The Number Two Reason You Should Not Sleep With Amanda From My Freshman Year Art History Class
Go and check out Lilu’s site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition. Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information. You do this on Thursday. See how that works?
So here’s the thing, if you read my TMI Thursday post last week you probably walked away thinking, That’s it. She’s blown her TMIT load. That’s the grossest story she’s got. To which I reply, Bitch, you haven’t seen anything yet.
Now allow me to really blow my TMIT load all over your unsuspecting face.
Today’s story takes us back to my college days, back to a time when seeing a stripper accidentally poo in some drunk chick’s mouth was a welcome sight compared to the image forever burned in my brain by the tale I’m about to tell you. Be afraid. And maybe get a trash can or something. There’s a pretty solid chance you may throw up. At least a little. Enough build up, story time.
Our tale begins with a little lady named Amanda (who hopefully never sees this blog) and gentleman named Tom (who also hopefully never sees this blog). Tom was a brother at one of my college’s many fraternities, and also good friends with one of my roommates. Amanda was a girl I knew very casually through a class we had together freshman year. That’s about all the back story I’ve got.
So, one night Tom’s fraternity is having a party. Everyone is wasted. Amanda is there. Amanda is wasted. Tom is there. Tom is wasted. Tom is so wasted in fact that he decides to go to his room and crash. He falls asleep and some time later is awakened by a very drunk Amanda getting into bed with him. Tom is pretty psyched. Amanda is totally hot. Also, we went to a school that was like 98.7% male, so close contact with any vagina was practically a miracle from Jesus for Mr. Tom.
Amanda gets into bed with Tom and things start getting hot and heavy. There is lots of kissing and heavy petting. This soon progressed to full nudity and intercourse. It was pretty sexy and it was about to get sexier. Amanda says drunkenly with lots of slurring to Tom, “Lets mshe ggget on topsdh- riddde youdle.” Pause here for a sec and let me apologize for the fact that I have no idea how to type slurred speech. Moving on, Tom’s all thinking, What is this my birthday? I don’t even have to do any work! So Amanda gets on top in this sort of position:
Look at how happy they are! Well friends, things are about to take a turn for the worse. As Amanda is bouncing up and down on Tom she starts to feel a little funny. She mentions to Tom that her stomach hurts, but he’s all, “Baby, its okay. Keep going, it feels so good.” See, men? They don’t care what the hell is going on with your belly when they are drunk and close to glorious ejaculation. So Amanda, in her very drunken state keeps on going, and Tom gets his rocks off, and all is right with the world.
Except Amanda? She had diarrhea all over Tom. And was too drunk to know and/or do anything about it. And Tom? He heard the tell tale sound of intestinal expulsion, but mistook it for a queef (a harmless release of air from the vaginal canal :cues The More You Know music:). Then Tom felt some slickness on his belly/penis region, but just assumed that is was a mix of lady juices and sperm (as they did not use a condom, because Tom is a genius and Amanda is so drunk she’s pooping on people). Tom is also exhausted from the combination of booze and sexual excitement and promptly passes out. Unaware that he was sleeping in another person’s feces. Amanda is so wasted that she too passes out. Also in feces.
Fast forward a couple of hours and Tom’s roommate staggers drunkenly into their room and promptly proclaims, “TOM! It smells like SHIT in here!” Indeed, sir. Indeed. Tom wakes up and realizes, it does smell like shit. Where is that smell coming from? Imagine poor Tom’s surprise when he realizes that this smell is coming from his poo covered nether region!
Tom immediately jumps out of the bed and sees the carnage. Oh, and Amanda. Because, hey guess what? She’s totally still there. Smelling like shit. Also, still naked, except for some poop. So Tom does what any gentleman would do and tries to wake Amanda up so that he can remove the sheets and like get her in a shower and then hang himself. But, hey guess what again? Girls who are so drunk that they poop on you without realizing it are notoriously hard to wake up! Go figure!
So Tom takes a shower, falls asleep on the couch, wakes up the next morning, goes into his room and Amanda is gone. He decides that its not even worth it to wash the sheets and instead decided to throw out his mattress. He also swears his roommate to secrecy regarding the previous night’s activities. Turns out his roommate couldn’t keep a secret, because within days it was all anyone could talk about. All over campus a person could hear whispers of poop and sex and throwing up noises. And Amanda was forever known as the girl who had diaheria all over some dude. And Tom was forever known as that dude who got shit on by that chick and then slept in it. I wonder what those crazy kids are up to these days?
