A Love Story, In Retrospect
Listen, I get it. You have been just dying to know the story behind me and The Husband.
Not so, you say? I’m being a narcissist again, you say? You don’t care about me and my life, you just want to read Jesus jokes and musings on rubber vaginas? Sir! I am more than tales of my battles with Jesus and my love affair with rubber vaginas!* And to prove it to you, I’m just going to go ahead and tell you anyway. And you’re going to like it. Or I’ll chain you to the radiator. So lets get started, shall we?
*Note: I’m really just Jesus jokes and rubber vaginas. I was just trying to seem important.
Let me begin by telling you where we did not meet: we did not meet in school or at work, we didn’t have any mutual friends, we didn’t meet on an dating site, we didn’t meet at that corner where I used to hustle men for their money in return for sexual favors. No, we didn’t meet anywhere so wholesome as the classroom, workplace, or street corner. My friends, we met in a bar. And not a classy bar either. We met in a bar where the waitresses wear denim underpants and pretend that they are wearing shorts. But I’m getting ahead of myself, so lets back up a bit.
It was a gorgeous autumn night in Boston (this is called “setting the scene” or some shit) and I was on a mission. A mission to get my friend Linda laid.
At this particular point in time I had a fairly active social life, which is to say that I went on thousands of horrible dates with guys I felt no chemistry with, all while slowly growing more convinced that I was seriously lacking in some way and was destined to spend eternity either a) alone or b) with someone who made me want to light myself on fire. I processed these feelings in the traditional manner: drunken sex, heavy on the drunken.
Linda on the other hand was my more mild mannered counterpart with a slightly less active social life. She was terribly bright and not nearly as slutty as I was, though just as insecure. So I devised a plan. A plan that involved treating Linda’s feelings of worthlessness by having random men put their penises in her vagina! Works everytime!*
*Note: This never actually works.
Linda was very excited about my plan, so we set off one evening after work to our usual haunts. Every bar we went to was sans-penis. We were unable to find a suitable male in any of our usual 3 yuppie bars. So, after hours of drinking and with a decent, but fading buzz we decided to head home to our respective apartments. On our way to the T (Boston’s subway system) we passed another bar, and Linda looked in the window. And in that bar? In that bar she saw a gorgeous man beast.
Linda promptly pulled me into the dive, and proceeded to set up shop directly next to the incredibly sexy guy that she had seen from the sidewalk. He was eating wings. Just a random side note for you. I think its helps paint a picture.
So, this gentleman, being quick on the uptake, deduces that we are single ladies. Single ladies who seem to be staring at him. Single ladies who would probably be willing to have sex with him. So he pounced.
He approached Linda and I and proceeded to introduce himself, ask our names, what do you do for work?, do you live around here?, etc. We learned that his name was Ben and then Linda promptly lost her shit all over him. It was as though Linda took some sort of pill that made her instantly socially retarded. She started talking in great detail about how she often dreams of honeymooning on a tropical island, which leads to a lengthy conversation about her ideal wedding, which then becomes a nonstop stream of questions about middle school, and New Hampshire, type of wedding would you like?
I tried to step in and bring the conversation back to a less scary place, but it was not happening. Ben would intermittently try to ask me a question, but Linda would immediately cut him off to ask him a series of questions about whether he preferred cats to dogs. I was scared.
Fast forward through what seems like hours of awkwardness and we’re at the end of the night. As we’re getting ready to leave the bar the following exchange takes place:
Linda: So, Ben do you have a cell phone?
Ben: Yes.
Linda: So, can I get your number?
Ben: Um, sure, its 555-5555
Linda: Great, I’m free this Friday, but Saturday doesn’t really work for me.
Ben: look of confusion, Hmm, okay. So, Jill, can I get your number?
Me: awkward face, internal debate about whether or not its okay to give this guy my number even though my friend clearly likes him, but obviously he’s not into her, and he is so gorgeous, and nice, and sweet, and funny, and ohmygod I want to have his babies, fuck friendship, Sure, its 555-5555
And that was how it all began. I’ll save the story of our super awesome first date (which was crashed by Ben’s rather loud Southern roommate) and our even better second date (which was crashed by a girl who just the night before had been trying to get Ben to take his pants off) and our glorious third date (during which I literally said at one point, we should probably just take all of our clothes off, word for word, I said that shit out loud, I was so smooth) for next week. And Linda! What happens with our friendship?! I hope you can contain yourself until the next installment of: Me And The Husband, Love And Commitment, But Also Lots Of Sex And Laughing At Inappropraie Times, Mostly Love Though.
Until then here’s a picture of the Husband and I when we were first dating. Take note of the classy towel hanging over the door to the Southern roommate’s bedroom. Excuse the blurriness, I’m fairly certain Southern roommate was drinking when he snapped this.
I guess it’s true what they say… it happens when you’re not looking!
Omg you thief! Just kidding, I can’t wait for volume two!! So what I’m taking away from this chapter is…I should keep slutting around, try to get my friends to partake and then I will meet husby! OH P.S “Husby”…I never knew this “word” existed until I entered blogland. Lots of ladies have a “husby.” Thank you for using his name. Or a fake one. BUT AT LEAST IT’S A NAME! You guys are adorable.
Awesome, we have something in common! Alcohol played a role in meeting my fiance too. Except, I was legitimately drunk and he was completely sober. I guess I was charming in my drunken stupor that night. So charming that I allowed him to walk me back to our dorm building, I wrote my name on his couch with a highlighter, I added my name to his AIM list, and then I proceeded to pass out somewhere between his room and mine. Ahhh, the memories.
