The Pilgrim Congress

I’m going to try very hard to utilize the skills my therapist has tried to teach me and write this without crying… I am lactose intolerant.  Pause here for long racking sobs directed at the sky and accompanied by violent fist shaking.

I can never eat ice cream, or mac and cheese, or cannolis, or clam chowder again. 

My life?  Its is over.  You may think I’m being melodramatic, but you would be wrong (and an asshole. don’t call me melodramatic, jackass). 

You see, before I got this life altering diagnosis I would regularly rub my husband down with ice cream and lick it off.  It was our favorite Sunday ritual.  Its what we do instead of going to mass.  HOW ARE WE GOING TO EXPRESS OUR INTIMACY NOW? 

Before I got this diagnosis  I lived by a simple credo, “Everything is better with cheese.”  Burgers?  Better with cheese.  Pasta?  Better with cheese.  Salads?  Better with cheese.  The Blessed Virgin?  She was at her best when she appeared on that grilled cheese sandwich in Miami.  Glory be to the Holy Cheese Sandwich. 

Also before this diagnosis?   I kind of threw up and felt like dying a lot.  That part I won’t miss.

But, you don’t come here to read about ice cream fellatio and Mary in cheese form.  You come here for my half-assedly put together lists of things to do in New England.*

Well this week’s list has a title and that title is:

Places You Can Go To Eat Awesome Food That Contains Lactose, But Jill Can’t Go There Because Her Life Is Awful.  Also She Kind Of Hates You Now Because You Can Eat Ice Cream And Not Throw Up.  You Suck.  No, But Really, These Place Are Actually Pretty Good.  You Should Seriously Go.  Lets Not Fight.

• Flashes, Boston, MA:  The best grilled cheese you have ever eaten will be eaten at Flashes.  And, fun fact, The Husband and I had our third date there.  I got him totally drunk and then wouldn’t stop talking about this biography of Freud I had just finished and then he looked like he wanted to just make the talking stop, but he couldn’t figure out how.  He has that same look on his face to this day. 
• The Cliff House, Ogunquit, ME:  The tears, they won’t stop.  How is it possible that I will never again eat the Lobster Chile Rellenos at The Cliff House again?  HOW?  I have many fond memories of The Cliff House dating back all the way to when I was just a little pilgrim.  The Cliff House is like the official celebration spot of the Pilgrim Family.  And the Lobster Chile Rellenos?  My favorite.  God, now my key board is wet with both tears and drool.  I’m disgusting.
• Wholly Cannoli, Worcester, MA:  Dynamite Stick.  Though the name might lead you to believe otherwise, the Dynamite Stick is not a dildo, but it is the most delicious thing you will ever put in your mouth.  Take pictures of yourself eating it and send them to me.  Hmm, it just got uncomfortable, huh?
• Al’s Frys, Burlinton, VT:  Cheese fries!  CHEESE FRIES!  Formerly one of my favorite foods.  How I will mourn thee. 
• Just The Wright Place, Stratham, NH:  Ben and Jerry can suck it.  This place has my all time, absolute, make me have a foodgasm ice cream.  Its a little seasonal roadside stand staffed by very fresh, very pretty, and surprisingly polite high school girls.  Score!
• Angela’s Pasta and Cheese Shop, Manchester, NH:  Did you hear what I just said to you?  Pasta and cheese shop.  Pasta.  Cheese.  Shop.  I’m crying again.
• Sugarbush Farms, Woodstock, VT:  The Husband and I took a trip up that way a couple of years ago and just stumbled onto this farm.  Maple syrup + cheese = heaven.  Dude, you go there and they let you sample ALL THE CHEESE you want.  And maple syrup.  Thank Jesus for the maple syrup.  Oh, and they totally have goats.  And they let you pet them.  Its pretty much the balls.

*I actually have no idea why you come here.  For all I know you prefer talk of ice cream blow jobs to talk of New England eateries.  You do, don’t you?  You dirty tramp.