Noooooo! You are like the Jesus of horribly disgusting and embarrassing college stories. If I was Amanda, I’m pretty sure I would still be hibernating in shame. Someone crapped in the elevator of my dorm freshman year (I think), and I’m pretty sure people are still talking about who the elusive pooper might have been. This totally beats that! haha!
[...] Pilgrim Jill’s The Number Two Reason You Should Not Sleep With Amanda From My Freshman Year Art History Class [...]
If you are willing to buy a car, you would have to receive the personal loans. Furthermore, my sister all the time takes a sba loan, which seems to be really firm.
1) I’m horrified.
2) “because Tom is a genius and Amanda is so drunk she pooping on people” nearly killed me.
So I’m thinking no on beans to go with our taco dinner on Saturday?
Oh, dear god.
You know, at first I thought that being unaware that he was sleeping in another person’s feces was the worst possible image. I guess it would’ve been worse if was aware, though.
If I was Amanda, I would have immediately changed schools. Who wants to be known as poop girl and what guy that knows about this story would ever want to have sex with her?
You. are SO. fucking FUNNY. GAH!!!
“Now allow me to really blow my TMIT load all over your unsuspecting face.” See, I think you DID blow your load. I think there isn’t possibly any way you could have something worse than this shit story to tell us on Thursdays following this one. We all might as well die now. Time for Armageddon, woohoo!!!
(p.s. That was a challenge extended, my internet friend. Here’s to hoping you’re able to accept it, and offer something equally or slightly less amazing than this next week. Because, let’s be honest…there isn’t anything much more amazing, story-wise, than this, right?)
Next week is going to be such a downer. ha!
hey, guess what? i love you! this is the best poop story EVER! last week made me throw up THIS week made me giggle uncontrollably! in other news, that is horrifying!
jesus loves the reverse cowgirl. it makes him give angels their wings. reverse cowgirl=bells.
Brooke- I am putting that on my grave stone, “Was the Jesus Of Horribly Disgusting College Stories.” Amen lady.
Ben- I am a just a little over excited that you read my site, as I have a big blog crush on you. So, go me! Also, sorry I horrified you.
Dani- You can always assume no beans for me, as beans are disgusting. You know what’s not disgusting though? Goats! Yay!
FB- I must agree with you. It would be far worse to know you were sleeping in feces than to be unaware.
Peachy- 1.) Do you like the nickname I just gave you? Cute, right? 2.) SERIOUSLY! But, she did not transfer schools, much to my amazement. And really, that takes balls, so Amanada is kind of the hero of our story.
Faith- DUDE! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Except Terri is going to do next week’s post for me. I think I’m going to have to start asking FK to assist as I have totally blown my load.
Terri- Next week is going to be awesome!
Becky- Jesus does love the reverse cow girl! We were just talking about that last night in my prayers!
lucky Tom, having a miracle from Jesus bring a V in contact with his P. of course “Jesus” is entirely interchangeable with “alcohol” in this instance, as well as many others i’m sure!
and now why do i think you have many other TMI gems hidden up your sleeve? i enjoyed reading this so much i refuse to believe there is not wayyy more where this came from!
A truly wretched story that, frankly, must be shared. Thank you.
Liz’s snorting sounds at her desk, brought to you by The Pilgrim Congress!
Oh wow. Disgusting. And just when I thought your stories couldn’t get much worse!
Ah yes. Amanda gave him the ol’ Manhattan Mudslide. And judging from your description, it was well executed.
Aaand Emaw knows the name for what it was that happened in this disgusting scenario. Of course. (Jillian, Emaw is from my direction. In case you weren’t already aware, I put out a PSA on your ass today.)
OMG this is amazing. I thank my lucky stars that I’ve never pooped on someone, but someone did accidentally do this to me. FML
I am amazed at the photographs you get of these events!
So, did he, like, have it all over his face? Did she ever say anything? Did anyone ever mention it to her? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
Lusty- I have too found that Jesus can often be interchanged with alcohol!
Liz- The Pilgrim COngress thanks you for your continued readership and is glad to have made you produce snorting noises.
