshole…BLOW JOB CITY!!!
And, do most of your blog posts involve a hand-drawn piece of art like this? Because, if so, BLOW JOB CITY…er…I mean…genius. Pure, unadulterated BLOW JOB CITY genius.
Sorry…I seem to have a one-track BLOW JOB CITY today.
The trashier the show is, the better. hahaha.
I understand this completely! Rock of Love and Charm School with the tattooed girls, damn. See I have a thing for heavily tattooed girls, but those shows just remind me that I am a threat to humanity and the stupid population. I may have throw the remote once… or twice.
People often ask why we havent invested in a super awesome 52″ Plasma TV for our living room. Now you all know the answer. A better investment would be a 3/4″ thick plexi-glass wall between our couch and the TV. Home Depot here I come!
oh im with you.
and im hands down addicted to them all.
ps- IT WAS SO GOOD TO MEET YOU ON FRIDAY!!!
I’m getting greaat at adding and shit whith your spam protection filter thingymabob.
You know, we had a guy her in Atlanta named, no joke, Flip Spiceland that I hated. I only watched 11Alive in the mornings so I could yell at him, shake my fist at him and flip (tee hee) him off while letting him know that a 2 year old could do his job (”oh, you say it’s gonna rain today? you are a fucking liar, you fucking liar!” *insert angry flip off, flip off, flip off…flip off once more, throw pillow at tv, turn sobbing into other pillows, one last flip off*). My husband never understood, just laughed at me. I would always say, “if I knew where the 11Alive offices were I would get dressed right now, drive over there, punch him in the face, and then come back home to laugh at him while he tried to report the NON-WEATHER with a huge, fat lip!”. And then one day he was gone. Like, totally gone. Wasn’t on for, like, a week. And they had a different guy. Chesley, I think is his name. And he was so nice and sweet looking that I just smiled and was content with the fact that he didn’t know the weather either. Then I found our Flip had lost his contract (probably because he never smiled and always looked angry, like the kinda guy that would be a total downer at a keg party). THEN I found out that the 11Alive station is something like a 5 minute walk from my home. Like, right down the street. Not even a half mile.
I don’t know where that was going, but I thought I would share anyway.
Oh yeah, and MTV reality shows make me want to tear out my eyes and puncture my eardrums. Except for “Cribs”.
but apparently not getting better at spelling
I have started watching “More To Love”. OMG. I think that man only agreed to do the show to make out w/ every single one of the women. He didn’t even wait until the 2nd episode to stick his tongue down their throats. Ridiculous.
Hahahaha! So true!
Well…I have ‘addictive personality’to begin with,
reality tv is one of them! helooo, my name is Guilty!
bahhhh…
Great week darlin’
xo*
Ha ha!!
blogging helps me not kill people as well.
tonight your saved three homeless people’s lives.
um, just so you know, your meth comment KILLED. fucking loved it. so i owe you some sort of prize or something for best comment of the day. you are the winner, for sure.
later, man!
thanks lovely!
hope you’re
having a fab
day!:) ♥
“My guilty pleasure is uncontrollable indignant rage.”
AMEN.
Lately, I think I have screamed, ‘SO HELP ME I WILL, IN FACT, KILL YOU!” at least once a day. I also threatened to get my video editor fired today if he didn’t stop being such a jackoff. Yes. Uncontrollable rage? Does the trick sometimes.
Thank goodness your TV isn’t broken. I bet husband wouldn’t be too happy about that.
Come find a little sugar on my blog…
Because I’m obsessed with you. And I want a hug. And what are you doing tonight?!
I’d tell you a story. hahaha
That picture is awesome. You really nailed his hat. TV pisses me off too. I mean, how are people that dumb even alive? Seriously. Also, totally random, but, my V’s initials are VD (no middle name). True story. I hope to give my future children names that go along with STD. It’ll be great.
Lol I can totally relate! I hate reality TV on a level where I know it is rubbish, BUT I can watch it obsessively for hours while getting angry and gasping and awhing and whatever!
If uncontrollable indignant rage is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
HAhahaha – a woman to my own heart. I have to admit I have stopped watching TV purely because of the idiots that take up airspace.. have you seen big brother. Where, oh where are these specimens found?
Hey!!!
You have an awesome talent!
Thanks sooooooooo much for your lovely comments on my blog!
YOU did the guest post on It’s Unbeweable!!! It took me a moment to switch! Ol’ lady, you know…
I just love your sense of humor! It’s amazing! Although I don’t know the shows you’re writing about I can imagine HOW hilarious they might be
Will add you to my blogroll to enjoy reading all your posts always!
Happy Tuesday!!
xoxo sofie
Hahaha, if you think about it, yelling at the tv is really cathartic, and way better than actually starting to hate people that you really like in real life.
Ahh, thanks for the laugh. I have to warily admit to having the same temperament when it comes to crappy tv. AKA yell at tv screen. It works, gets rid of the aggravation….hmmm, what does that say about our dispositions?
Also, I’ve seen ads for that douchbag of a reality show (the Pickup Artist). I think I’d rather gauge my eyes out than watch that. I was disgusted with just the trailers…I foresee some slipper throwing if I actually watched an episode.
Lol!
Have a great week
Oh. My. Goodness. Your picture? Amazing. And you’re self revelation? Absolutely genius. We may be twins. I am addicted to rage, not the drama that enduces it.
Wth would any millionare want a Charm School dropout as a “trophy wife”?
Inquiring minds want to know!