The Pilgrim Congress

Go and check out Lilu’s site for more information on the TMI Thursday tradition.  Essentially, you write a post in which you give too much information.  You do this on Thursday.  See how that works? 

Prologue, In The Beginning:

Once upon a time there was a single lady.  We will call her Jillian.  Jillian had a horrible affliction.  She was cursed with mind boggling insecurity-itis.  Jill tried to mask the effects of her mind boggling insecurity-itis by sleeping with anything that moved.   This particular treatment option often made the condition worse, resulting in embarrassing, yet retrospectively hilarious, situations. 

Brief Disclaimer:  I would not She would not recommended this strategy for other sufferers.

Chapter 1, The D-Bag Commeth:

Our heroine is enjoying a cocktail at her favorite yuppie establishment with a few friends when she notices The Quintessential D-Bag Guy at the end of the bar.  This guy?  Totally rocking a Stone-Phillips-circa-1998 haircut.  Also?  Quoting the movie Wall Street.  Lastly?  Talking just loud enough to ensure that everyone in a 10 mile radius could hear him and his financial wizardry.  This display of utter douche-baggery had a strange effect on Jillian.  She wants to own him.  She wants to make him cry.  But like in a sexy way.  (Have I mentioned that this was before  I began she began therapy?)  The hunt is on.

Chapter 2, How To Drink Hustle In Three Easy Steps:

Jill decides to make her move.  She approaches the bar where Mr. Awesome is standing, makes eye contact, smiles and then proceeds to ignore him.  She orders her drink and looks bored and disinterested while the bartender does his work.  Then Mr. Awesome says the magic words, “Can I buy you a drink?”  Jillian has him right where she wants him, ready to shell out twelve dollars for the possibility of some ass. 

Chapter 3, It Can’t Be This Easy:

Several drinks, and what seems like hours of non-stop talk about his workout routine, later, Jillian is ready to throw the gauntlet.  As Mr. Awesome is in the middle of a complicated explanation of how he sculpts his sweet delts, Jillian interrupts with her own magic words.  Words guaranteed to make any man stop talking about his favorite song to rip to at the gym.  “I’ve always wanted to have sex in the bathroom here, what do you think?”  Mr. Awesome falls down, seeming to have suffered some kind of stroke, but quickly recovers.  “Um, well, oh whoa, I mean, uhhhh, yeah!”  Wall Street: The Movie didn’t prepare him with comebacks to a line so forward, so his brain stopped working. 

Chapter 4, Oh But Sir, It Is This Easy:

The couple has made it to the ladies room (because having sex in the men’s room is just plain trashy), last stall, and things are getting hot.  There is making out, touching of bathing suit areas, hiking up of pencil skirts, unzipping of pants when something happens.  Something sticky and premature.  Something that is going to force Jillian to have an uncomfortable conversation with her dry cleaner.

Chapter 5, The Aftermath:

The awkwardness is unbearable.  Mr. Awesome’s vocabulary has been reduced to the following phrase, “That’s never happened before,” repeated each time with increasing urgency and volume.  It seems Jillian has suffered a stroke herself.  She appears unable to move, or speak, or function.  Finally she gets her brain parts to convince her leg parts to start moving.  The leg parts now understand the gravity (and messiness) of the situation and start hauling toward the nearest exit.

Chapter 6, The D-Bag Returneth:

As Jillian hurtles toward the exit, praying to Jesus to just let her get the hell out of the bar before Mr. Awesome gets his shit together and sees her, she runs into her friends.  Friends with confused faces.  Confusion that becomes mocking laughter.  Just as Jill is starting to see that this is maybe just a little bit funny, Mr. Awesome finds her.  DUN DUN DUN!  Normal people are probably saying to themselves, “Why the fuck would this guy want to talk to her after what just happened?”  To which Ishe responds, “Congratulations, you passed the test.  Only a douchebag would understand that kind of logic, so you sir, are apparently not a douchebag.”  In fact Mr. Awesome wanted Jillian’s phone number.  Because further contact was clearly necessary at this point. 

Chapter 7, Fear and Loathing (Mostly Just Loathing Though) In New England:

Jillian wakes up the next morning full of self loathing.

Epilogue, Recovery:

Our dear Jillian is now using a much more effective method to manage her mind boggling insecurity-itis.  Sweet, sweet, glorious therapy.  She’s been off of douch bags for four years now.  Praise be to Jesus.  Amen.