Guess What? Its Naked Time. Also? NSWF. Unless You Work In The Adult Entertainment Industry, In Which Case You’re Probably Okay.
Go and check out Lilu’s site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition. Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information. You do this on Thursday. See how that works?
Did the title hook you? Awesome. For the record, I’m not the one getting naked. Well, technically that’s not true, since I’m naked now. What I mean to say is that I will not be getting naked on this blog. Yet. I mean if I were to like lose my job or something, I might consider it. Is that something you would pay for? Like if I put up a paypal donate button would you like toss me a dollar? Its always good to know your options. What was I talking about again? Ah yes, nudity. Not mine.
Here’s the thing, I have seen like thousands of girls naked. In the gym locker room, in the dorms, in my various apartments, back when I was going through my pussy phase. You know, the usual. Through my many years of seeing naked ladies I’ve gotten pretty accustomed to the incredible variety. No 4 breasts look alike. There may be 2 breasts that look alike (hopefully on the same rib cage), but no 2 sets of breasts are alike. And me? I don’t judge. Big breasts, small breasts, saggy, perky, whatever man. We all have baby feeders, no big deal. Or so I thought until I saw these babies in the sauna at my gym:
Pretty life like picture, huh? Talent, I’ve got it.
So, here’s the thing, as girls we all know that there are always slight differences between your breasts. Like how one foot is always a smidgen bigger than the other (total fact by the way, its science). No big deal. On some women the difference may even be noticeable like to the naked eye (ha! naked!), but you know, not a big deal. But this woman? This woman had one totally normal breast, one crazy saggy triangularly shaped breast. With the largest nipple ever.
Now I’m thinking to myself, Why did this woman remove her towel. Is she unaware of the freakiness of this breast. Then I think, For chrissake Jill, stop being such a judgemental asshole. She’s down with herself, good for her. Also, stop staring. She’s getting scared.
And really? Who am I to judge? I’m certainly not perfect. So, I get over myself and start thinking about how all women are beautiful and I need to be more accepting, because by accepting other women I’ll learn to accept myself. Blah, blah, blah, hippie bullshit. Then this lady? She totally harshed my mellow. Off comes the towel, completely. Revealing this:
I almost stroked out at the size of her labia. And her pubic hair? A forest. In need of logging. And now I’ve posted about it on the Internet. Turns out I am an asshole.
BONUS!!!
Katie, of katiedotcom, left a comment on my last post saying:
As great as this story is, I think if a tiger was there, or maybe drawn..? I would have liked it enough to take my clothes off and make a Vlog.
Well, Katie, here you go:
[...] Jill Pilgrim’s Guess What? Its Naked Time. [...]
ok, here’s what i’m thinking: in my “i want to look at people doing weird things to their body” phase, i mean my sister’s “i want to look at people doing weird things to their body” phase (what, she was curious) she saw some weird things (and i may have seen them too, over her shoulder. against my will). anywho, this lady is clearly putting suction devices over her one boob and her vaginal area. and she like-a de boosh. you’re welcome for this scientific explanation of science.
must stop thinking about tiger’s tail (what’s wrong with it? is it going to fall off?)
I guess I’m an asshole too, because the idea of a completely untamed forest just squicks me out. How can she live that way? All hairy and itchy and smelly and EW. EW, EW, EW.
Hahahaha! OMG, these pictures are magnificent. I was laughing so hard that it was troubling V. So, I read him, “Mutant triangle tit, ungodly large nipple.” He looks at me and goes, “That’s Madonna, no?” Cone shaped bra=triangle shaped boob, in his world. Groom yourself gym lady! Also, I don’t think I want to take a sauna at your gym.
maybe the tiger has mange?
thanks a lot for the crazy image of giant labia … i love reading about that kind of thing in the morning, it really gets my day going, you know?
Becky- I totally appreciate the explanation of science, and I regret to inform you that the tiger’s tail? Not going to make it. It has some sort of tail herpes and its going to fall off. Sad.
Cat- Can I call you Cat? Its cool, we can totally be assholes together!
Brooke- Oh my God, V should have his own blog! And you’ll be happy to know that I no longer frequent that gym. My newest sauna is giant labia free.
miss.chief- I aim to please! Glad I could help!
At first I was trying to be all sensitive and “maybe she had breast cancer or something” but the giant piercing and the unholy forest…she did that to herself, so all sympathy is gone. I bet she’s the one who gave the tiger the tail herpes.
This was an awesome story!! I laughed so hard I snorted. Seriously loud too. Thanks for making my day!
That’s not a piercing, it’s an Olympic ring…I saw Tim Daggett hanging from it.