Taylor- I really out did myself this time, huh?
emawkc- I had no idea that move had a name! I am very excited to start using this term the next time I tell this story.
Faith- You are awesome!
Maxie- Whoa, whoa, whoa. You’ve been the recipient of a Manhattan Mudslide? That is very unfortunate, but I am now dying to hear the story.
Stephanie- I am lucky to always have my camera nearby, right? And, no, I don’t believe it was on his face. I’m pretty sure it stayed localized around his bathing suit area. I have no idea if she ever spoke of it again, but I seriously hope not.
Hahahaha! God damn, that is some foul, repugnant shit! Literally! Anybody have a good Angry Dragon story? hahaha!
The is the most awesome, grossest, hilarious story ever. It’s like it’s straight out of a trashy comedy!
I didn’t even know what a “Manhattan Mudslide” was until now…in addition to being hilarious, the Pilgrim Congress is also educational! Take that, grad school!
I’d bet my left nut they got married.
(Joke’s on you, I don’t have a left nut.)
Only a right one.
WTF?
Meatbag- First off, awesome name. Secondly, I’m not sure what an Angry Dragon is, but I’m intruiged.
Bing- Thank you! I aim to please!
Elizabeth Marie- Dude, we’re like the grad school of disgusting sex acts over here! I think I’m going to copyright that…
LiLu- Lets makeout. The end.
Alright, three things:
1)I will never have sex with a girl called Amanda, from ANY part of the world, just to be safe.
2)I almost laughed myself into a stroke there, my face feels all tingly (so I may sue if that happens)
3)Your TMIT’s are pretty thrash…yes, thrash.
Amazing post as ever,
Con
1.) Solid safety measure.
2.) I hope you didn’t have a stroke.
3.) I have long aimed to be thrash- go me!
Dude. I need to stop eating before I read your posts.
EWWWWW….
i think you went to school with Tucker Max. if you aren’t sure who that is, google him. he wrote a totally horrifying book FULL of stories like this. yikes.
also, i think i must have the sense of humor of an 8-year-old boy, because when i read the “because tom is a genius and amanda is so drunk she’s pooping on people” part, i was doing the thing where you laugh SO HARD THAT NO SOUND COMES OUT, ONLY THE TEARS STREAMING DOWN YOUR FACE.
seriously. you’re my new favorite blog friend. as gross as it may be.
Holy.friggin.hell.no.omg.
I have no words.
EWWWW!!!! OMG poor Tom, and he’s being so gentle about it? I would have liked “GET OUT THE WAY BYOTCH” then I don’t know, call for in house cleaning service? There’s no way I’m cleaning all those myself.
Oh and shower for 3 straight days of course!
I gave you an award because you’re awesome and your name came out of my hat. Refer to my latest post for further details.
Kristin- Yeah, that’s probably advisable.
Amy- Indeed!
Rae- high five!!! And thank you! And high five again!
Zandria- That’s a pretty common reaction. That and throwing up.
Andhari- Dude, I agree. I would have been so totally horrified, I would still be scrubbing while screaming “UNCLEAN” in the shower.
Asif- Go me! You totally popped by award cherry!
LOL, that is hilarious! even more than that stripper-poop story, id probably drop out of college if that happened…and kids never forgets about shit like this…
gross and amazing at the same time
i like…
great story
Thanks for bringing me ‘back home’ with yet another disgusting story.
Here in the Faroes nothing unsavoury like that EVER happens…
a!kO- I was very impressed by Amanda’s ability to continue going to school after that. I suspect she is a stronger woman than I.
Sebastian- I am glad to bring you back to disgusting-non-Faroes-reality with my totally gross story.
I would have quit school or killed myself or hell, both! I couldn’t handle that much embarrassment… I would implode. LOL Beautiful story telling though, I like the pictures! Kinda felt like I was right in the room with them… haha! From a literary stand-point thats good.
I think I would have gone the suicide route myself, as my threshold for humiliation is so deep.
Many props to her for sticking it out- could.not.do.it.
[...] The Pilgrim Congress » The Number Two Reason You Should Not Sleep … He heard the tell tale sound of intestinal expulsion, but mistook it for a queef (a harmless release of air from the vaginal canal :cues The More You Know music:). Then Tom felt some slickness on his belly/penis region, but just assumed that is was a mix of Spam protection Sum of 2 + 6 ? You can use these HTML tags. [...]