This? Totally Happened. In Real Life. I Did This.
Want to learn something totally weird about me? Weirder than the things you already know? Yeah, I thought so.
You know how a common fear may be something like, the fear of public speaking, or fear of dying, or fear heights? Well, I actually have all of those too, but none of my more conventional fears are as intense as my WORST FEAR EVER. So, what is it? Throwing up. Stop laughing. Seriously, I live in constant fear that I could, at any moment, vomit. Given the choice between vomiting and say, losing a limb, it would be a really tough call.
So, here’s a little story about something I did a few months ago. I woke up in the morning, and I felt a little queasy. I quickly panicked and began chugging Pepto Bismol (which I always keep on hand in case of vomiting emergencies). I paced around my apartment, basically having a panic attack, wondering what to do.
Now, lets pause here. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Bitch, relax. Go lie down on the couch and just go to the bathroom if you have to throw up. What’s your damage?” To which I respond, “Dear, you can’t even begin to understand the extent of my damage.” To me, vomiting? It’s the first sign of the apocalypse. Like when I get sick to my stomach, the world? It. Is. Ending. Back to my story.
So, yeah, panic, possible vomiting, apocalypse. Solution? I should drive to my doctor’s office in my pajamas and see how much I can scare the staff there. Obviously!
And that’s exactly what I did. I drove to my doctor’s office. In my pajamas. Hair, a total mess. Crazed look in my eye. I bust through the front doors into the waiting area and say, “Excuse me, miss? Is it possible to see Dr. Thomas? I don’t have an appointment, but I’m not feeling very well.” Except it came out more like this, “BITCH, I NEED A DOCTOR! STAT!”
Now, do I live in a fantasy world wherein my problems supersede those of the elderly patients already waiting to see the doctor? No. Do I live in a fantasy world were unicorns fly me to work and cupcakes tell me their innermost secrets? Not anymore, they have medication for that. What I’m saying is that, rationally, I knew I was being a complete and utter asshole demanding to see a doctor right that moment, but the animal part of my brain had taken over. And the animal part of my brain is kind of an asshole apparently.
So, the alarmed receptionist calls a nurse to come out and get me. The nurse looks incredibly concerned, and helps me to an examining room. Finally! Someone who understands what I’m going through here! Then we have the following conversation:
Nurse: How long have you been vomiting for?
Me: I haven’t thrown up yet.
Nurse: Oh, are you having diarrhea?
Me: No, but I feel like I might throw up.
Nurse (now looking less sympathetic): You *feel* like you *might* throw up?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Is there anything else? Headache? Sharp pains in your back or abdomen?
Me: Hmmm, no. But I definitely feel like I might throw up.
Nurse (totally unsympathetic at this point): The doctor will be in to see you shortly.
And then my doctor and I had a nice long talk about seeing my psychiatrist to adjust my meds. The end.
Ahahhaa I just died of laughter. I think that would make my day if I was sitting in the doctors office and some lady came in and did that!
Hi
Thanks for another terrific blog post.
You have made my Sunday.
You’re the Best!
@RKCharron
xoxo
I have the exact same phobia!!!! I haven’t puked in 12 years & I totally celebrate my non-vomit-a-versary every year. I have a whole routine that I do to prevent puking at the first sign of nausea. Oh, & my fear totally extends to all vomit situations—I shit you not that the #1 rule in my classroom is not to throw up.
We are so meant to be. And I love that you went straight to the doctor.
I love that you have an irrational fear. Yes, I did call it irrational. So will your psychiatrist. If he puts you on animal tranquilizers, I say tell him to go to hell.
Anyway, I have a fear of the delivery man. You know, dude who brings the pizza to the door? Yeah, I throw up and break out in hives. People in work thought it was really funny until I threw up on my boss’ face. Okay, that’s a lie, but they did send the delivery douche bag over to me, and I did get sick.
Maybe we should go to therapy together.
THAT would be fantastic. We could Vlog it.
Hahahaha….So, I guess bulimia is out of the question? I absolutely LOVE that you went to the doctor’s office, right away, in your pajamas. That’s awesome. I have a weird fear of elevator doors shutting on me. I cringe every time I step through them. Weird. Oh, and snakes. Typing that word even gives me goose bumps.
Did he really talk you about adjusting psych meds? That. Is. Awesome.
That story…fantastic! And really shouldn’t that kind of “condition” be in your file? They need to keep up on that shit. “Needs to see a doctor immediately if nauseated. Do not ask questions. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.”
Ahhhh I feel you on hating irrational fears, you know i have one on darkness and ghosts? I sleep with lights on, how lame is that, yes? lol
That’s hilarious
I posted about things I’m scared of too!
oh darling. i heart you. i have a fear that is far more irrational than yours. In fact, I *also* hate throwing up. I’m not sure that i’m scared of it per se, but i do HATE IT A LOT. i think it’s the loss of control thing. i should make an excellent pregnant woman, don’t you think? anyway. i promise to blog about my irrational fear. promise. it will make you feel much better about yours.
