Its Stuff Like This That Will Forever Change Your Opinion of Vaginas
Go and check out Lilu’s site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition. Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information. You do this on Thursday. See how that works?
Alternate Title For This Post? Magical Stripper Juice
Here’s the thing, I have this friend Terri from the Internet, and she is fucking hilarious. Terri is married to a gentleman named Marty, who is also fucking hilarious. Evidence of said hilarity can be found below in Marty’s story of love (of strip clubs), and loss (of the ability to see a stripper without throwing up), and vaginas (with strange, fire extinguishing properties).
Marty’s Awesome Vagina Story
By Marty
This story is not about poo. It is also not about piercings. It is, however, about a vagina; a vagina with a rare talent seldom seen in these parts (or in those parts – the vag parts – you get my drift).
So once upon a time, I was cajoled and pressured into attending a gentlemen’s club* with friends. Now I like naked boobs and lady bits as much as the next guy, but ya gotta respect the ladies, ya know? But in the interest of not looking like a big pussy, I went without complaint.
*by “gentlemen’s club,” I mean “really seedy titty bar in the crappy part of town where you can get cheap beers and look at the girls who didn’t make the cut at the “nice” titty bars.
Now let me tell you about one special “lady” in particular who was employed at this lovely establishment. We’ll call her Wendy, because I always thought Wendy was kind of a skanky name. But I digress…Wendy had a special talent. Wendy was able to lie down on her back, spread her legs and BLOW OUT a PACK of matches with her cooter. True story. Just blow them right out. Not just one match, mind you – we’re talking the ENTIRE PACK.
Well, being the curious guy that I am, I had to see this up close and personal. So I throw a few bucks on the bar (I’m no cheapskate!) and gesture for Wendy to come on over and show me how it’s done! (for scientific purposes, of course). So Wendy comes on over, assumes the position, and waits for me to light the matches. I did, and sure as shit, she blew out the entire pack. And when she did, something liquid. HIT. Me. In. The. Face.
And that, Jill’s friends, is about when I quit drinking.
And since Marty was kind enough to share this story, I wanted to give him a picture to commemorate this special event. You’re welcome Marty. You’re welcome.
[...] Pilgrim Jill’s Its Stuff Like This That Will Forever Change Your Opinion of Vaginas [...]
That, my friends, is a woman you marry.
Imagine the fun at campfires.
eew! Just eew!
But that is a pretty cool talent…
Hahahhaa in Thailand, they call it agogo. Not only they blow out matches, they can open beer bottles. Now talking about some creepy voodoo magic or something
Wtf, how did she realize she could do that? And also, that paint picture is disgusting. But hilarious, as always.
Oh that’s just nasty! LOL
AHAHAH! Thanky you, Jill! To this day, my husband scrubs the skin off his face with every shower.
That is just wrong. If you have the talent to blow them out, enjoy it. But spurting them out?!? WTF? And to juice your customers in a bar… just disgusting!
they both look so happy! i think i need an after picture. with like the exes for eyes type-a deal going on. poor, poor marty. this is a cautionary tale to be sure. i’m going to put this on the list of things not to try along with bungee jumping and monkey brains.
Now she has quite a talent that one.
My hubs back in the day went to one of those seedy titty bars. Said one of the girls could open his beer bottle. And then expected you to drink it. Of course, his buddy who had gone with him was overly joyed to lick and slurp and violate the bottle after the chic had her junk all up on it, but hubs said he was slightly disgusted but wouldn’t drink his beer. You just never know where that’s been!! LOL!
Stopped by via livitluvit.
I am sitting here wondering how one A) discovers that they have said ability and B) practices…
Is it me, or is there an underlying lesson in these TMI Thursdays…first the frat party girl, now poor Marty…people need to learn to keep their faces away from the nether regions of grade D strippers. That is why God made grade A strippers! Obviously.
Dani, truer words were never spoken.
Lilu and Taylor – perhaps she queefed during sex and blew the man right out of her? It’s a mystery.
Mooooog- see response to Lilu and Taylor. You’d have to be hella careful if you marry that one!
hillbilly and andhari – …they can put it…they open….and then you drink…doesn’t that scratch??
this story was pretty much THE BEST EVER, but the artist’s rendering really made it epic.
oh cringefest 2009. that is horrid. one of those things that whenever it pops back into your mind you cringe and must wash off again.
Ahhhhhhhhh, poor Marty. Although I gotta say, when you put yourself in front of a stripper you’re kinda asking for it.
Alice, Marty thanks you and takes a bow – although I hope you won’t be offended that he’s not bowing too close to your…’you know.’
Lusty – I think this is why he has scabs on his face after washing.
Kristen – As his wife, I have to agree. He was pretty much asking for it. AND paying her for it!
Oh and the Artist’s Rendering? Jill + paint = artistic genius. That is all.
What in the world? I want to do that! I mean, ewww.
Elizabeth – just make sure you don’t have any errant, runaway moisture in the chamber!
Is the stripper the gym lady? Her boobs are uneven
I went to a bar in Amsterdam, where the strippers did magically horrific things with their lady parts and bananas. However, I was extremely intoxicated (thank god), so what exactly they did is slightly foggy. I think it had to do with a banana shooting across the room. Fortunately, I was not hit with said banana. Poor Marty.
Wow.
Did he at least get her number?
Can I have it?
Mike – ewwwww! You’d have to be a BIG MAN to fill those “shoes,” if you know what I mean!
Andplusalso, Mike, we don’t know whether her job “excited” her so much that she unintentioally “spat” on his face…or if she had a “condition” that caused superfluous vaginal condensation (aka – discharge). I’d hate to think it was the latter, but judging by her form of entertainment, it’s entirely possible.
Hahaha- Terri, could I love you more? Nope, not possible.
WOW interesting, id like to see that once in this lifetime…altho that spurting thing is kinda disgusting…
You people are going to learn about being face-to-puss with a stripper’s vag…one fine day, indeed!
Oh my god! lOL The picture is priceless!
haha that was a good TMI. But for marty, I’m concerned there was not enough information. I’m talking specifically about what that women’s vagina was housing for bacteria, fungus, viruses, etc.
In my defense, I was new. And I had a lot to drink that night. How did you know my name was really Wendy?!
omg. i may have visited a similar gentlemans club one evening where there was a special event – a chica who ’specialized’ in fire. she would ‘hide’ some gasoline and then ’spit’ it at this torch thing. kind of like the guy at the circus who does this with his mouth.
Hahaha- Oh my God, too funny!!!
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