What I Did On My Summer Vacation, OR Why Summer Is Not Conducive To People With My Affliction
By Jill Pilgrim
So, this is not really a report on my summer vacation, but I did go to the beach this weekend and that’s about as summery as I’ve gotten all season.
Here’s the thing, I know this may be a tad unpopular, but I kind of hate summer. Humidity (my hair’s natural predator), mosquitoes, temperatures above 70 (not smart enough to get the little degree sign in here, but picture it anyway) F? Not my scene.
Even as a kid, I dreaded summer. I always loved school (cough:nerd:cough) and hated being at home for three months with nothing but summer reading and “fun” to keep me occupied. See, I have a just a touch of the OCD and require lots of structure in my life in order to maintain any semblance of sanity. The idea of long summer days filled with nothing? Fucking shoot me. I have never been able to enjoy a day of nothing. I’ve got shit to do people! Things to be cleaned, work to be done, items to be listed on ebay, languages to be learned (learnt? learned? maybe I need to work on my English too? adding that to the list), blog posts to be written, runs to be had, facial masks to be applied, and (lets not forget) an hour of relaxation to be meditated. <- Seriously, my to-do list for today
Summer, with all its frigging expectations of relaxed days, offends me.
You hear that Summer?! You are the Heidi Montag of seasons. Which is to say, you make me want to kill the baby Jesus (just kidding Jesus. Jesus gets it guys, don’t worry, He’s cool).
So that’s my confession. I don’t like summer. And I also hate kittens. And I also don’t touch door knobs with my bare hands. And I always ask people who have recently returned from the bathroom if they washed their hands. And I wasn’t kidding about the OCD. Hold me?
Hahahaha…Those pictures! And “The Heidi Montag of seasons.” I cannot deal with humidity either. My hair turns into a giant fro that probably very closely resembles your gym lady’s overgrown bush.
omggggg. last fall when we were in san diego, i was all “gosh dang, i’d like to live by the ocean but not if it’s going to make me want to shave my head every damn day.”
in other words, feel your pain, sista.
also, EFFING MOSQUITOES. they are the lamest bugs on earth. i grew up in a small town in eastern MT right on the river bottom. OUR SKEETERS HAVE LANDING GEAR.
lastly, when you get done with your to do list, come to my house. i will school you in the fine art of being lazy pants.
Brooke- Dude, me too! My hair is so not impressed with humidity, as evidenced by my beach photo.
Rae- Ahahaha- love it!! And yes, seriously, EFFING MOSQUITOES!! I’m consistently convinced that I have West Nile Virus. Its a bad scene man.
Brb fapping furiously to this picture of you.
If it weren’t humid…and it weren’t retardedly hot…and I could do stuff besides work…I might actually like summer. I, personally, prefer fall. Sigh.
Does Jesus really have dreads?
Hmmm… I have more summer clothes than winter clothes so that’s like the only reason I like summer. But I hear ya on the humidity and mosquitoes. Yuck.
Came across your blog from some other bloggers, and I’m glad I did. MS paint drawings can really solidify an argument, especially when you use the graffiti tool for Jesus’ hair.
Asif- Oh sir, how you flatter me!
Stephanie- Dude, autumn is the balls. And, actually? Jesus recently got a perm after watching too many hours of Rage Against The Machine – Live at The Grand Olympic Auditorium. He’s a big Zack de la Rocha fan. I think it looks good on him.
Ari- See, living in New England? With 11.5 months of winter? My winter wardrobe is considerably larger.
imitsky- I find all of my arguements are enhanced by visual aids. Also, welcome to The Pilgrim Congress! Its like the carnival, but with less inappropiate touching. And more throwing up.
I fucking hate summer because my hair fro’s, and I can’t wear cute clothes. And I hate kittens too! FINALLY, I feel so free saying that. They are the Heidi Montag of pets, if I may borrow from you….
Umm I’m going to email you but I fucking love you dude. I am going through HELL right now but I know I gotta get through this to get to the other side. Thank you for being such a good friend and support to me, this girl crush is getting really intense. I wish we lived closer so you could get me drunk. And draw me pictures. Can I get that summer one? DUDE. I want to do a giveaway with you art! OMG seriously.
I fucking hate summer because my hair fro’s, and I can’t wear cute clothes. And I hate kittens too! FINALLY, I feel so free saying that. They are the Heidi Montag of pets, if I may borrow from you….
Umm I’m going to email you but I fucking love you dude. I am going through HELL right now but I know I gotta get through this to get to the other side. Thank you for being such a good friend and support to me, this girl crush is getting really intense. I wish we lived closer so you could get me drunk. And draw me pictures. Can I get that summer one? DUDE. I want to do a giveaway with your art! OMG seriously.
Umm I don’t get wordpress…I was anal and saw I said “you art” rather than “your art”…and now you have 2 comments. OH WAIT MAKE THAT THREE.
oh, jillee you make me laugh. i hate sweat. there, i said it, it may be unpopular. i just hate sweat and summer=sweat. erGO, i totally feel you on this one. howEVER, i like “doing nothing.” if by nothing you mean reading or swimming or having a lot of sex.
ps i am also going to… “fap” to your picture beCAUSE, i mean, who can resist a good fap? not me. and also, fapping.