Reeder- so.true. The night I met my husband was probably the only night during that year that I wasn’t actively looking for a guy (for myself, I was looking for a guy for Linda).
Elizabeth Marie- Yes! If my story has taught us anything, its that loose morals + alcohol + convincing your friend to be loose and drunk too = successful husband hunt. P.S. I had never heard the term “Husby” either, I considered using my pet name for Ben, but I deemed it too dirty to use on this site.
Brooke- Holy Jesus, that is hilarious! You wrote your name on his couch? Awesome. That is one move I never employed. Maybe I’ll try that this weekend on Ben’s couch. Though, unfortunately his couch is also mu couch, so maybe that wouldn’t work… I’ll do it at his parent’s house next time I’m there. That will totally throw them for a loop in the middle of our discussion of Lithuanian politics!
I will have the highlighter ready! I think you have inspired me to write about our courtship one of these days. Although, I wish I had a classy picture like you guys to mark the momentous occasions. I can’t wait to hear about Linda! hahaha
(I couldn’t figure out why this wouldn’t post right away. I’m losing it over here. Spam protection: Sum of 1+2. I put 12.)
Ok, I’ve heard the story before, but I always love it, just wanted to say.
And I also had to stop to point and laugh at Brooke. Because her spam protection FAIL made me giggle-snort out loud.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
We met shitfaced in an Irish bar. At least MY girlfriend was cool enough to pass me her drink, say “Can you finish this for me gotta go bye” and disappear…
(Top secret: Mine’s named Ben too!) xoxo
I just took down your # and tried to call, but I got to operator. WTF.
Faith- I laughed out loud too when I read that. Brooke makes me smile.
LiLu- This is just further evidence that you are my soulmate. Hope that’s not too creepy! Promise I’m not scary!
Katie- That so called operator? Ben. He’s always screening my calls for Internet friends. Men, right?
you guys had the same number before you were even married? that! is a good indication of looove. were you living in the same house/cell phone?
i guess i’m a loser because i met chuck online on a dating site. althoooough, he does say we met “at college.” so, there’s that.
ps is that a SMILE i see you smiling in that picture with you smiling?
Oh that’s funny. That poor girl. And I love the picture. The towel makes it seem as if you two were just doing the dirty right before it was shot.
Side note about rubber vag: I had a roommate that used to work in a porn store. At the time the porn store was named Heaven, so when the phone would ring he would anser the phone, “Thanks for calling Heaven, this is God”. (That was an intro, I’m getting to the rubber clit). Anyhoo, I went to visit him one day when I got outta work and he pointed me over to the table that they put the “Just In!” merchandise. It was very excited. About a new rubber vagina. That was called a “Moaning Pocket Pussy”. Anyway, he’s all, “you totally need to see how this thing works!” and I’m all, “uh, ok” and he turns it on. The thing starts vibrating and moaning. And while it moans it says things like “oh my god, you are so big” and “oh, you feel so good” and etc, etc, etc. So he turns and looks at me, gives me a big grins and says, ‘Everytime I need a little pick me up, I come over here, turn it on and listen to how big and great I am. It totally makes my day!”.
The End
PS-I was trying to find one on Adam & Eve to post a link to, but I found this and decided to share because it is funnier: http://www.adameve.com/adult-dvds/spoofs/sp-seinfeld-a-xxx-parody-dvd-14481.aspx
Becky- I am legit almost smiling in that photo. Craziness!
Stephanie- Hahahaha, a talking rubber vagina?!?! Oh, Stephanie you made my day!
http://www.sensualadviser.com/-/info_sex_toy/noveltyid=SE7009-10.html
Oh my God- I have no words. The talking rubber vagina took them all.
Hahahaha I love this. When I started reading you mentioned waitresses in denim underpants and I thought “Oh PLEASEEEE tell me this bar is the old Hooters by North Station!!!!” But then I realized waitresses at Hooters don’t wear jorts. They wear orange spandex bumpers. And yes, it’s awkward that I know this. But more to the point, nice use of “man beast,” and I’m so pleased to hear you married someone who enjoys housing wings.
Almost that good- it was Whiskey’s on Boylston. Classy, classy stuff!
As you can deduce from this post… I was a classy S.O.B who used to frequent all the high-society hangouts in Boston. The moment Jill walked into the bar I knew she didn’t belong, and I liked it (although her super low cut shirt could have been part of the waitress’ rad jort uniform). Before I went up to Jill I told my buddies that I was going to go talk to her. They laughed at me and said “You are outta your mind, she is wayyy out of your league!” I seriously got so lucky, thank you Jesus.
Aww- you loved my breasts at first site?! We’re flattered. You are so going to get lucky later.
Thank you Jesus indeed.
Great love story. I met my Ben (samesies!) through a friend but our first meeting was at a bar. I was drunk off plastic bottle vodka and some how he found that cute and charming. Ahh sweet love.
I’m scared! Are we secretly the same person?!
warning, i may be about to read some of your archives. but this story is HILARIOUS. so many parts to choose from, but especially this one, “treating Linda’s feelings of worthlessness by having random men put their penises in her vagina! Works everytime!*”
have you ever read Pioneer Woman? Careful, I wasted 3 hours the first time i was on her site, but she wrote a great compilation of posts on how she and her husband met and the beginnings of their relationship:
http://thepioneerwoman.com/blog/category/black_heelstractor_wheels/the_night_i_met_marlboro_man/
Lusty- I freaking love Pioneer Woman! My friend Kate turned me onto the site about a month ago and I am in love. I haven’t read that post yet- I know what I’m doing over my lunch hour now!
This is a cute story and so funny! Love it! LOVE IT! Can’t wait for the next installment.
Thank you so much Amy!! xoxox