The Pilgrim Congress

Before I get started with this, I want to confess a massive girl crush on the TMI Thursday creator Lilu.  Go and check out her site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition.  Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information.  You do this on Thursday.  See how that works? 

As a married woman I feel it would be classless to divulge my own stories (like the time I accidentally became a hooker.  Oops!).  BUT, you may or may not be aware that I have a silent partner in The Pilgrim Congress, an unmarried silent partner of penis experimenting fame.  I have known Evan for all of our 27 years here on Earth, and as a result I know all of her TMI stories.  And it must be said, that back in our college days, Evan knew how to school a boy like no other.  So I would like to share a classic Evan tale with you today:

Once upon a time Ev and I were massive frat hoes.  That is to say, we hung out at all manner of fraternities looking for boys to make cry.  Sometimes we did this in lingerie (like at a certain frat’s Pajama Jam party.  Pajama Jam apparently meant that the girls should show up in boxers and tank tops.  I accidentally showed up in a nipple grazing slip from La Perla.  Evan in a Fredrick’s special.  Oops again!).

  At one of these parties Ev met a boy from another fraternity.  This boy was a senior and was about to go on to be a Rhodes Scholar.  Evan, of course, defiled him.  After taking him back to his own fraternity house Ev proceeded to show this rather geeky, but cute, boy a world of pleasure his tiny penis (like really tiny apparently) had never before seen.  One small issue, this boy had a roommate, and this roommate had a girlfriend, and this girlfriend had asthma, and her inhaler was located in the locked bedroom with Ev and Tiny Rhodes Scholar. 

So, while Evan is trying to teach this guy how his penis works, there is a group of hysterical people banging on the door trying to get in to save this girl from dying of an asthma attack.  Tiny Rhodes Scholar cared not at all for the slowly withering life outside his door.  Evan was quickly growing weary of all the yelling and tiny penises, so she promptly got up, threw her clothes on, told this guy he couldn’t please her, and walked out of the room into a group of angry sorority chicks with no shame.

Then she came back to the original frat party and acted as though nothing had happened.  And once she met a new guy in need of defiling she gently laid a finger over his lips and said, “You talk way too much for someone I just want to have sex with.” 

And that is why Evan is my hero.