Do you not drink? How is it possible to drink and never throw up?
I guess no tequila shots for us if we ever hang out.
lol…this cracked me up!
“Nurse (now looking less sympathetic): You *feel* like you *might* throw up?”
just face your fears. YOU CAN DO IT! PUKE! PUKE! PUKE!
Thanks for putting the image in my head of you rationalizing losing a limb over throwing up. It’s quite humorous.
It’s really adorable how batshit crazy you are. God, I would mess with you constantly about this. I’d have been laughing the entire time. There are few things in the world that bring me more pleasure than other people in irrational distress.
I’ve actually overcome most of my irrational fears. And even the rational ones don’t bother me much anymore. The only thing that really gets me sometimes is.. well, flesh-eating disease. But that’s just common sense, okay? NO ONE wants a flesh-eating disease. Ever. For any reason. Would you rather have a flesh-eating disease than vomit? WOULD YOU?
Aw, irrational fears can be totally cute & endearing. Great story, Jill. You just keep getting more adorable. You are most crassly adorable girl out there, congrats!!!
Hahah really?? My fear is FEELING like I might throw up. I loooooathe that feeling… I’d much rather throw up without ever feeling like I might (spontaneous vomit… ew) or just not have that feeling and not throw up… ever.
Then I think life could be grand.
I hate throwing up…I prevent it at all costs, but I mean how do you prevent it…even typing this is making me anxious. I wish I could be bulimic because thats cool and fun right? And store my vomit in big jars in my closet? Am I the only one who saw that Lifetime movie?
Umm…I don’t know where I’m going with this. Other than…we’re getting married.
And? I love you.
On the one hand, I’ve totally been that girl behind the desk all, sorry, ma’am, but we’ll try to fit you in, but the doctor’s fully booked today, and on the other, I totally know what it’s like to be horribly afraid of something that might and probably won’t happen.
Though, my hair is usually in a better state. I hate to laugh at someone else’s misfortunes, but darling, that might’ve been one of the funniest things I’ve read ever!
ok, you are going to want to shoot me, as i feel like i say this in EVERY FUCKING COMMENT TO YOU, but are we RELATED?!??!?!? i have the same fears!
and sadly, i must inform you that i have barfed more in the last year than i have in my entire fucking life. i used to have a jerry seinfeld-style track record of not barfing in like 13 years or something, but that record has been shot to shit.
and let me tell you another thing. barfing IS something to be feared. it is totally fucking disgusting. it feels awful, it sounds awful, and it tastes awful. and usually if you do it ONCE, more is on the way.
pardon all the cursing. i am generally that way, and apparently even more so on sundays.
awwwww…. I think, seriously seriously, that you’re my new hero. #1 because you don’t mess around with your health. I wish I had the gumption to go regulate at the Doctor’s office. On the rare occasions when I am sick I feel guilty about it, like it’s my fault I have allergies or something
And throwing up is GROSS, I’ve only done it myself a handful of times (not counting the baby years) and if I could avoid ever throwing up again I would.
I try not to vomit very often. I always end up achy and terrible afterwards, but I wouldn’t say that I have a fear of vomiting. However, when I do throw up, I tend to make it a grand event of loud retching, heaving, gagging and violently-announced vomiting. My family loves me.
Wow! I kinda have the same problem actually because once I start I can’t stop – it just goes on and on until I swallow a packet of stematols – well actually I don’t swallow them I…well you get it I think. Same with hiccups – if I don’t nip them in the bud pronto – etc etc!!!
lmfao!!! Be glad you aren’t me then. Because I have a terribly weak stomach and there isn’t more than 10 or 15 days at a stretch that something doesn’t make me vomit. It’s a pain in the ass and the doctors say there is nothing wrong with me. Regardless. Be glad you aren’t me.
hahaha i have never heard of someone with that fear! i cant say i enjoy throwing up, its really pretty gross
i am TERRIFIED of throwing up. i remember every time. i have tears streaming down my face while imagining i will NEVER BREATHE AGAIN. i wish i could say something funny. this is not funny. it is serious. i do not, in any way, understand people who can be like, “ug. i just threw up. let’s party!” as they wipe vomit off themselves. OOOOOR people who are all, “boy, do i feel better!” holy shit. better? you feel better? and finally, hearing people throw up? (i’m looking at you chuck) nearly as bad. neeeeeeearly makes me want to kill them. sadly, then i’d have to get close to them. and that. cannot happen. ever.
off to not throw-up.
You always make me want to peeeeeee laughing. I’m sitting here in my otherwise empty apartment laughing loud enough to wake the neighbors.
And dude, I puke all the time. I have a disease where if I eat to quickly, I get sick realllllly fast. So we’re pretty much polar opposites on this one. Throwing up? I conquered that fear, unfortunately.