Dude. You swore you wouldn’t write about my labia!
Hooker.
Can I just say that I think I know this girl! Eeugh, not something I ever thought I wanted to see, and I definitely don’t want to see again. Personally I say trim that shit, and if you have those lovely flaps, they do surgery to fix that you know? The pics were awesome!
Ewwww. I am a victim of different sized boobs, but not like that thank all that is good and holy in this world. And get yourself a wax, lady. Gee whiz.
O. M. G. The smell must be horrifying. I think there might be a picture of this woman on rotten.com….
Why on earth would you let a hole puncher anywhere near your pink parts?
Dani- Me too! At first, I was trying to be sympathetic, but then the labia came out and all bets were off.
Pam- I am so happy I could make your Thursday just a little brighter. I aim to please!
Mooooooooog- You’re really good looking in your avatar there. I would say lets high five, but I think I would actually be bitch slapping you. Which I generally try to avoid.
LiLu- A million apologies. I am a horrible, horrible person.
Desiree- Exactly! Get thee to a waxer!
Stephanie- I love you for taking it to the next level. The smell, indeed. :throwing up:
Kristin- Dude, seriously?! WTF? How does that ever seem like a good idea. Though I do, have an even better labia piercing story that I may have to bust out next week…
Oh it was Lilu…I thought the picture looked familiar.
OMG SO WRONG. Can I seriously get a print of your artwork so I can hang it in my house?
You are sitting on TALENT. LOVE YOUR FACE.
You should have asked her if she was interested in a free bush trimming, then give her the address to a lawn care service locally. I think it’d be funny.
Nintendo should hire you to draw their video game monsters. Your “tiger” reminds me of one of those monsters from Super Mario Brothers. Goombah!
http://img139.imageshack.us/i/goomba3dpn2.jpg/
I tried making a Vlog of me taking off my clothes, but the chicks at Starbucks gave me a hard time about it. I explained I HAD TO, but they called the po-lice. I started singing a song “Fuck the Po-lice”…they didn’t like that either. Seriously, did everyone lose their sense of humor? The Starbucks Barista should look for her sense of humor – she probably left it in the same place towel lady left her vagina razor.
Elizabeth Marie- LOVE YOUR FACE!!! When is your birthday? I’m totally sending you an original!
Katie- I’m glad you at least tried. Starbuck’s baristas are such buzz kills!
I’ve been eagerly waiting to return home from my job to leave this comment! So, I’ve watched a bit of porn in my time, and so many of those ladies seem to have the big labia. I affectionately refer to it as “hang-y puss” OR “flabby vag.”
And, btw, I fucking hate them. The vag is pretty…unless it looks all dark and flabby and ginormous.
Ginormous pussies are indeed not pretty. Also, love that you were so excited to comment! Lets hug. ooooooooo <- hugs
Ohhhh… my….
First of all, EW.
Second of all, I love your paint drawings. Even when they’re of vaginas and fucked-up tits. They make me laugh a LOT.
I’m so sorry that happened to you…
Happy TMI Thursday!
Wow.
I mean, I will never complain about my slightly-larger left boobie again.
And I’m totally not cancelling my appointment at the waxer’s for today.
Holy schneike.
Oh, and…um…I have a labia piercing, and it DOES NOT look like THAT. HOLY.HELL.NO.
*looks just to make sure*
Yep, it’s still where it is supposed to be!
I think you should definitely get into graphic design. You got mad skillz.
And the people at starbucks have no fucking class if Katie’s story about her trying to vlog is true.
So let me see… NSWF must stand for “Not Safe with Food” ?
Ari- Yes, exactly.
Taylor- Gross breasts and vaginas are really my specialty.
Zandria- Hahaha, you’re totally right, I’m sure her gross vagina can’t be blamed on her labia pierings.
Matt- Dude, clearly. Graphic design is my calling.
emawkc- Ha, exactly!
omg! mouth covered entire time! cracked me up!
I’m kinda still laughing at “pussy phase” …lol.
LOL that was so funny, im trying to imagine the different shaped boobs (the triangular one is a lil tricky) then the ungodly bush pic appear…i had to stop imagining cause that would just be too gross for the imagination, and if i was you id probably stare…like STARE…and probably run out screaming and have nightmares for weeks..
thanks for a great story, hilarious
Pretty Robotic- “Mouth covered the entire time” was pretty much my look in the sauna that day.
Maegan- Firstly, AHHHHH (< -me freaking out), I heart your blog! Secondly, who hasn't has a pussy phase? Right? :crickets:
a!kO- The nightmares? They have yet to cease. The horror!!