I’m so with you, jill. I HATE summer despite my fondness to beach and summer cocktails. It makes going out annoying, I like mild cool weather. I even like it when it rains. Not the heats poking my eyes, for sure. Altho when you say 70+F is hot I kinda feel bad, we hace 77f in our coolest temperature here, 77F and rainy and people bring their jackets everywhere LOL. The tropic got 80ish degrees usually.
I also hate summer.
And, as you, I also live in New Hampshire.
We may need to check the goddamn water around here.
My guess it’s because cats swam in it.
If Jesus got offended easily I would have been smited before I reached puberty.
Smit? Smited? Hmm.
Hopefully he’s not a grammar freak either.
Love the bald spot you’re sporting on the picture of you. It’s pretty appealing. Make sure when you take your one beach trip a year, that you cover it in SPF 75.
Liz- I love you, the end. Also? My site fucked up your comment is retribution for your blog eating my novel of a comment on Saturday. I’m leaving them there so that the Comment God doesn’t get angry. I think we’re even now.
Becky- I fapped to your comment about fapping, so excited was I.
Andhari- Dude, I admire your ability to survive in heat year round! You are a better woman than I.
moooooooog- LIVE FREE OR DIE! That is all.
LiLu- Yeah people totally underestimate Jesus and his ability to take a joke.
Katie- Thank you for saying so! I get so self conscious!
Yeah, Florida. 95 today. ergo i’m generally somewhat of a mess. and i’m a rehead who doesn’t tan. do a drawing of me…freckles on top, bright white on t-jeans area, niiice look.
i’m down with all of your adorable idiosyncrasies…but don’t quiz grown folks behavior. 1) they’ll lie and 2) you need kids to do that. kids! mwahahhahahahaa we can control them! they must answer to us!
Dude, you know I’m living for fall!! I can’t get behind your sorry view of kittens though. Ah ha
OCD is good, stops you from ever being attacked by the Reds (whom I know for a fact spray poison on door knobs)
The Summer is a bit of a dick with it’s self-esteem overdose and lack of stuff to do.
Don’t take it out on Heidi Montag though…the summer’s not that bad!
the heidi montag of seasons?!?! hilarious.
now im not with you on the summer thing, as i love it, but fall is my favorite – but i also am not a fans of kittens (although lilus are *kinda* cute)
Alyx- Indeed. The children, I control them.
Kristin- Dude, I am dreaming of fall as we speak. Er, write. Whatever.
Conor- Well, thank Jesus for my OCD then! I’ll be the lone survivor of the door knob attacks. Who will be laughing then?!
Alexa- True, though I’m not a fan of kittens, I’ll give LiLu’s a pass. For now.
*gasp!* I love summer! And kittens (although not cats, which sucks because I can never get a kitten because it’ll turn into a cat)!
Altho I agree about the mosquitos and the humidity and the door knob thing. I’m a teeny bit OCD myself…
What can I say. I grew up in Colorado, and we didn’t really have a summer. Then I moved to that crappy left coast state with 300 days of summer a year. I hated it. Now I live in Corpus Soggy Texas (yes, everyone sweats that much down here) and it is truly horrible. I think I need to move up by you. Oh, and I like kittens… dead ones!
But seriously, what is it with the damn summer thing? I would rather read a book outside at night in the snow than deal with summer!
So then you like bearded Jesus the best?
My dad lived in Corpus Sweaty Texas as a young man. He got gonnorhea from a Mexican prostitue. True story. He makes me proud.
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!!!! Holy crap, I have been trying to remember the name of that band all day after a client and I had a discussion of how Green Day isn’t all happy go lucky anymore and ever since that one band disbanded Green Day decided it was their turn to get all political and stuff and he asked me which band and I said it was that political band with the dood with the dreads and he said Bob Marley and I gave him a pointed look to let him know he was stupid and informed him I meant the band that disbanded and was once arrested for something and then he gave me that look and I told him I would probably remember later today and to ask me at his next haircut…..
Dude … hold up … summer is obviously the best season of the year. Maybe it’s because my birthday is in June and I love the heat, but c’mon. Beaches, sand, sun, girls with skirts and tanktops, no jackets. I could go on and on. Maybe you can donate your piece of summer to me? I’ll give you some winter back for it.
Taylor- Door knobs are basically the most disgusting thing on Earth. Well, aside from Hiedi Montag.
Bret- Dude, totally. Also, I’ve decided that you must be Bret Michaels, so lets high five.
Matt- What other Jesus is there? Bearded Jesus takes the cake my friend.
Terri- I heart you. That is all.
Stephanie- I’m glad I could help!! Pretty awesome band, yo.
John- I will totally donate my summer to you, but could I get some fall or money in return?
Ok, just found your blog (thanks to you comment on mine) and I am seriously about to die laughing. Seriously. Funny post… and I could TOTALLY relate to your slight case of OCD, view on Heidi Montag, inability to relax with nothing to do, and, well, just about all of it. HIlarious.
I’m definitely a summer lover (as in a lover OF summer not a lover IN summer). Though I’ll admit, humidity is like summer’s bad breath…makes you want to not get too close!
I’m still fapping.
…Just saying.
Kotori- Are we secretly the same person? Lets pretend we are and totally freak out the normals.
Ronnica- Dude, perfect analogy for humidity!
Asif- You continue to flatter me with your fapping. Fap on son! Fap on!
im with you! everyone thinks im insane because id rather it be 48 degrees than 98. freaks
THANK you! Seriously, summer? Not fun.