But other people throwing up near/on/close to me?! That’s one of my allll time biggest fears. ::shudder::
I am so the total opposite of you when it comes to vomiting. As soon as I feel even remotely queasy…. I just want it out of me.
My coworker is deathly afraid of throwing up, too. She’s constantly convinced that meat is undercooked and will, thus, make her violently ill if she eats it. And so every day at lunch, I watch her rip apart her grilled chicken sandwich (or turkey burger, or chicken cutlets, etc., etc.) and then patiently say, “No. No. No,” as she asks me, repeatedly, “Do you think this looks pink? Do you think this need 10 more minutes on the grill? Do you think if I eat this I’ll get sick?”
My point? You’re not alone, my dear. Not alone at all.
I’m the same way (minus the whole rushing to the doctor thing). I think it’s because I so rarely throw up that when the slightest onset of queasiness enters, I fear the worst and fear that I will vomit right then and there because I won’t know that I’m *about* to throw up (because I never do it, obv) and then it will be embarrassing and all that.
Totally neurotic. And totally normal, I say.
Lol I can relate ….I definitely panic whenever I feel I’m going to be sick. And my mum is one of those people who gets a sore throat or a headache, immediately gets sick and is then perfectly fine. But I hold it in. And she’s like, if you just went with it, you’d get rid of whatever is making you feel that sick …..my mother is INSANE!
Dude, to have been a fly on that wall. Did you threaten to bitch slap anyone?
I hate throwing up too (but lack the total fear of it that you have). My insane and ridiculous fear is spiders. And like you, I know I’m being silly b/c I am so deathly afraid of them and they are all littley and smallish and I could easily squash them. But what if I miss and they jump on my arm or foot and scamper and crawl all over me with all their 8 legs and bite me and ew, ew, ew, ew… I just got the squirmies. No more talking about spiders.
Hey Jill!
Haven’t been on in a while, but have read up, and as usual, love the blog.
I love the reasoned approach to nausea you have, it made me laugh my balls off as I imagined the nurse’s face dropping and dropping.
Much love
xx
Like….you’re my new best friend. Hope you don’t mind. I was just drinking water and literally had to look away from the screen to swallow it. I was laughing so hard I saw it hitting the monitor and all the keys on my keyboard. First of all, I share your pain about vomiting…every time I get very drunk {not so much anymore} I wander around and pray I don’t vomit. I would probably chop my hair off, like maybe even shave it all if it would stop me from vomiting. Second, um, you’re the funniest person alive. Like, anyone I have ever seen, ever. Bye.
Weird. I throw up a little bit every morning when I brush my teeth.
You don’t love me anymore, do you?
Oh man, I hate throwing up too. Like seriously, if I can avoid it I will, just like you. It’s the worst thing ever, not to mention I usually dry heave afterward and it makes me feel as tho I’ll cough up a lung or an intestine or something. I always make it a big deal when I’m about to hurl, it’s like make it better. NOW! So I don’t blame you for going straight to the doctor’s. Hopefully you feel better now.
I once worked in a doctors’ office. Patients who were also patients “upstairs” in our mental health office had a yellow sticker across the front of their chart. So whenever someone would come in acting “off,” the receptionist might, as a way of discreetly communicating to her front desk peers that this person has deeper issues, draw a yellow highlighter line on a piece of paper and show it to us. That way, we’d be all “Oooohhh, she’s NOT going to kill me with a letter opener – she just needs a medication adjustment.”
Had you come into our office that day? Yeah. Total highlighter case!
Andplusalso? I love you like a crazy crayon blogging chick loves her Effexor and Ativan!
Anybody who quotes Heathers can’t be ALL messed up. *hugs*
You are fucking hilarious.
demand attention. demand it.
stupid nurse, smart doctor.
i love meds.
You are so funny! And a little crazy.
That is hilarious! As I started reading I thought, I have a friend that hates throwing up too, but then I read on and retracted that thought. The worst thing that ever happened to her was projectile vomit waking her up because she avoided running to the bathroom all night.
You are too funny.
I truly hope the meds he gave you do not make you nauseous…
If cupcakes did tell me their innermost secrets, I think they’d tell me they felt naked without icing…
My cousin’s BF has the exact same phobia…this 30yr old woman cries when she *thinks* she just might…she hasn’t yet…but oh the panic that ensues on every close call, I think I need therapy just witnessing it.
Shall we make it jello or mud?
Bitters and Soda. Seriously. It will calm any upset tummy.
Yeah. Vomiting is gross. One time, I got the salmonella and then I started to vom and homemade Hungarian noodles came out my nose.
Yuck.
To be honest, there’s nothing really worse than throwing up. The nauseau before that is actually much worse than than the actual vomiting. I hate it. Unfortunately it happens way too easily (if I drink even a teensy bit over my limit). I think doctors should start taking this seriously. We should start a petition.
You’d make a hilarious bulimic.