The Pilgrim Congress

By Ev Pilgrim

“To my Js- And to the writers whose fictionalized worlds have forever enriched our own.”

Note: Names have been changed to protect the shameful, with the exception of myself, who feels no aversion to shame. Please expect adult content and adult language when reading this blob.

If anyone has a seventh grade science book handy, it’s time to whip it out. Over the next few weeks I will be experimenting on …(wait for it)…the penis. Did all the penises out there just get a couple inches smaller? They should have. Over several discussions, with my assistant Zig-Zag, this experiment has come to be known as:

CAN A COLD COCK CUM?

I know this question sprouts many other questions. One of the initial setbacks is what constitutes success? Does the “member” have to reach orgasm? The odds of spontaneous cumming are slim so how does one keep the cock cold when friction is obviously going to heat it up. Will this experiment be done sperm bank style or will there be another willing participant? If so, would that person have to be “chilled” as well? I could go on and on with this line of thinking but it would be better to examine these questions as they come up. This study might change direction a few times but that will make it more interesting.

Scientific Method:

1. Define Question
   1. As I stated above, this might change. I believe the question is as follows: Can a penis that has been thoroughly chilled reach orgasm?
2. Gather Information and Resources (Observe)
   1. Information
   2. Resources
      1. Cock, check. Although I can’t say it’s a super excited penis…yet.
      2. Ice Pack, check. In the freezer awaiting it’s duty.
      3. Towel, check. I have nothing clever to write about a towel.
      4. Pussy, half-check. There is a pussy queue, but it has not been narrowed down to the chosen one.
      5. Porn, check. God bless the internet and on demand cable. (If all else fails, there is always the late night Lifetime made for tv movies. Or Silk Stalkings, does anyone remember that show? Straight Up Sexy.)
3. Form Hypothesis
4. Perform Experiment and Collect Data
   1. I don’t know if I’m comfortable collecting “data”, but all in the name of science
5. Analyze Data
   1. I might pay a professional for this one
6. Interpret Data and Draw Conclusions
   1. How wild would it be if I could find a whole new type of orgasm? I’ll call it the F-Spot.
7. Publish Results
8. Retest, with Other Scientists/Participants
   1. I don’t know how many of my friends want to donate their dicks to science.

As the experiment progresses I will be publishing all my findings, as well as my notes. Worse case scenario I get bored and start writing about how hilarious Dilbert comics are. Or maybe the worse case scenario would be penis frostbite. I don’t have a penis so I can’t say that I really care, but a trip to the hospital would put a damper on my evening so we will try to avoid any type of injury.

That’s all for now. Check in for updates. I’m thinking of a way to upload pictures without being super graphic. I might draw reenactments and throw those on the site, but we’ll see.